Why Not Me?

I heard something the other day and it really made me think. So often when things aren’t as we planned; we lose a job, get a divorce, our child dies…we think, why me? Why do bad things happen to me? The message was…why not me? Bad things happen. Why shouldn’t they happen to me? I am not immune to bad things and neither are you. Fatal accidents happen every single day, someone loses a job because it’s not a good fit, or we divorce because of many different reasons. So, why not to me?

On the other hand, I’ll be 100% honest and admit that I have never said that. True, I have never said, “Why do bad things happen to me?” But some people do say that. I realize it is part of life. I surely wish my youngest son had not lost his father and I whole-heartedly wish my oldest son had not died last year, but they are both gone…waiting for us “on the other side” as some say. I hurt everyday missing them, but I don’t know that I’ve ever said, "Why do bad things happen to me?" However, I have said, “Why did you want them already, God? Why did you want them when we still need them? Why must I raise my son alone? Why must my granddaughter go through life without her daddy?” Those questions I have asked, but again, I know the evolution of life and none of us are here forever. Thankfully, we can be together again forever and that brings peace in time of turmoil.

Maybe you are hurting or you are thinking, “why me?” Why did God give me a difficult child? Why can’t I be independently wealthy?  Why can’t I be the skinny one? Why did we break our marriage vows? Why did my child die? Remember, it has to be somebody. I have learned I am stronger than I ever realized and if God brings me to it, He will bring me through it. Even in my darkest hours, He does not leave my side and I survive the unimaginable.

Every Day I Miss You

Black Friday shopping is bittersweet now. I used to have it all figured out; what I would get each of you every year.  Things changed when we lost you and now my brain just doesn’t function the same as it used to. Sometimes I am on top of things and other times…not so much…sigh. I still remember the last Christmas present I got you; a Blu-Ray DVD player and the full Blu-Ray DVD Fast & Furious collection. I imagine this year I would have gotten you the Fate of the Furious!

As I was preparing my shopping list, as I do every year, I came across my original “Black Friday List”, an Excel file…yea; I’m a nerd like that! The same file I renamed Black Friday 2015; the last Christmas you were with us. Every year when I begin making my list I remove all of the previous year’s contents to start anew. I couldn’t bring myself to delete you from the list last year; so I didn’t. I made a new list. It’s all those little things we don’t think about; the things that are in our heart and in our head.

Christmas 1999

As I returned home this morning after my annual Fred Meyer early morning shopping extravaganza, I hid all my purchases and crawled back into bed to finish my night’s sleep. I couldn’t do it; you were in my head son. I wept thinking about what to write for today’s Forget You Not Friday post because I miss you so much. I’m doing life but I miss you and as much as a dearly love your brothers and all the kiddos there is a void in my heart. There will always be a void there, because that is your place in my heart. No one can fill it. It sits there with the memories of you, my love for you, and the painstaking heartache I feel since you died. The pain that is so deep all you can feel is a huge lump in your throat and it doesn’t go away until the tears stop.

January 2013; Celebrating Christmas 2012

I’m glad I have this little corner of my world where I can talk to you, BJ…where I can get my feelings out. They’re not being bottled up, brewing with pressure until the cork finally pops. I release them a little bit each week and I really think that helps me keep things in check. It helps me keep moving in life and through this journey of grief. Every day I miss you. Every day I love you. Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven, son.

This year you are honored with snowmen.

Snow....your favorite thing about winter!

Fresh Prince, Christmas, Snow...These are a Few of my Favorite (BJ) Things!

Texts, emails, photos, videos, handmade gifts…these are the things we cherish the most; especially after the loss of a loved one. I know, you might be thinking…texts? Emails? You will “get it” after you lose someone. Even the silliest of texts can bring a smile to your face or a written “love you too mom” will bring tears to your eyes. Of course it also makes you miss them more too! I can’t be more thankful to have the “Fresh Prince” video of BJ. The sound quality stinks, but he is dancing, there is a smile on his face, he is interacting with his nephew, and he is in typical BJ form. I see it and I ache with pain because I miss him so much and in the same moment I am filled with happiness to see him moving, smiling, and full of life; that is how I chose to remember my son.

1998 (ish)

2014

I don’t typically EVER decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving and the past few years it has been a challenge to decorate at all. But, I have this sweet young man, a teenager, that lost his dad three years ago and his oldest brother a year ago…well, he has asked me not once, but twice if we can decorate for Christmas this weekend…before Thanksgiving. I tried to explain to him when I usually decorate, but who am I to deny my child? So, this year the turkey will share his day with the HO-HO-HO.

