February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 7: His Loyalty

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Loyalty

BJ was loyal; to his family, to his friends, and to himself. I could tell you many examples of his constant and devoted support to his daughter, brothers, parents…but, I’m not going to. Today…just moments ago, in fact…I received a beautiful message from one of his dear friends that displays the epitome of loyalty. 

Today’s post is dedicated to Sarah from her dear and loving friends, Kristine Hall and BJ.

Hi Mama,
I hope you're having a wonderful day.
Bj was visiting me today and he also visited me in a dream a
while back.
I'm not very good with words but I wrote it out as if I was
talking to him.
I just love that he came to visit me in a dream and not just visit
with me…but that he was also thinking about Sarah and wanted to make sure that
I was going to check in on her after she lost her friend. 💗💗💗
Your son is so amazing and still here with us even though
he's in heaven!

It has been a year and 4 months since you
passed and it is still hard to imagine that when I drive over the mountain to
Eastern Oregon that I still won't see you.....It still hurts sometimes, but it's getting easier and easier
with remembering all the good times that we had and remembering your smile and
your infectious laugh.
Your song "You Should Be Here" came on the radio
today as I was driving by myself to the store. I started to get a tear but then as I looked up driving down Highway 30 and seeing snow on the hillside that tear went away and I just smiled thinking about how much you love the snow.

When I got home I turned on the TV so I could watch it while
I fold laundry and guess what? Your movie "Gone in 60 Seconds" was on.

It's these things that just remind me that you are in an
amazing place and though I don't see you right now I will again.
Until I see you again you send reminders that pop up to let
me know that you are thinking of us too; like when you came to me in a dream. My best friend Sarah was also one of your friends and she recently lost her very close childhood friend to the flu. I knew this friend, but not very well. As you know, I was worried about Sarah. You had never met Sarah's friend that passed, but in my dream you let me know that you know her now and that the two of you had talked about Sarah. You let me know that the two of you were worried about Sarah. You also wanted to make sure that I knew Sarah's friend was okay…not just okay, she is doing well and you are right there with her.
I love those moments that God blesses me with; whether it's
in a dream or driving down the road hearing your song and remembering the good
times we had. I believe that one day we will share many more Good Times. 💖

As I read Kristy’s message, I knew in that very moment it was God’s message to me…His message that BJ is good, BJ is making new friends from old friends, and his loyalty lives on with his soul. I won’t lie, I teared up reading Kristy’s text to me: tears of sorrow because I still miss my son so much and tears of joy that he still touches so many people by his undying loyalty.  

February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 6: His Love of Snow

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Love of Snow

Summer is for the HOT sun and winter is for the SNOW! I don’t know that I ever heard BJ complain about either of them; he loved them both. Rain on the other hand…he was not a fan of the wet stuff! His family and friends knew that our nonstop “white” winter of 2017 was compliments of BJ. Or at least it was in our hearts. He loved the snow! He loved watching it snow, he loved being in it, he loved four-wheeling in it! He just had a heart for the snow in the winter. The sun and the snow; that’s really what he loved most about living in Central Oregon. Snowy Saturday nights were for friends, beer, and bonfires. His door was always open; he loved having people around. He loved playing with Cheyenne in the snow…all little kids really. He was just a big kid at heart.

I didn’t often make the trip from the valley in the winter; but the ones I did make are quite memorable. Like Thanksgiving of 2010 when I was driving the “rabbit”; BJ’s little truck. It was rear wheel drive and I knew the weather was blizzard like so I purchased a pair of studded snow tires and I had tire chains as well. Not a fun drive. That little truck was all over the place and I was driving like 25 mph with the chains on for what seemed like a million miles. That usual 3 hour trip took 6+ hours. I was thankful that it was a long weekend before I had to make the trip back. Two years ago, the last time I spent in the snow with BJ, I couldn’t really even go out in it for very long because I was recovering from surgery. I did enjoy watching it from the warmth of the house. It was great when we went to breakfast on Saturday morning; I let BJ drive Rex. Having him drive it on roads familiar to him really showed me how well it handled in the snow and boosted my confidence when I was driving. The difference is Central Oregon gets more snow and the valley typically gets ice and I do not care to drive on the ice much. I will take snow over ice any day.

