Memories Are the Best Therapy

Thanksgiving traditionally is set aside for a family gathering. A time to eat as much as we want, watch football, play football, and be with our loved ones. Yesterday as I was driving to my family gathering, I felt a message come over me that was important to share with others;

“As you sit around your Thanksgiving table, be thankful for the ones you sit next to , be thankful for the ones that have survived something and are still sitting there with you and be thankful for the memories you have with the ones that are no longer sitting at your table.”

The first holiday with an “empty chair” is the most difficult holiday. My thoughts went to Dillon’s stepmom who lost her dad earlier this year, to a sweet lady in Iowa who lost her husband just a few weeks ago, to a dear friend that lives right down the road that lost her father last spring, and to a longtime friend that lost her brother just days ago. My heart hurt, and my eyes welled with tears knowing how difficult this Thanksgiving would be for each of them. And then I shed a few at the empty chair at our table. Although this is now our third holiday season with BJ’s empty chair at our table, it makes us remember the times his chair wasn’t empty.

Then I became Thankful for family members that survived to sit with their family another year. A brother-in-law that, in the nick of time, found he was having heart issues and underwent heart surgery and spared my sister the pain of losing her husband of 50+ years. A niece that was in a terrible car accident and, not only survived but walked away physically unscathed, sparing another sister the pain I have experienced of losing a child.

Being Thankful for what we have and the memories we have made is healing. On this drive my thoughts moved from thankfulness to a specific Thanksgiving memory. In 2010, Dillon spent the holiday weekend with his dad, so I decided to head over the mountain to BJ’s. The weather and road conditions were not great that year and I was driving BJ’s little pickup…rear wheel drive. I bought a pair of used studded tires for it and had some chains too. I’m a “planner” by nature; I put together all the things I would need “just in case”. “In case” I spun out, went off the road, and landed far enough off the road that passerby’s might not see me. Yes, that is what my brain does! I had a survival kit that included foods with protein, water, candles, lighters, matches, etc. I borrowed 250 lbs. of sandbags. I had a tarp, a gas can, and the non-studded back tires were left in the back of the pickup “just in case”…I could throw them on the fire I would make to keep warm, heat food, and make a beacon in the woods so I could be found.  Well, preparing paid off because I didn’t spin out and fly off the road to need a fire to be the beacon for me to be found! However, this long drive did take 7 hours instead of 3½. Worst drive over the mountain ever! Best Thanksgiving in Prineville with BJ ever!

This is what keeps me going; the memories, the love, and family. I am a survivor. I am grieving. I am Thankful. Thankful for the years and the Thanksgiving’s spent with BJ. Thankful to have a family to sit around the table with. Thankful to know amidst the pain of grief, I have the joy of memories.

What Am I Thankful For?

I am thankful for 35 years, 5 months, and 4 days with you.

I am thankful God chose me to be your mother.

I am thankful for all the memories you left me with.

I am thankful you never gave up; not even in your darkest hours.

I am thankful you brought humor and love into our lives.

I am thankful you touched so many others with your charismatic personality.

I am thankful you lived your life to the fullest and with no fear.

I am thankful you loved me as much as I love you.

I am thankful to look forward to eternity with you.

So, what am I thankful for? You. I am thankful for you.

I Never Went Away

They’re gone and now you’ve realized you will never see them again, never hear their voice again, or never have their arms wrapped around you in one of their sought-after bear hugs. This is one of the crushing realities of death and death is a crushing reality of life. It’s the part of life that isn’t typically talked about; discussion that might even be avoided at all costs. It’s a crippling reality; it cripples our thoughts, our movements, and sometimes even friendships. Death is best understood by those that have had to endure that unthinkable experience; often the loss of a grandparent or parent comes first. That was my first experience…the elders in my life. Even that does NOT prepare you to lose your very own child; a man that was once your baby, a baby that taught you how to love another unconditionally…a part of you.