The sky is blue, the ground is wet, and the sun is out. It seems a good day to do some outdoor decorating, so we will begin Operation Christmas Decorating with BJ’s Forever Tree. When I say "we", I really mean "me" because he's still sick and not much energy. :) I wonder if we will get snow tomorrow. We had a dusting of snow the day after we got and decorated his tree yesterday, so I say, “Bring on the snow!”  Nothing makes me feel closer to my son during the winter than the snow, the beauty of the snow, and knowing his love for the “white stuff”. One more thing that makes me smile all while missing him terribly!

Keep On Keeping On

When you lose a loved one, one of the most difficult times to get through is the holiday season and even more so, if you have recently experienced loss. That is where I was a year ago and maybe you are in that place this year. If you are, next year might be a bit better.  I don’t really know that it is a “bit better” but instead of going through the motions this holiday season I have made a vow to myself to enjoy the season again. I’ll be honest; I don’t quite know what that looks like yet. I miss my son terribly. My heart hurts for his daughter and brothers that miss him so much. We are family. We get through the highs and we get through the lows and losing BJ was most definitely the lowest of lows for us.  It happened in October, right before we get in full holiday spirit and it was difficult to do that last year. In fact, it is pretty much a blur for me. He would want us to celebrate as we have always done. Again, I don’t know what that looks like for me this year but I have six beautiful grandchildren and two wonderful sons still on earth with me. They depend on me and they need me just as I need them.

BJ's Forever Christmas Tree

If this is your first holiday season without your loved one all I can suggest is to do what feels right for you in the moment. Perhaps you are going through grief of a different type: a divorce, job loss, separation for any other reason…don't discount that or think your grief is any less devastating than the loss of a person. For you in this moment, it quite possibly is devastating. I have made it through many types of grief; the loss of a 20 year marriage, the loss of a job(s), the loss of my parents, my brother, my sons father, and now my son. As you may imagine, none of the other grief journeys compare to the loss of my child. I have learned a lot about myself and about other people. I have learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought possible, I am more compassionate for others knowing I could lose them at any time, and I live more in the "now" than in the "future". My "holiday advice" (if I dare use the word advice!) is...…Don’t do what others expect. Don’t do things you don’t want to do and if that is completely different than what you have done in holidays past it is ok…you are grieving and you come first. I pray that God brings peace and comfort over you during this time. I pray for your wisdom to know there is light in the tunnel you are traveling through right now.  And I pray for brighter days and restful nights. Keep on keeping on…one day at a time.

Today is a Better Day

We all have good days and we all have bad days, but what we should say is, “all days are good; some days are better.” Someone I know just lost her husband and that is her grief mantra. It really is important to remember that your loved one would want you to continue living even though they aren’t on earth to share life with you anymore. Live your life with purpose. Live your life with desire. Live your life with goodness. Live your life.

I am blessed to spend this day with people I love, people that bring happiness to my life, and people that loved and lost BJ too. Dillon is spending this holiday weekend with his cousins and his aunty; his daddy’s sister and he loves them dearly. I am spending the weekend with BJ’s Aunt Jenny, her kiddos, and just for an enhanced good time I brought my grandson Willy with me. It is joyful to spend time sharing good memories about BJ and making new memories without him, but always with him in our hearts. Tonight I get to share our latest family tradition with her. A tradition that BJ started on our trip to South Carolina, a few months before he died. As a thank you to the family we visited I wanted to make them a homemade spaghetti dinner. As I was cooking, BJ insisted we needed a side of bacon with the dinner. I will admit…I thought he was nuts but we cooked up some bacon to go with dinner anyway.  It has become a tradition with our family and now we are sharing that tradition with his Aunt Jenny…who looked at me like I was crazy when I started cooking the bacon as she was making the salad. :)

All days are good, some days are better. Today is a “better day”.

3 Blind Mice

Three blind mice…three blind mice...see how they run…see how they run…

And so the mice invasion began. (Read last week's blog for the prequel.) You know, on the day we would later be celebrating the life of our BJ. I realize I needed a distraction, but I can think of many other distractions that would have been welcomed at that point; a massage, a day at the beach…anything other than mice thinking they can move into my home! After I cleaned up under the sink I really did put the thought out of my head. I was just beginning my grief journey after all.

The weekend before Thanksgiving and two weeks after BJ’s Celebration of Life, I retreated north of Seattle to spend the weekend with family. Let’s face it, life as I knew it was over, I lost a child, I was a mess, and when I wasn’t crying I was numb. I needed a break, I needed a change of scenery, and I needed to be able to grieve. The drive was good, the holiday lights along the way were lovely, and it was just plain nice to leave home for a short time. Jenny and I played many rounds of Bananagrams while the kids kept us well entertained. It was the distraction that was needed until we had to go back home on Sunday.

