Merry Christmas, BJ

It’s hard to believe this is Christmas #3 without you. So much has happened since you left us, and this has been an especially busy month for me. But I suspect you already know what’s going on as you watch us from Heaven. I know you would be thrilled for this new chapter in my life as I go back into home ownership. It is something we would’ve had many phone calls about. We would’ve talked each step of the way. That’s just how our relationship was. It’s hard not to pick up the phone and call. I still have “you” pinned to my “favorites” and you’re still on my “break-through” list. I just can’t bring myself to change that.

My heart aches at the thought of going through another Christmas without you and I can’t stop the tears from welling in my eyes. I feel each one as they roll down my cheek. This pain is far greater than any parent can imagine…until the dreadful day they are faced with it.

I have so much to be grateful for and so much to be thankful for; heck, I even have so much to be excited about…and yet, part of me still feels hollow inside. There’s an emptiness inside of me that used to be full of life; that used to be filled with BJ. I am still filled with your memories, but that is nothing compared to being filled with your life.

I know you are happy, at peace, and watch us from above and I know you know no sadness or sorrow. But somehow, I don’t feel very satisfied in that tonight. With Christmas only a few days away, I want to see you, touch you, and sit around the dinner table with you. I want to buy you presents and have you love each one of them! I want you to bring Cheyenne over for her visit this next week and I want you to stay for that visit. I want to watch you chase the little kids around and toss them up in the air. I want to see how you and Dillon would interact now that he has aged two and a half more years since you last saw him. I want to enjoy some Christmas cheer with you and Bryan. I want, I want, I want! I know this too shall pass…and I will get through another Christmas without you…but I don’t want to!

Through Prayers We Gain Peace

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written anything, not because I have writers block or nothing to say but because I am at a place in life to do the things that matter most. My blog has been of the utmost importance because it has been THE tool, I have needed to get me through the most difficult time in my life. Expressing my feelings through word has been the most therapeutic thing I have done for myself in navigating this journey of grief. Although I know I still have a long road ahead of me, I am doing better today than yesterday or a year ago. I still have struggles, I still shed tears, and I still miss my son terribly. Moving forward I’m going to write on Friday’s when I NEED to. I’m not going to write out of obligation because I’ve dedicated Friday’s to BJ…he still knows I am thinking about him. I’m going to write when I have something of value to say or something I need to work through. I think this is an important step in my journey and for other mourners to know that it is ok to do for themselves…do and be how they want, when they want. Grief is difficult enough without putting pressure on ourselves. I think life comes with enough pressure and we should seek refuge from pressure whenever possible. I find myself wanting to do a million little things for my family, for friends, for loved ones…because it makes me happy, not because they expect it. But I also find if I cut expectations of myself, I am relieving pressure I have unknowingly put on myself. Grief is a time to let go of a lot of little things and take care of yourself and do what matters the most in that moment.

A few weeks ago, I shared how many people have been on my heart this year because they are experiencing their first holiday season since losing a loved one. One friend has been on my mind and her family in my prayers. She lost her father last spring and two weeks ago her brother had a heart attack, followed by a stroke and other complications. They are still surrounding him in love and prayer at the hospital. I cannot even imagine the heartache in that family and the strength that is being built through this turbulence.

Through tragedy we gain strength.

Through trials we gain knowledge.

Through prayer we gain peace.

It was easy to be mad at God for taking my son from me. It was difficult to understand why. It didn’t seem fair then, and it doesn’t seem fair today. Every minute someone is born and every minute someone dies. None of us are immune from loss. It is part of life. It’s the part of life seldom talked about, because who wants to think about death? Not me. Regardless, I have been faced with it and I got thrown on this journey and new path of life. I can’t say this path is awful. I have many good things happening in my life; none of which lessens the pain of loss. I’m beginning to understand they don’t have anything to do with the other. I can be very happy and at the same time very sad. Happy in life and sad in death. I don’t think my life is dictated by my son’s death, but I do think I am a different person because of it. I see things much differently than I once did. Life has much more value. I know what I will and won’t tolerate. I know that nothing is more important than God, family, and friends.

I know I have said this before, but to all of you that have lost someone this year and going through all the “firsts” without your loved one, my heart aches for you. Loss sucks! The “firsts” suck! But…be kind to yourself, listen to your body, and know that time does heal. It doesn’t take away the heartache, but it does lessen a little tiny bit each month and each year. I pray for peace over your heart as you celebrate this first Christmas with one less chair at your table and one less person to buy gifts for. God bless…