Here and Now; My Reality

For the last five years, the fall (especially September and October) have become challenging months for me. Not only is October one of my busiest work months, but on the 20^th I lost my oldest child. I feel very blessed to have a job that I love, allows me to travel around our beautiful state, and affords me the opportunity to work from home. It has also become a great distraction during the difficult and emotionally draining months; September and October.

We all expect to lose our parents as we age; although it is still a heartbreaking loss. It teaches us how important our time on Earth is and how to process the act of “grieving”. I lost my parents in 2002 (mom) and 2006 (dad). I felt that heartbreak and learned what grief was all about. That would still not prepare me for the loss of my own child. In September 2014, our family lost my youngest sons dad…it was a sudden death and devastating process for my son and for me. I had to learn to suppress my emotions and focus on his loss, because no matter what I was going through it did not compare to what my ten-year-old child was going through. And still, this would not prepare me for the loss of own child…just two years later.

Much like today; it was a Friday, I had just finished with two weeks of out-of-town conferences, and I was busy working…nearly this same hour of the day. That’s the day my world crashed. That’s the day I was not prepared for. That’s the day my middle son had to deliver the news to me that my oldest son was gone; taken all-of-a-sudden. I would never hear his voice on the other end of the phone again. I would never have his arms hug me again. I would never feel the excitement of him pulling into my driveway for a visit again. Three years later…oh my gosh, did I even say that? THREE YEARS LATER!!! Still, three years later…I sob with intense thoughts and memories, I hold back tears when mentioning to another that he has been gone THREE YEARS, and I still feel the loss…that I was never prepared for.

I launched this blog on his birthday two and a half years ago, in his honor. A place for me to share my feelings, raw emotions, and release the tears as I write. I dedicated Friday’s to him; #ForgetYOUnotFriday. I also dedicate Friday’s to his brothers; my sons that I still have on Earth…the sons I still talk to on the phone, I still get to feel their hugs, and I still get excited when I see Bryan pull into my driveway. I’m learning to live with my devastating loss, but it’s not easy. The bottom line is…I still have two wonderful sons that are here with me and they are my world; my here and now. I pray every night that God will leave them here with me; that their purpose is still unfolding, and that I will never feel the loss of another child. That is my reality!

Where Has the Time Went?

Where has the time went? We keep living our lives and then we sometimes stop and say, “I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe he’s been gone so long already.” I’ve said it before…in so many ways it seems like it was just yesterday you came rolling up to see us; flying in, on the move, never being still. And in other ways, it’s been so long since I’ve felt the warmth of your arms around me, giving me one of those infamous hugs or hearing your voice on the other end of the phone. How do we get beyond all those little things that are so important in our memories, but sometimes haunt us? We keep living our lives, that’s how. We keep on keeping on, knowing that is the cycle of life, knowing that is what BJ would want for every single one of us.

At moments I’m sad to know you will never see your daughter, little brother, nieces and nephews grow up, that you will never see your brothers home and piece of God’s country outside the hustle and bustle of the city, that you will never help me transform the rundown fixer upper to my place of refuge, and that I will never hear your voice on the other end of my phone.  You will watch us from your spot in Heaven where you know no sorrow, where you will wait for us to join you, and where we know you live eternally.

A Golden Heart Stopped Beating

In Memory of Bill Trapold

Dedicated to his loving family

This week has been a whirlwind; stressful, exciting, and humbling. I’m preparing for my first trip out of the country and trying not to over pack but have everything I “think” I need. Making sure I have important papers in order, emergency information to those that need it, and my most precious Dillon cared for while I’m away.

Amid the trip prep frenzy, work has been crazy busy (unusual for July!)…with new client proposals, a new registration to learn to program, making sure all the loose ends are tied up!  If that wasn’t enough, we seem to learn our strengths and weaknesses in the middle of chaos. A dear friend of the family went to be with Jesus this past Sunday. He lived a full and happy life. It was difficult for me to fathom what his family has went through the past 6+ months as he battled Cancer; finding out a few short weeks ago that Leukemia was added to the list he was battling. I was humbled to visit him in his last few hours amongst his family and seeing the sadness and grief they were already starting to feel. It is heartbreaking to know what they’ve already endured through his illness and to know only too well what lies ahead in the next few months.