I sure do miss him and all the little things that made him who he was. When he was younger our family spent a lot of time camping in the snow and we have so many wonderful memories. I think that is where he first fell in love with snow! Snowy days, like we’ve had this week, make me smile because the snow makes me think of him and how much he loved the snow. I’m glad it’s been a good week full of good, snowy memories!

February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 5: His Sense of Humor

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Sense of Humor

Today’s blog is dedicated to “Little D” on his 14^th Birthday.

It's funny (no pun intended) but when I sit here to describe BJ’s Sense of Humor I can’t even put it into words. I’ve been blessed to have three boys…all with a “sense of humor” albeit some with a side of sarcasm. It is said, “Having a sense of humor will gain you a lot of friends. A funny person is always surrounded by people!” He enjoyed doing things or saying things that would make us laugh or smile which in turn developed him with a gift of sense of humor. I think that brought him happiness; making people laugh or smile. You would always catch him cracking a joke or “teasing” someone in a fun way and even though they may have been the object of his humor, you couldn’t help but just adore him for it too. I think it meant he loved you special. ♥ Sort of like back in school when you teased someone it meant you “liked” them. ;)

Humor is an important part of life; for many it keeps them young and for others it helps them get through the rough patches. You don’t have to be funny to have a sense of humor, you just have to see the lighter side of things…Laughter is the best medicine. Even the days following his death I would find myself cracking a joke and saying, “BJ would say that.”  Dillon and I do that all the time…”you know what BJ would say” or “BJ would say”. Those are the little ways we keep him alive; I call them everyday moments. Dillon and Willy both have BJ’s sense of humor; Heaven help us! I see so much of him in both of them…mostly his humor.

Dillon turns fourteen today and he recently expressed it’s difficult for him to have a big family celebration now because “we are missing too many of our family, mom.” Bless his heart and all he has had to endure at such a young age. Loss is tough on adults but nothing in comparison to a young heart. I image if Rich (Dillon’s dad) and BJ were still here they would be quite proud of the caring, humorous, and quite often intellectual young man he is today. It makes me sad that neither of them is here to be part of our family and part of continuing to shape who this birthday boy is growing to be.

On our cross-country trip in July 2016 with BJ we discovered BJ liked to capture a picture of each “entering” state sign. He said it helped him to know that the pictures taken between each state sign were pictures of that state; now that’s a smart thing to do! My phone didn’t take the best of pictures and BJ did a majority of the driving and Dillon had the newest phone, so by the third state BJ assigned Dillon to capturing a photo of each state as we entered it. BJ could hardly stand it; he would anxiously ask, “Did you get it D, did you get it?” Dillon would say, “Yes” and he would no sooner say it and BJ would be telling him to text it to him. You might say he was a bit impatient. Regardless, he (and I) was impressed with the photos and Dillon’s skills. A few weeks after we returned home I was telling Dillon how great those pictures were that he took of the state signs and how impressed his big brother was. Well, my sweet little boy confesses that he couldn’t always capture a picture so he would get one from the internet and crop it! He would find a daytime for day driving and a nighttime for night driving. I could hardly stop laughing when he told me of his shenanigans…mostly because that is so something BJ would’ve done and Dillon pulled it on him! I was sort of sad I never had the opportunity to tell BJ of his brother’s antics because I could hear him say, “That little jerk” with one of his snickering grins! I have no doubt in many ways he would have been proud of his little brother for pulling the wool over his eyes and the quick thinking that led to his heist of cropped internet photos! Yes, I do believe his big brother would be proud of him.

