Good Friday

By God’s Grace

It is by God’s Grace that my son is in Heaven. You see, he did not walk a life of Christianity or show of a relationship with the Lord. Yes, he did have a good and giving heart, but like you and me and everyone walking this earth he was a sinner. He did not claim to know Jesus and sometimes he claimed the opposite, although less often his later years. He was surrounded by Jesus through many of his close relationships; whether he knew it or not. There were times when we would talk during a moment of crisis in my life and his final words during those conversations would be, “Mom, this is where I need to tell you to pray to your God.” I believe that is where he knew I would find the peace I was seeking in those moments and he knew my faith to be strong.

I have had many blessings in my life; even when I didn’t walk with the Lord. I was blessed to be a wife and experience the unity of marriage for nearly 20 years. I am blessed to be a mother; not once, not twice, but three times and the third came with a 20-year span between number 2 and 3. I am blessed to be a grandmother to wonderful boys and girls that I cherish. I am blessed to be a daughter of the Lord and to my mom and dad who are now with the Lord. I am blessed to be a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a niece, etc. etc. I consider each of these things a blessing; everyone should. Eight years ago this past February, I was blessed with the first of two miracle healings and my battle with Fibromyalgia and Depression ended. Three and a half years ago I walked out of Church without crutches as I was blessed with my second miracle healing only to begin the toughest journey of my life; 14 days later my youngest son would lose his father and two years later we would lose BJ. The greatest blessing God has given me was the grace he gave BJ on October 20, 2016 when he took him Home with Him. To know that my son was saved and is waiting for us is the greatest of all blessings.

It is important to see the blessings in the turmoil, see the grace in the tragedy, and lean towards God through the pain. How easy it is to turn our back on God when we are angry or upset, but that is exactly when we should turn to Him. To be a Christian does not mean that life is all sunshine and lollipops. We all suffer; believers and nonbelievers. Having faith is staying strong during the difficult times so you can enjoy the glorious times. You all know I have suffered as I have been sharing my journey. There has even been Friday mornings, like today, that I wake up and realize I haven’t written my post and I have no idea what to write or how I’ve been feeling. I haven’t had time to digest my feelings, I’ve been buried (no pun intended) in work for the past three months. But nonetheless, it is Forget You Not Friday and regardless of what is going on in my life it is the day I choose to honor and dedicate to my son EVERY week. Not once in a while or it won’t matter if I miss a week…EVERY week, Friday’s belong to BJ. The words don’t always come easy and I might stumble on them, but I won’t forget to write. On these days, I sit quietly and I ask God to let me know what I am supposed to share today, what my message is, and to give me the words to write. I know my prayer is answered each time as I sit down to my computer and I immediately know what to share and what message to relay as the words start flowing, and about half way in…the tears start flowing. At that moment, I thank God because I know I am writing from my heart and He knew what I needed to share and that I needed to release some tears.

On this Good Friday, March 30, 2018, count your blessings and know “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

Chain Reactions

This morning as I was driving the traffic report comes on the radio and every time I hear of an incident or accident in a certain area, my thought is: oh so-and-so lives there, I hope it wasn’t them. Well today, it is an accident on I-5 near Kelso, WA which is right across the bridge from Rainier, OR; where Bryan’s new homestead is. Thoughts: Bryan doesn’t travel I-5 to work, Josie is getting kids off to school, and Bill doesn’t generally travel this early in the morning so I think we’re in the clear. I don’t think it’s my family. Those thoughts turn into…our family is more spread out now. Instead of six minutes, Bryan lives 1 hour and 15 minutes from me. He gets more snow than I do and he travels on winding roads every day. I used to worry and pray for BJ and his family every day as I knew they had an hour drive every day back and forth to work and Central Oregon always gets lots of snow. But, now BJ is in Heaven and Carrie works closer to home and Cheyenne goes to school closer to home. Bryan lives an hour from work and now I worry and pray for him and his travels; even though I know he has a guardian angel, a big brother angel looking out for him and watching over him every day.