I’ve sat with him and his family. I’ve prayed with him and his wife. I was prepared when God laid on my heart to go to him in his last few hours; to pray with him and to know with total certainty that he would be going home to be with Jesus. I prayed for the knowledge to know. I prayed for God’s words to pray over him. I prayed to give words of comfort and compassion to each family or friend that I crossed paths with that day. Being there, spending time, I knew it was a matter of hours. I knew as much as he fought to stay here, he was preparing himself to leave. I prayed with them one last time that day and I felt a sense of peace in the room. I knew Bill was ready. He was tired. He was ready.

I didn’t get that with my son. I didn’t get those “last moments”. I didn’t get that sense of peace. But I also didn’t get months of torture knowing the end was coming. For that, I am ever so grateful. I got my sense of peace from God. He gave me word that He took him home with Him, to wait for us.

As I spent time last night putting together the Celebration of Life program for this family, a lot of memories came flooding back. I’m thankful that I can read the words I wrote about my son and know that I did right by him. That I honored his farewell exactly as he would’ve wanted it; with his closest friends and family in a lodge setting filled with his favorite things. One of the hardest things I did was to get up in front of 250+ people and talk about my son, his life, and what he meant to me. I am honored and humbled, at the request of Bill’s “bride of 39 years”, to say a few words and pray at his Celebration on Sunday. I pray that God gives me His words to speak. That He will allow me to speak His words to that “one” person that needs to hear them. That, even if I fumble, I will Honor His Word and I will honor Bill’s memory.

It’s hard to know how to help people during grief. Sometimes, often, it’s just letting them know you’re thinking of them, praying for them, and they’re not being forgotten when their loved one is no longer here. Some days are filled with loneliness. Some days are filled with joyful memories. Some days you want to stay in bed. Some days you want to keep busy. Every day you remember.

Being Strong Was My Only Choice

As I sit here in my beautiful new surroundings, enjoying the gorgeous views, I miss you. I miss that you weren’t here for Demo Day, even though I know you wouldn’t have been anyway! You would’ve been camping and asking me why I always do these things on a holiday weekend; as if I had a choice on this one. Regardless of what you are not here for, I know you are always with us. I know you would be thrilled about my new home. You would really love it. You would be here to do other things for me; like put up our ceiling fans. You promised to do that task for me after Rich died, because he was the one that put them up and took them down every time we moved. You would question the parking, because you always told me to be sure to find a place that you could park your truck and trailer when you come to visit. I’m on a short street, with a cul-de-sac, and on a hill. But you would take on that challenge and besides you would back into my driveway, which is long enough for your truck and trailer! But each and every time I drive over the three speed bumps, I hear your voice in my head calling them “big a$$ speed bumps” and you surely wouldn’t love them! But you love me and you would love our new home.

You would love to see “D” driving, putting up his own projector screen, fixing random things, helping mom, and working side by side with Bryan. You took him under your wing when his dad died, and he felt that loss when you died. You would absolutely love Bryan’s place and would have a million ideas of what he should do with the property, but you would love his ideas too! You are a good son, BJ, and a good brother, father, and friend. That does not mean you were perfect, none of us are. But you were good and loving to all of us when you were on Earth, and you are still good to us with the memories you left us with.

Today, I have really been reflecting on my thankfulness that all the loss I have endured has been relatively quick. I think of the families that go through months of diagnosis, pain, treatments, and they know what is coming…they just don’t know when. I cannot even imagine that kind of torture. I miss you with all my heart, but I am so grateful that you died so quickly. That you didn’t endure months, days, hours, or even many minutes of pain. I praise and thank Jesus for that. I wasn’t allowed to see you and say good-bye, but I was spared seeing you in a hospital bed on your death bed. I had hours and days of earth-shattering grief at your loss, but I had months of strength-growing life prospective foresight. I didn’t know how much strength I had, until being strong was the only choice I had.