BJ, thank you for the years of laughter from jokes to impromptu “Fresh Prince” dances and for never holding back your lighter side; for sharing your happy-go-lucky and “it’s all small stuff” persona. Thank you for being one of two big brothers “Little D” has had the privilege of looking up to and your influence on his sense of humor. You are missed tremendously and loved dearly. Mom ♥

Valentine Special Edition

A Special Valentine Moment…

I walked out of the house to a dusting of Valentine snow this morning, but it was soon to melt off. My first thought, “Thank you son for sending your love from Heaven.” As we drove away from the house I remembered another Valentine Day, sometime in the mid 90’s. At the time I had a good decorating business with Home Interiors & Gifts and that particular year I decided to sell silk rose bouquets. I presold them a few weeks prior to the big day and part of my service was to do the deliveries on Valentines. I had already gotten each person to hand write the note card that would go with the bouquet. I recall being really excited to deliver seven 1-dozen rose bouquets to unsuspecting women that day. I felt crushed to wake up to more than 2” of snow that day. Doesn’t seem like much to most people, but to a young woman about to deliver roses on Valentine’s Day it was definitely an obstacle to overcome. I didn’t have a four wheel drive at the time, but I did have front wheel drive and felt pretty confident to make most deliveries. I also recall being pretty lucky that day, because seven deliveries turned into only two deliveries. I began getting phone calls in the morning and each of the guys requested that due to the weather and roads I bring them to their work instead. Score! That was only two deliveries because all of my customers were employed within two companies! That was a blessing and the following day, I received seven phone calls from some very happy and surprised women.  Even though I shared this story with Dillon, I don’t know that he found it half as enjoyable as my memory of that snowy Valentine Day.

That memory led to another memory; my MOST MEMORABLE VALENTINE’S DAY ever. I believe the year was 1992 or 1993, but I could be slightly off on that. I had recently been to the Annual Home Interiors Rally and they had just released the illustrious 500 Merit hostess gift: the Floral Garden Mirror. That mirror was a gem and a booking dynasty! Well, Bill (my hubby at the time and BJ/Bryan’s dad) really liked the mirror so I decided to get it for him for Valentine’s Day. That was only the beginning of my shenanigans! Folks, when you have kids at home you sometimes need to get creative to have some couple time and sitters aren’t always at your fingertips. So, I put my Valentine plans into motion and they included my boys. I had a couple of partition walls, (you know, the type that are in office cubicles),  in my office so I used them to create a smaller space in my office and to cover all my decorating displays and office “junk” that often get tossed here or there. I pulled in a quaint little round table, hung the mirror on the faux wall, and set a lovely table for two with lots of candlelight. The boys…oh, that was the joyous part! BJ and Bryan were around 10 and 7 at the time, Valentine’s Day was midweek, and I thought how fun it would be to have them be our waiters; so they were! I cooked the meal and kept it warm in the oven. My office door was shut and the boys directed their dad to get in the shower and get ready for moms surprise to follow; Bill obliged…without too many questions. While he was in the shower, the boys dressed in the outfits we picked out…black or dark blue jeans or pants, a white shirt of some sort, and I attached a backwards dishtowel to them for a waiters/bar towel. It’s called improvising friends! I say backwards because I wanted it to be white, not a print. I then drew little mustaches on them (no Dollar Store mustaches available back then) and they were set. They met their dad as he finished his shower, escorted him to the bedroom where he was to dress in the clothes set out for him, and then they escorted him to our “dining room for two”. I surely wished I had a camera to snap a picture of the amazement on his face. They pulled out our chairs to seat us, brought us our cocktails, and then continued with dinner and dessert service. While Bill and I had a romantic dinner for two in our restaurant, our sweet little waiters had dinner in the main dining room. I will always treasure that memory of the perfect Valentine Day for a family of four.

I shed a few happy tears today at more love in the form of snow, more memories of a wonderful family time, and thoughts of knowing my boys have all three grown up in a house where they know love is the foundation to a happy life; even though all three didn’t grow up together. At moments the memories grew too deep and then I shed a few tears of missing the ones that are no longer with us on earth. I felt immensely blessed that Dillon insisted on giving up his Wednesday night with his GU (youth) group to go out to dinner and spend the evening with mom. I am a lucky mom to have been blessed with my three wonderful boys; my lifelong Valentine’s.

February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 4: His Charisma

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Charisma

If you were lucky enough to know BJ, you knew he had charisma! He had charm, personality, appeal, and attractiveness…the very definition of charisma. He didn’t “put on the charm”; he just had it. He was personable and loved people. Everyone seemed to be his friend and I think that is because of his personality. He didn’t have to try at liking people, he just liked them or he didn’t…but mostly he did. Sometimes “liking” someone takes work and I learned a while back you can either accept someone as they are or not; maybe your personalities just don’t mesh and that’s ok. You’re not going to be “friends” with everyone that comes into your life.