A couple of weeks ago I blogged about the Extraordinary Gifts he left us with. What I didn’t share, at that time, is a gift I experienced that week. A gift that shook me to my core, melted my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. I was driving home from my last conference road trip of the fall season; a five-hour jaunt from just north of the California border. The drive was long and long drives lends time for deep thought. As I was getting closer to Portland, I was texting (hands -free!) with Dillon (BJ’s youngest brother) so he’d know when to expect me to pick him up.  When I got within a 30-minute range, I called him…just to hear his voice. But I didn’t hear his voice. I was once again crippled in the moment; crippled at the voice I heard. It didn’t sound like the Dillon I left behind a few days ago. This was a deeper voice and I had to ask who I was talking to. He said, “it’s me mom, Dillon.” I heard those words, “it’s me mom” and I had to maintain composure. You see, I didn’t hear Dillon on the other end of that phone call…I heard BJ. It was chilling. I even thought I might be losing “it”. I kept talking…just to hear the voice…although Dillon was busy with friends and didn’t want to entertain mom’s idea of a lengthy phone conversation. We hung up and I sobbed. I wanted to continue hearing the voice, BJ’s voice, that I was hearing. Is that wrong? Does that make me crazy? Is it out of line to want to talk to one son to hear the other sons voice? I don’t know. I rationalized my thoughts all the way to picking him up. He got in the car and asked, “did you notice my voice, mom? I think it dropped again. Can you tell?” I was driving so I couldn’t look at him, but I quietly responded, “yes, I heard you and yes, your voice dropped.” He sensed something was up and I’ve always been honest with my kids, so I told him what I heard, what I thought…I told him he has BJ’s “phone voice.” He smiled and said, “really?”  I responded, “I think so.” In the moment, was I missing BJ so much that I conjured that up in my heard. I thought I might never know. I talked to Dillon on the phone again the other day and sure enough, I heard BJ’s voice again. I can’t even begin to explain this, but I think it is another extraordinary gift we have been left with; another little piece of him to live on.

At this point, you might think I am crazy, or you might even want to pick up the phone and call his little brother…just to see for yourself. If you have lost a loved one and experience something similar, you are blessed. Keep your mind and heart open to the possibilities and the extraordinary gifts of the one(s) you’ve lost. Will you hear their voice in your son, will you see their smile on your daughter’s face, or will you note your grandchild has the same dimples or eyes or personality? It might be a gradual presence, or it might be sudden, but it is a gift and a piece of them; a blessing to us.

Day of the Dead: A Halloween Remembrance

Have you lost an adult child that left behind a surviving child? Well, I did and it’s the single most precious gift that he left me. Beyond all the photos, shirts, this and that…he left me a granddaughter. I miss him terribly and I am having another difficult week. I’m finding it difficult to focus, I have like no energy, and all I want to do is sit in my chair and work on my computer…where I can be productive and creative and feel worthwhile.

I am thankful for the time I have with his daughter and that her mom and I have managed to forge our way through the mess of their then pending divorce, his death, and her new marriage. I know, with every ounce of my being, that the one thing BJ would want from all of us is to maintain a relationship with his daughter. The rest of it is just stuff. In death, we often lose sight of that. More people care about the “belongings” than the survivors and I find that so sad. Don’t get me wrong, I treasure each and everything that BJ ever made me, gave me, or left me with. But not one “thing” I treasure more than his beautiful offspring. She is a delight, headstrong, beautiful, and demanding…all wrapped up in a sweet little package that is part her mom and part her dad.

Having lost Dillon’s dad two years prior to losing BJ, I know the challenges that Carrie will go through with Cheyenne. Thankfully, she does have someone that is walking this journey with her. I didn’t and still don’t have that. I face each and every day on my own; a single mom and the only parent. Now, I know some of you may have gotten tripped up on my statement that “she has someone walking this journey with her.” Carrie and I have discussed the situation of her and BJ’s pending divorce at the time of his death and her other relationship at that time. Regardless of all else, BJ would want the focus to be about our relationships with Chey. I cannot hold Carrie hostage because of the past and her choices. I can agree that it hurt me and to move on; which is what I have done. Life is just too short, period.

Last weekend, for the first time, I got to see Cheyenne play soccer…I especially loved watching her “tell” one of her teammates what she was supposed to be doing on the field. She is a little “driver”! Afterwards we went to lunch and then she spent the night at a hotel with D and I. We did nothing special, but the time together was very special. We all agreed it was great just to hang out in our room, watching TV, playing, wrestling around, and just being together. Thankfully suites in Prineville are pretty inexpensive…thank you Best Western! We had a living room area which made the stay much more home like!

On Sunday, we enjoyed breakfast before checking out and then made a stop at the Dollar Store to pick up a few fun Halloween decorations to take to the Cross. We spent a bit of time cleaning the area around the cross and decorating it before taking Chey home. Then came the news; totally unexpected. Carrie and Kevin told me that the property of the accident site (and now home of the Cross) has been sold. Holy smokes, I didn’t even realize it was on the market. Regardless, the new owner, a military man would rather not have a cross there as it is a reminder of too many other ones he has seen during his tenure in the military. I can’t blame him for that; although I could not hold back the tears at that news. Apparently, the new owner has plans to build a fence around his property; can’t blame him for that either. Carrie explained to him what the Cross and that spot means to Cheyenne and BJ’s family/friends. In lieu of a cross, he is having a plaque made, powder-coated in green (BJ’s favorite color) and hung as part of the fence. He is doing this at his own expense. I hope to meet this man one day and thank him for allowing us to continue our grieving process with having a place to symbolize our remembrance of the loving father, beloved son, and wonderful brother he is.