Unconditional Love

It’s quickly approaching…Mother’s Day and your birthday. 38 years ago, on this day, was my “due date” and Mother’s Day…all rolled into one. Apparently, you didn’t know you were “due” to arrive and held hostage inside my womb another six days. Our labor was not an easy one, but the excitement of your arrival outweighed all the pain and anxiety of the previous 15 hours. I held you in my arms and new in an instant; this is love.

I’ve said many times, “you were the first to teach me “unconditional love”” and it’s true. This morning, I was reading a school paper Dillon had to write. It was his opinion of what makes a good parent.  He didn’t know, but I was a bit choked up reading the first sentence and then felt blessed as I read the second sentence and felt accomplished as I read the remainder of “his” words:

I think a good parent looks like my mom. The reason I think this is she loves me unconditionally, no matter what. She loves me even when I’m mean or uncooperative. She doesn’t protect me too much; she lets me learn from my own downfalls and encourages me to be better. She is always there for me in every circumstance and always makes time for me.

I think we all strive to be “good” parents. For some it is more challenging and sometimes the child is more challenging, but I feel God puts us together to teach us humility, grace, and strength. We all have the ability to grow in our parent/child relationships; parents and children. If I were asked to give one piece of advice to a new parent, hands down…it would be…unconditional love. Always show your child they are loved…no matter what. You are their “teacher of life”. Are you teaching them to be the kind of person or parent you want them to grow up to be? Are you teaching them to own their mistakes and learn from them? Are you teaching them to be humble and know when they need to apologize for their wrongdoing? As parents, as humans…we are not perfect. We all make mistakes and most of us learn as we go.

This Mother’s Day, I chose to celebrate my mother who is now in Heaven and the life lessons she taught me as a parent. I won’t lie, some of the things she taught me was what I didn’t want to do or what I might change as a parent. What she taught me is that it was ok to make those changes and be the kind of parent that I thought a person should be. I suspect and expect my children to do the same…take what I have taught them and transform it to their own kind of parent.

I celebrate each of my children this weekend as they each taught me differently as a parent. In addition to unconditional love, BJ taught me that it was ok to make mistakes as a parent…I learned as I went. Bryan taught me that there are limits to spoiling your youngest and to know when those limits are reached; parent before friend and unconditional love above all else. I thought I had parenting in the bag when Dillon came along twenty years later. That is when I learned the depths of my strength as a parent. The first ten years, I co-parented with his father across town; sometimes it was good and sometimes it was tumultuous, but it was always for Dillon first. But it was nearly five years ago, I had to dig really deep to tell my son his father was dying and learn to co-parent with his father in Heaven. I’m lucky to co-parent with two fathers in Heaven. I’ve learned to take time to make decisions and ask myself, “what would Rich want? How would Rich handle this?” Mostly, I pray a LOT and ask our Father, “What do I do now? What is best for Dillon in this moment, in this situation?” And, then I listen…

Happy Mother’s Day to the moms in Heaven this year and prayers to the kids that are missing you.

Happy Mother’s Day to the moms of my grandchildren; thank you for giving life to them and giving me another person to love unconditionally.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the new moms celebrating their first Mother’s Day; cherish the next 18 years.

Happy Mother’s Day to the moms with a child in Heaven. Don’t be too consumed with that loss to recognize the children you still have on Earth and that they still need you; no matter their age.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the rest of the moms (that I didn’t categorize 😊). You deserve a day of honor, love, and lots of flowers! 