In the days directly after his passing, I remember being awestruck by all the people. All the people that reached out to me; all the people I didn’t even know about; all of his people. As a mom there is no better blessing than in that moment learning just how many lives your child has touched.

Now, if you weren’t lucky enough to know my BJ you really missed out. If you are following my blog, I will bet you are getting to know him as much as you are walking my journey of grief with me. Nothing I can write can give insight into his persona as much as the pictures of him I share. As the saying goes…A picture is worth a thousand words.

As I continue to write my blog and travel my journey, I am also in a better place today than I was yesterday,  yesterday I was in a better place than last week and last week a better place than last month. I didn’t want to take this journey, but once you are on it you can either make the best of it or not. My “best of it” is to write about my son, share my love and memories of him, and process the loss one day at a time.

There are some people that are just people magnets and BJ was one of them. If he was at a party, he usually was the party. If he was out muddin’, he was one with the mud. It’s not that he demanded the attention, he just got the attention. It was his personality; people were just drawn to his happy-go-lucky nature and his “the more, the merrier” attitude.  His charisma; his charm and his personality…those are what was appealing about him and that is what made him attractive.

February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 3: His Fearlessness

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Fearlessness

As soon as we put BJ on a dirt bike we knew he had no fear. He pushed his limits and quickly earned the nickname “Crash”. Even though we lived in the heart of a large city his dad would find time to take him and his brother places to learn to ride their dirt bikes and often. BJ was a Kawasaki boy while his brother started out on a Suzuki. They both rapidly learned the fundamentals of maneuvering a bike with a motor and neither of them feared the power they were riding. BJ intensely authorized the use of full throttle to the point of crash upon crash; none with serious repercussions until he was in high school. That one time, while out riding the powerlines somewhere east of Vancouver, he crashed hard, pulled ligaments and tore up his leg. That one incident ended his football career before it had a chance to begin. That didn’t slow him down for long. Soon he was indulging driving the mountain roads in his ’56 Willies; his first truck and his main truck.

Even though BJ rode through life with a “no fear” mentality once he became a father he also became more cautious. There was nothing more important to him than his daughter. He would give things more thought before just “doing” and the fearless things were just different than before.

I admire that he would try new things and that he never feared the unknown. Many of us are too fearful to try something new; whether it is a food, an activity, or a change in life…sometimes fear is stronger than trust in ourselves, in our abilities, or in our own judgement. At 20 years old, BJ had tried more foods than I had at 37. In fact, for his 20^th birthday I told him I would take him anywhere he wanted for his birthday dinner. He chose Todai’s; a then popular sushi restaurant in downtown Portland. I was amazed that he was trying everything in the buffet; even Octopus! He did not fear the taste of something new. I was impressed.

Shortly after BJ died I found out he had went zip-lining; just weeks before his death. Those pictures were some of the happiest I had seen of him. He had no fear to try new things; in fact…he usually embraced it. As I looked at the pictures, I could hear his shrieks of exhilaration in my head; his screams of excitement and the yahoo’s at the top of his lungs. My boy lived life to the fullest, didn’t fear the unknown, and in many ways lived more life than many of us still here. He may not have always done things the proper way or the permissible way; but they were always the BJ way. I admire the boy, the young man, and the adult that my son encompassed as a human. I admire that he lived his life through his choices and steadfast in his decisions without fear of what would lie ahead. I imagine on that night, October 20, 2016, he did not fear the end but dreaded knowing in that split second what the end meant for him, for his daughter, and for his family. It is with tears upon tears that I continue this journey of grief, but it is also with tears upon tears of joy that I have so many memories of a wonderful son that lived a fearless life. You are now and will always be the first little love of my life, the little boy that first had me wrapped around their finger, and the one that has brought me to the most excruciating pain a parent can ever feel. I miss you so much, baby and I am so thankful for all the memories you have left us with. Forever you remain in our hearts and a part of us.