I was getting settled into bed. Dillon was working on one of his many projects in his room. It was nice just to be in jammies in the comfort of my bed; until I heard Dillon holler for me. I went to him and he proceeded to tell me that he thought he saw a mouse in his room and he was pretty sure it was hiding out under his dresser. “How do you know,” I asked. “Because I used my flashlight to look under there. It is in the far corner and I can see its beady little eyes!” he responded. I let out a heavy sigh, grabbed my own flashlight, knelt down to take a look for myself; all the while thinking Lord, I really don’t need this right now…I really don’t want to deal with this tonight! Sure enough, those beady little eyes were staring back at me! I immediately went downstairs to grab a “snap trap” from the garage; until now, the only other place we had seen a mouse since moving in the prior year. At that time we killed three before insisting the landlord follow up with pest control. All I could think is…THEY’RE BAAAACK!

I loaded up the trap with some peanut butter and set it up right next to the dresser. “Loaded up” is an exaggeration; I barely put any inside the loop where they have to work for it. I set it up and went off to do something else. Dillon called for me again. Again I went to his room. “Mom, I just watched the mouse come out, eat the peanut butter, and run back under the dresser! Shouldn’t it have trapped him, mom?”  “Um, yes” I responded in my irritated voice. By this time it was 9:00 and the last thing I wanted to be doing this Sunday night was chase a stinking mouse around the house, but hey a girl has to do what a girl has to do! We sat on the edge of Dillon’s bed for a bit; hammer in his hand. He was certain he could trip the trap and catch the mouse if it came out again; well it didn’t. I threw on my slippers and coat; I was off to Walgreen’s, the closest store that I imagined had any mouse paraphernalia. I bought several snap traps, electronic repellents, and the condominium traps that I still feel are useless. As I was loading the snaps with peanut butter I heard some rustling in the reusable grocery bag that I earlier emptied from our trip. I was puzzled; it was on top of a box that was on top of something else…surely a mouse couldn’t be in there. Oh boy was I wrong. I mouse there was! NOOOOOOOOOOO!  I gasped, grabbed the bag, ran out to the front street and shook the mouse out of the bag.  Probably the most humane treatment I have given one of those uninvited houseguests and he probably ran back in the house before I did! Just sayin’! Oh, now my blood was boiling, it’s 10:30 pm, and all I want to do is get some sleep. I strategically placed the three electronic repellents where they could work the majority of the open space, I set some snap traps in areas where we spotted the rodents, and I was going to bed. Clearly Dillon had no interest in crawling into his bed that night and besides my bed sits about 2 ½ feet off the ground. Finally, my bed….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

We were nestled, relaxing to TV while trying to relax enough to sleep…..S-NAP! We both looked at each other and he asked, “My room?” I responded, “I have no idea. You stay here, I will go check.”  I just wanted him to get some sleep; after all he had school the following day. I first checked his room; nope, everything was untouched. I went downstairs to check the kitchen and there it was…a mousey trapped by its foot. Oh my gosh; are you kidding me? He’s trapped, he’s squirming, and I’m freaking out! I can pick up the trap with the deceased rodent and put the entire thing in a bag and give it a proper burial in the garbage can, but I can’t deal with one that is squirming and I shouldn’t have to. FYI: snap traps are a dollar store cheapo and I would much rather toss the entire thing than to remove…well you get the picture! Dillon came to my rescue and well, I disposed of it. I grabbed the disinfectant wipes cleaned up the hammer and the ground around where the trap had sat.

Take two: We were nestled in bed, trying to relax to TV after taking care of mouse business…..S-NAP! Seriously, again!? Again, I told Dillon to stay in bed and I was off to find the filled trap. We got the little hummer that was hanging out under the dresser; I removed the remains, cleaned up, and went back to bed; now wondering if I will ever get any sleep this night. Dillon sat up and said he was going to take a shower so maybe he could sleep. The shower has been Dillon’s “place” since he lost his daddy over three years ago. He has taken up to five showers in one day. He finds comfort, he prays, he cries, and now as he is getting older, listens to a lot of music.

We caught three, things were quieting down, and now maybe, just maybe I can get some sleep…S-NAP!  NOOOOO!  YESSSSSS! No, I just want to sleep! Yes, we killed another little sucker! By this time, Dillon was a sleep. It was another in his room. I set more traps, cleaned things up, and then went back to bed. Finally, I was asleep too. I checked things the next morning; the traps were empty and we went about our day. I contacted the landlord to let them know the mice had crossed the barrier into the house and we needed to address this situation immediately; pest control was scheduled for the following day. The day was quiet. I was chatting on the phone with a friend, telling her my mice story and she asked if I had caught more this day. I said, “Nope, they must be hiding out!” S-NAP! No kidding; while I was talking with her on the phone I caught another.