May is Full of Promise

38 years ago, I was anticipating the arrival of my first child. Not knowing then, they he would teach me to love unconditionally, put others first, and how to grieve gratefully. Grateful for the 35+ years I had him on Earth, on the other end of the phone, and in my darkest moments. BJ, I miss you every moment in every day, but I am learning to live life with you in Heaven. It’s the most difficult and most painful thing I have ever had to do. I write this as tears well up in my eyes and flow down my cheeks, as I feel each drop roll off my chin. I will never stop missing you and I will never stop living the life I am intended to live…until we meet again.

Today, I am grateful for the good things God has in store for me; bringing promise to May. I get to spend part of today with my sister and next week I anticipate finally closing on a home; my “Fixer Upper”. I am excited to put my touches on this home and restore it back to the beauty it once was. May is full of promise, indeed…for me and my fixer upper!

I pray for those fumbling through their journey of grief  and that they will find a way to keep living their life. That they will find hope in God’s promises, joy in each memory they have of their loved one, and a promise for a brighter tomorrow. Grief isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. The beginning of a new you and a journey that will take you down a road with more turns that you could imagine. You will find yourself consumed in loss, stricken with sorrow, tears that won’t stop, and then…you will round another corner and learn to pick yourself back up, find a reason for going on, and know that NOW isn’t forever. In the blink of an eye you will be reunited with the very person you are grieving over today. Take time for you, take time to process, and get out of bed each day. My baby has been gone more than two and a half years; it feels like yesterday and it feels like forever, but in the blink of an eye I’ll be with him again and that is FOREVER.

God’s blessings over each of you today and always!

Forever You Will Be

Rest In Peace Dear Brother

Our family has lost another; my older brother and youngest of the men in our family has passed away recently. Although we don’t know exactly when or why; we do know he is gone. Can we say he’s in a better place? Unfortunately, I cannot say that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I certainly pray that by God’s grace he was saved from an eternity of torment and demons. Did he suffer in the end? We don’t know that either. We know he wasn’t homeless at the end, but we know he was alone.

Charles D. Antonsen, known to his family as “Chip” and to others as “Chuck” turned 61 last November. In his early adulthood he chose to dismantle himself from the family. He decided when he would keep in touch and with whom he would contact. We all agree, that through the years, there was strong evidence of undiagnosed mental health issues. We do not know what a diagnosis would have revealed or how it may have changed his life. Chip lived much of his life through the fantasy “stories” he told. As his siblings, it was difficult to know what was true and what was not. Much of the time, we just “understood” his life events to be fabricated.

There was much heartache and torment, not for just him, but for the family he “chose” to interact with. He could tell us things that pulled on our hearts, even though in our minds, we knew they were not true. We often went years without communication from him. I am even guilty of ignoring some of his attempts to reach out to me over recent years. “I was living in grief. How could I possibly deal with listening to his stories!?”

After his several attempts at communication, on November 24, just six days before his last birthday I was nudged to respond to him. Thank you, God! We exchanged a few messages and then had a two-hour conversation. He sounded good, but then again, I had not spoken with him in several years. I took things he said with a grain of salt and focused on his voice and how he sounded. It was hard to believe his “stories” and it was just as hard not to believe them. I desperately wanted to believe he was in a good place and that he was living a good life, but evidence does not support my desires. Over the course of the next three months, I texted and spoke with him frequently; sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. He always sounded good, he never raised his voice at me, he did not speak negatively about anyone, and he did not use any profanity. Our conversations were often one sided and I soon realized he just needed to talk. He needed someone on the other end of the phone, someone that was listening. The last time we spoke was on our mother’s birthday, although…we did text after that and he left his last message to me on February 17^th.

Chip, I hope you are freed from suffering and that you have the happiness now that you didn’t experience on earth. I hope one day to be reunited with you. R.I.P. my dear brother. Love…”sis”

Still…You Should Be Here…

       
Just “a” song to many and to many, just “the” song. A song that has taken our family hostage. In the lyrics, we cry out to BJ…”you should be here.” Nearly two and a half years and we feel his presence and we feel his absence. We cannot listen to this heartfelt song without longing to have him with us. To have him sit in the stands with his mom and watch his brother coach his nephew, to have him open presents with us on Christmas morning, to have him boast about his daughter’s accomplishments, and to have him “buildup” the bonfires. Sometimes, his presence is subtle and sometimes it is quite obvious, but he is there…he is here.

