For the last five years, the fall (especially September and October) have become challenging months for me. Not only is October one of my busiest work months, but on the 20th I lost my oldest child. I feel very blessed to have a job that I love, allows me to travel around our beautiful state, and affords me the opportunity to work from home. It has also become a great distraction during the difficult and emotionally draining months; September and October.
We all expect to lose our parents as we age; although it is still a heartbreaking loss. It teaches us how important our time on Earth is and how to process the act of “grieving”. I lost my parents in 2002 (mom) and 2006 (dad). I felt that heartbreak and learned what grief was all about. That would still not prepare me for the loss of my own child. In September 2014, our family lost my youngest sons dad…it was a sudden death and devastating process for my son and for me. I had to learn to suppress my emotions and focus on his loss, because no matter what I was going through it did not compare to what my ten-year-old child was going through. And still, this would not prepare me for the loss of own child…just two years later.
Much like today; it was a Friday, I had just finished with two weeks of out-of-town conferences, and I was busy working…nearly this same hour of the day. That’s the day my world crashed. That’s the day I was not prepared for. That’s the day my middle son had to deliver the news to me that my oldest son was gone; taken all-of-a-sudden. I would never hear his voice on the other end of the phone again. I would never have his arms hug me again. I would never feel the excitement of him pulling into my driveway for a visit again. Three years later…oh my gosh, did I even say that? THREE YEARS LATER!!! Still, three years later…I sob with intense thoughts and memories, I hold back tears when mentioning to another that he has been gone THREE YEARS, and I still feel the loss…that I was never prepared for.
I launched this blog on his birthday two and a half years ago, in his honor. A place for me to share my feelings, raw emotions, and release the tears as I write. I dedicated Friday’s to him; #ForgetYOUnotFriday. I also dedicate Friday’s to his brothers; my sons that I still have on Earth…the sons I still talk to on the phone, I still get to feel their hugs, and I still get excited when I see Bryan pull into my driveway. I’m learning to live with my devastating loss, but it’s not easy. The bottom line is…I still have two wonderful sons that are here with me and they are my world; my here and now. I pray every night that God will leave them here with me; that their purpose is still unfolding, and that I will never feel the loss of another child. That is my reality!