Those thoughts turn into, wow a lot has changed in two years. Two years ago Bill sold his house and was having BJ transport and store some of his “big” things; like tractors and such.  From there, I visualize BJ hauling stuff on his car trailer behind his truck. He was always hauling something over that mountain and at one point when I was getting ready to move he said to me, “Mom, just make sure you find a place where I can park my truck and trailer when I come to visit.” We always had an agreement that they would text me when they made it home so I knew they had a safe trip; only then could I sleep that night. A lot has changed in two years; Dillon is now a teen, Bryan now lives farther away from me, and BJ is in Heaven.

Thoughts of him driving his loaded down truck and trailer over Mt. Hood have now led me to him lying underneath that truck, the same truck we drove across this great nation of ours; pinned underneath his truck where he had his last thoughts and where he took his last breath. Oh how I miss my son. His loyal and loving parents and brothers didn’t get this dreadful news for nearly 12 hours later. I received a couple of random Facebook messages that in turn had me sending a text to Bryan, asking if he had heard anything about BJ. What happened next, I was not prepared for; a parent never is. That awful phone call Bryan had to make; not just to me, but he also had to call his dad and tell him that his oldest son is gone; in the blink of an eye…gone.

Today, this thought turns into…what if I had ignored those random messages and continued working, not texting Bryan. He would have showed up at my house; he was on the way and only 10 minutes from my house when I forced him to call and give me the news instead of telling me in person. How would have that looked? He would have come in and I would have said, “Is everything ok?” Because I knew he should have been at work. That’s when he would have told me. He would have had to endure my initial and immediate shock, disbelief, denial, and the start of this horrible journey I have been forced on. I have thought how terrible it was for him to have to tell me over the phone, but then I think it was probably better that he did not have to endure the first 10…the first 10 minutes of me losing my shit, screaming at the top of my lungs with the gut wrenching pain only a parent can feel at the loss of their child, and my crying out to God, “Why? Why did you want my son last night? Why did you take him from us?”

And now I realize that the drops of rain on my windshield is not the only liquid substance blurring my vision…as I reach for  another tissue to catch the tears. I have chain reaction thoughts all the time; this morning was brutal as I still weep at the loss of a great son. I still long for his presence, I still want to see him pull up in the truck that crushed him, I still want to see him walk through my door, and I still want to see him playing with the kids in his one-ok-a-kind Uncle BJ style. I just want to hug him again. Today is starting out pretty tough…that is the raw truth.

The Pain is Real

Physical pain can lead to emotional pain and emotional pain can lead to physical pain, but pain is pain and it is real. Some days are worse than others. Oh, how many times I have said those words, “some days are worse than others.” I suffered with severe Fibromyalgia for five years of which four and a half had me completely debilitated; meaning I couldn’t work and sometimes I could do nothing other than sit in my massage recliner. That constant and horrific physical pain led to emotional pain and Depression. I slept a lot of nights in that recliner as well. I still maintain that recliner was probably the best $40 I spent on Craigslist! After I was healed I sold it for 20 to someone else that was suffering with Fibromyalgia. I am one of the faithful ones that never gave up and never quit praying for my complete healing and on February 26, 2010 my prayers were answered and I was not only healed from Fibromyalgia, but also from Depression; as they often go hand in hand. The scripture I read that morning during my daily devotion time, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34. I knew in that moment I was healed. Within two weeks, I was free from the 25+ pills taken daily to manage the Fibro Pain; some “heavy hitters” like Percocet and Methadone. I was freed from my pain and I never looked back, because my family was freed from my pain that day too. My family and many friends took that journey with me and they could see the constant and often excruciating pain I was in. But yet, there were mornings I would wake up and feel absolutely great and could go about my life as if I were free from pain. I would often wake the following day and not be able to get out of bed or only make it to my recliner. I am grateful every day that God answered my prayers and freed me and my family from that pain. That pain is real. If you are suffering from a chronic pain illness; stay strong, have faith, and don’t give up. People around you may not see your pain and they likely don’t understand what you are going through because they haven’t went through it themselves and it’s not like a broken bone that is visual pain to others. Don’t give up!