Many times, we are caught off guard and our tears and emotions are uncontrollable. We are at a loss, we are sad, and we are angry. We still struggle to understand…why? Maybe, it’s that age old saying, “you don’t know what you have until it is gone.” Some don’t understand how much they love someone until they are taken. Like many of us, I don’t think BJ knew how much he was loved by so many people…but he knows now. He sees the love. He sees the new bonds made…not in his absence, but because of his absence.

BJ…You should be here.

My Everything's

I have been on a rollercoaster for the past 9 weeks with this pending home purchase. Who knew it would be such a wild ride? It was consuming everything I had, so after about 5 weeks I took back control of me. I stopped getting anxious at every setback and stopped getting excited at every victory. I started packing, stopped packing, packed some more, stopped again…and here I am 9 weeks later still unsure if this will even work or if we will ever move into what we thought was our future.

I am saddened to think this is all because I chose to live the “American Dream” seven years ago and become an Independent Contractor (for the second time in my life); work for myself, work from home, and work my own calendar. I don’t understand the logic in penalizing the self-employed that want to provide a secure lifestyle that includes purchasing vs. renting their home. Why should a person that receives a W-2 at the end of the year, rather than a 1099 be allowed to utilize their entire income for the purposes of “borrowing”? They have taxes deducted, sometimes healthcare or retirement deductions, and yet, they can borrow on their “gross” income. Whereas; the self-employed MUST borrow based on their “adjusted gross income”. It seems like double-standards to me.

Just because of that one little fact, I did not qualify for the traditional Manufactured Home Loan…unless I cleared the debt of my car. I do have a hefty car payment, but (if they were using my “gross” income) on paper I clearly can afford a house payment too! Just imagine if they knew of the LARGE tuition, I pay for Dillon’s education each month! Yikes! With all of this said and as I mentioned in my last post, I took matters into my own hands and found a lender that has been willing to go the extra mile with me. And still, it is situation and condition after condition that was consuming my everything.

A few weeks ago, I decided I couldn’t live the way I was living (filled with anxiety and stress of this process), so once again…I took matters into MY control and decided to change my lifestyle for the betterment of my health; physical, mental, emotional health. I am now 23 days into my new lifestyle and 9 weeks into my home purchase efforts. I have switched my focus from “should I pack, are we moving?” to “I will eat healthy today, I will meet my water quota, I will reach my Fitbit goals, and I will take my supplements” to ensure a healthier, more energetic, and more vibrant ME.

I’m still waiting on ANOTHER condition to get met for the home loan, but I have lost 6.6 lbs. AND over 11 inches. I have not had ANY processed or fried foods in 23 days, nor any coffee. Instead of a few adult beverages while out of town working this week, I limited myself to ONE per night (and one was a “BJ Beer” as my boss calls Coors Light) and I didn’t even have one my final night there. I stayed on target with every daily goal I have set for myself. I feel accomplished in myself…despite the house buying saga that is now taking two or three steps forward and only one step backwards at a time! I’ll wait to get excited on closing day and if that doesn’t happen, I’ll get excited because I know I have tried all possible avenues and I’m not a quitter.

Through the ups and downs of this process and now with my daily accomplishments, it’s tough not to pick up the phone and talk to Beej. He called me about stuff, and I called him about stuff, that’s just our relationship. Now, he’s watching from Heaven and I hear him cheering me on…”You got this mom! You’re doing great mom!” Even though I know he’s my cheerleader above, it’s still not the same as having him here. Some days I am overcome by the sadness the death of a child leaves and really, the only thing that helps is just to cry it out. Let the tears fall as they may. I know that sad days important, because they mean that I miss someone that is important to me. My kids and grandkids are and have always been my everything.  And, I know my “everything’s” need me, and they need me healthy and the best I can be. As much as I love and miss BJ, I’m not ready to leave everyone else to be with him. I’ll be with him again one day, but for this day I am right where I want and need to be.