February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 2: His Energy

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Energy

February 21, 1983; nearly 35 years ago to this day, on the eve of BJ’s open-heart surgery I recall the nurses commiserating their awe that the little boy full of energy and running up and down the hallways of St.  Vincent Hospital was scheduled for surgery the following morning…but, he was. Also, at that time, the most heartache I had ever experienced as a mom. How could my little boy possibly have a heart defect? “Please, Lord, don’t take my little boy from me. His life has just begun.” Thankfully, we had another 33+ years with him and still not enough time.

From the earliest of days, from toddler to adult, that boy of mine was filled with energy…energy for life.  Raw, human energy from a young age; not powered by electronics but powered by adventure. He was always on the move, always pushing his limits, and never backing down. At an early age, his dad put him on a dirt bike and in usual BJ style it was full speed ahead. His wild and no fear riding earned him the nickname of “crash” and if truth be told I’m fairly certain he was quite proud of that nickname. Dirt bikes turned into 4x4’s (namely his Willies) and 4x4’s turned into street racing.  

Even with his laid back nature, BJ was on the move; working on his property, doing side jobs, and helping friends. He always had something going on and something to do. He was always down for a road trip or an impromptu BBQ.  “Side roads are where you find adventures,” he told me on our cross country road trip just three months before he died. If it weren’t for taking a country road we wouldn’t have happened upon an old historic covered bridge somewhere in Tennessee.

It’s really hard to imagine my son that was always so filled with energy, laid lifeless trapped under his vehicle the last few moments of his life; knowing that was the end of his road and knowing his energy had run out. That thought has brought about many tears, but at the same time I am extremely thankful to know the suffering was short, he will never experience pain again, and he will have an unlimited amount of energy for eternity. For that, I will praise Jesus all of my days.

February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 1: His Heart

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Heart

I am choosing his heart first because I think our heart is what defines us as a person. Do we have a good heart? Do we have a dark heart?  Hands down…BJ had a good heart. That doesn’t mean he was exempt from mistakes or bad decisions along the way, because let’s face it; we all have made a bad decision or two.

BJ had the best of hearts from the beginning; he was an “easy baby”, a joyful toddler, a curious youth, a thrill-seeking teen, and a devoted father, son, brother, and friend. Because he was my firstborn he taught me how to be a mom and taught me how to give love unconditionally.  I learned quickly that I love my children no matter how much they tested their boundaries and regardless of decisions they made that I would’ve made differently.  BJ had some struggles through his young adult years and that is when I told him, “I may not like some of your decisions, but I will always love you unconditionally.” You see, just like any other person, we can love our children unconditionally but not always “like” them, their character, or their decisions. Like and Love are two very different feelings. Because of unconditional love and dedication as a mother I was lucky enough to hear him tell me that I was “his rock”. He could have chosen anyone else, but he chose me.  He came to me at his lowest times and he came to me for direction. It is an honor to be someone’s rock and to feel how much you are needed.

As I have mentioned in other posts, BJ was born with a hole in his heart. We all are, but most close by the time one reaches age 1. For those that do not close up, that hole then becomes a murmur. Many people live every day with a murmur; BJ could not. At age 20 months BJ’s was the size of a quarter and was located between the right and left ventricle; which is known as an Atrial Septal Defect (ASD). At 21 months old BJ had open –heart surgery to place a patch over the hole.  That defect and that repair never slowed him down. We always felt lucky that our little boy who had his heart repaired at such a young age grew up to be happy, healthy, and had one of the biggest hearts.

When we say someone has a “big heart” of course that really has nothing to do with the physical size of their heart. It means they are caring, compassionate, and giving; to name a few traits. Having a big heart is something you are born with and is a result of the experiences you have been through in life. BJ had a lot of life experiences and a big heart. He lived a full life and learned a lot along the way of his 35 years, 5 months, and 4 days on earth. He loved unconditionally and he loved big. I’m honored that God chose me to be his mom. I miss him terribly; every day, but I am learning to do life this way. I’m learning that even though he left earth he didn’t leave our hearts. I’m learning that I’m stronger than I ever imagined, because I never imagined one of my babies dying before me. I never imagined the all-consuming pain our body and hearts feel or that I could produce so many tears and so often. I never imagined my life without BJ, but I am learning to live with him in Heaven instead of Central Oregon…but it sucks!