Pest Control confirmed that the bait which was originally in the traps the previous year, under the house, in the garage, and outdoors, was gone. He reloaded all of them. He told me that he rarely goes into someone’s home that has set the traps up exactly as they should be set; against the wall, two or more 6-8” apart in a row, and very little peanut butter…just enough to give them a scent. I almost felt he was congratulating me…um, ok?! But when he told me that for every one we see there are 10-12 we don’t see! OMG…are you kidding me!? I told him I had walked the parameter of every room and couldn’t find any droppings and I know mice can poop…A LOT! He also checked and couldn’t see any. So, “along the wall”? Yes, mouse traps need to be set up against a wall with the trap coming down towards the wall. The reason is simple; mice are blind, they run along the walls and boxes, etc. because their whiskers feel the wall. So, three blind mice, three blind mice, see how they run, see how they run…

So far, so good, praying the uninvited guests stay away this winter. I hope this brought some laughter to your life today!

I'm Up and I'm Dressed

Solemn thoughts…about this Friday…a year ago…

That first two weeks are pretty much a blur; I can’t tell you who was here exactly when or on what day I did what. All I know is I had people in and out of my house staying with me, helping me prepare for the afterlife; you know…the life after you’ve lost your loved one. My memory bank has always been much like my mother’s; you ask me when something happened or when someone did what and I can narrow it down to the year or the month…and sometimes, even the day. But, not those first two weeks of losing my son; they are a blur. On this Friday last year, I was preparing for a houseful of people. Family and friends coming from all over the United States; the furthest coming from South Carolina…one of his best friends, the friend we had just, three months prior, trekked across the US to see, in the same truck that crushed him…the same truck that rest on him as he took his last breath. I still shiver and tear up thinking of my son lying there, on the cold, wet ground, and what thoughts must have been going through his mind knowing he was at the end of his life on earth. Sigh, take a breath, recompose myself…

“I’m up and I’m dressed”…my mantra the first few weeks. I knew BJ would not want me to lose myself. He would expect me to get up, get dressed, and carry on, so I did. Today, I am still processing all that has happened, the loss of my oldest child, and what keeps me going every day. I won’t lie; I have had a few days that I have stayed in bed or days that I haven’t gotten dressed. Not because they were unbearable days, but because I was exhausted or just needed a down day. But, I can count those days on one hand not two, so considering the flipside and where else I could’ve ended up on this journey of grief I am ok with that and I think BJ would be too; or at least I tell myself that.

My house filled up that weekend as we prepared to “love him, but let him go”, as I pulled together photos of his life that would scroll on the big screen for all to see, as I prepared to meet and greet his loving friends and family that would make the trip to honor their loved one that they just lost. That Friday was filled with last minute shopping and family arriving late into the night. Saturday was a day I allowed myself a pedicure and wine, dinner and shared memories of BJ with friends, some of his cousins, two of his aunties, and his brother; while more people were arriving late into the night. Much of Sunday was a blur, except the mice…that memory is embedded in my brain. That morning, the 8+ people that were sharing 1200 square feet of space were taking turns in the shower, sharing memories over coffee, making bacon maple bars, and even sharing some laughter from BJ stories. The morning was good…until….some uninvited guests showed up. The house was somewhat quiet with two people making a last minute store run, one person in the backyard indulging in coffee and a “smoke”, while the other few were upstairs getting themselves together for the day. However, I decided to take advantage of the time and clean up the kitchen that had mass amounts of bacon and maple bars everywhere. All was going fine, dishes were getting rinsed and in the dishwasher, recycling finding its way to the container, and garbage getting put in the bag. Wait a minute, what’s that I see under my sink? Mouse droppings?! You’ve got to be kidding me! Today of all days…are you kidding me!? I don’t need this and I certainly don’t want to deal with it. Mice are cute little critters…as long as they don’t try to move into my dwelling! I swiftly grabbed my dustpan and brush, cleaned up the mess, and carried on. Really didn’t give it another thought. I dodged a bullet…so to speak. My bestie that was staying here didn’t know (until she reads this…if she does) and she would have freaked out…not her cup of tea. The others would have likely taken it with a grain of salt (and have already heard my "mice story").

Everyone gathered in my living room, my sister and her family met us here, we loaded the car, and we were off for a day that was sure to be a day fitting of my son. A day we would celebrate his much too short life and a day filled with hugs and many, many tears. That’s the part of the day that was a blur. I saw many people, I hugged many people, and I heard many memories of my son, but my heart hurt so much that I don’t remember much about that day. As quickly as my house filled, it emptied, and then I had to learn to live with what had happened; that my son was suddenly gone. My heart still hurts and I still have a hard time remembering what has happened (and when) over this past year and two weeks, but I still get up and I still get dressed and I still carry on…just as BJ would want.