For the past nearly 17 months I have suffered from emotional pain at the loss of my son; my sweet BJ. Daily and excruciating in its own way; some days are better than other days. This emotional pain has led to some physical pain; a backache here or there, headaches, some chest pain that turns out to be nothing…all just triggered by stress; some from grief and other from day to day work and life…the usual stuff. I try to be above all this and continue life in a jolly and productive manner, but when you are sitting and relaxing for the first time in a few days, and you’ve been dealing with a physical issue that has you in so much pain that you just want to cry (but you don’t) and you glance across the room and see a picture of your son…it’s in that moment…your guard is down…and, you just cry...because you want your son back and because you are in pain! You cry; out loud and all you want is to not hurt…physically and emotionally. But, as soon as your youngest son hears the crying and comes downstairs, you pull yourself together and you tell him it’s nothing. But friends, it is something. Its pain and it’s real!!! Missing your loved one is real pain. Pain sucks and grief sucks, but I’m a survivor and I hope those that are grieving are learning their new way of life and will find the good in each new day. Focus on anything and anyone that makes you happy; it helps!

If you want to reach out to me or would like me to pray for you, leave a comment or send me an email. You are not alone; I am on this journey too. God Bless and stay strong!

Over the Mountain and Through the Woods...

🎝Over the mountain🎜 and through the woods 🎝🎜 to BJ’s house we go…is often the jingle Dillon and I would sing as we were heading out for a visit. I also work over there about once a year and this was that week. The last time I was at Riverhouse on the Deschutes was just before BJ died; in fact I left there just six days before his accident. I had been working there for two different weeks that October and we had talked and texted several times during that time trying to make a connection, but between his schedule and mine we couldn't seem to make it work.

I can't help but think of him every time I go to Central Oregon because of course that's where he lived his final years. Even though I was there for work; he was the center of my mind. Dillon traveled with me this week; not because he was out of school but because he has been struggling emotionally this past few weeks and he has been congested.  His birthday week is probably his most difficult week of the year. It is when he misses his dad the most and now his brother as well. He spent time with his Aunt Terrie while I worked and I think that did him a lot of good because he has been concerned about her health. They went to lunch and to see Black Panther. It was good for him to see she is doing really well right now!

I worked my schedule around so we could spend a few hours with Cheyenne. She must have been missing her Uncle Dillon because she really clung to him but he didn’t mind at all! In fact, he really loves that she wanted to snuggle with him instead of with Grandma. Her uncles are sure special to her.

She was happy to show me her beautiful necklace her mom had made for her with some of her daddy's ashes. She said she never takes it off. I asked her what about when she takes a shower and she replied nope. Even though I didn't make it up to the Cross this time (because time was a little bit tight), I felt it was more important to see Cheyenne and spend time with her and I know BJ would feel the same way. He would want his family to see her as much as they possibly can and we do. She seems to be doing pretty good and likes school.

It was a good week, beautiful weather, and time with family. We all miss BJ so much and things just aren’t the same without him…and neither are my trips over the mountain and through the woods.

February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 8: His Soul

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Soul

BJ lived a good life and BJ had a good soul; BJ was a good person. There was so much good in him. He loved people, he loved helping people, and he loved having people around him. But is being “good” enough? When I received the news about BJ; when his younger brother had to tell his mother that BJ lost his life in a fatal accident, and after the initial screaming and gut wrenching pain and tears…I feared that my son who had not lived a life of relationship with God would not see me on “the other side”….as some people call it. I remember screaming in agony, over and over, that I had not had time to “save” him. I feared that my son was not saved. I fell to my knees, I screamed out to God, and I wept…not knowing where my son was. I could not bear the thought of him in a fiery hell. Not everyone goes to Heaven…and not everyone understands this.

On Wednesday, November 9, 2016, I received a message…through a dream…as I often do. It was the first time I had seen BJ’s face since that horrible day I knew he had left us on earth. I won’t go into all the details of the dream, but he was his usual happy-go-lucky self and he was there to give me a message because he knew I needed to know. As he was walking away, he turned to me, and with his one-of-a-kind BJ smile he said, “Of course I chose to go with God.” God and BJ knew I needed to know that. Regardless of how many people told me, “He had a good heart, he was a good person, he had a good soul”…I needed to know without a shadow of a doubt that my son whom I knew to have a good soul also had a saved soul and in that very moment I knew. I woke that next morning knowing exactly where my son was and that by God’s grace his soul had been saved.