Self-Employed + House Buying = Good Grief

As in…Good grief, Charlie Brown!

I’ll admit, I’ve found it difficult to write the past few weeks. Not because I don’t have things to say, but because the things on my mind aren’t necessarily “grief” things; however, they are part of my journey and this is my platform…so I’m going to share this part of my journey too!

Back when I was young, in the 60’s and 70’s, you went to school, graduated, got married, raised a family, and lived happily-ever-after. Happily-ever-after has evolved over the past few decades. There seems to be more emphasis on career and then family, which isn’t all bad. I grew up, graduated, got married, raised two awesome boys, got divorced, sold our family home, began a career, had another awesome boy, started a different career, AND lost both of my parents, my youngest son’s father, my oldest son, my oldest brother, and other close friends/family. Grief takes a toll on us; it causes stress, depression, anxiety, physical health issues, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes, it’s hard to muddle through snowed-in days, blown down fences, or empty nests. Life isn’t all ice cream sundaes and Disneyland trips.

After nearly 19 years of life after divorce and nearly 17 years of being a renter, I decided to take a step back in to homeownership. I’m not exactly sure why I decided this was the time, but I think it was a combination of things…rent isn’t getting any cheaper and neither are home prices, my youngest son has desired a dog since he was a toddler, I love to garden and take great pride in my home…are just a few things that come to mind. A while back, Bryan said to me, “mom, you love to garden and fix-up around your house, why don’t you just buy a house and put that your efforts into something for yourself instead of your landlord?” Well now, that’s a good question. I guess I thought I would remarry one day, buy a house together, enjoy “our” grandkids, and…yes, live happily-ever-after! Clearly, I’m quite comfortable being independent and “MY” life has been more important than finding another husband. I wouldn’t mind companionship, but I am quite content in “MY” life and what I have made of it…on my own.

Dillon…and a dog. Now, that’s another subject. Like I mentioned, he has wanted one for quite some time. I love dogs; however, I really haven’t wanted to be bothered by “everything” that comes along with having a pet…been there, done that. Plus, I’ve been a renter and having a pet while renting is an added “complication” that…I didn’t want to bother with. And, then, hey I started a new career; one that takes me traveling a few times a year. With that, comes additional pet expense and more “I didn’t want to be bothered with.” You get the idea. Over the past few years, I have come to realize how important a pet is to Dillon and the benefits it could provide for him. Not only have I been grieving, so has he. He doesn’t complain about it and he hasn’t dwelled over his losses. All he has done is request a dog and present me “his case” for why. It wasn’t an easy road for him (trying to “convince” me) and after countless discussions and compromises, I agreed that a dog would be beneficial to his grief journey as well as provide him with a responsibility that only a pet can offer. So, began the thoughts of home and pet ownership.

I knew two things; I did not want to be “house poor” and I wanted something fitting for my 2-person and 1 pet family that would likely be a starter family home for Dillon one day. I concluded that a manufactured home was the right option. I looked at new ones and I looked at multiple used ones. I checked out numerous manufactured home communities; boy is their rent pricing all over the map. My favorite was the $840 “lifestyle fee” to live there! Really, I don’t need $850 worth of “lifestyle”, but thank you! Geez Louise! Regardless, I began my “serious” search last May. By process and elimination, pros and cons; I found what seemed to be the perfect one for me and it is very close to my current location, which I really like. Everything started falling into place. I looked at the home three times and then decided I would fill out the papers to get “pre-approved.”

Let me insert some additional information: The Manufactured Home Community is unique…

·         For homes in parks you will note the same “few” realtors on the listings. This is because they are required to have a special license to sell a MH within a park; because they are still considered “mobile”…like an auto or RV.

·         There was no point in “getting my own realtor” because there were few to chose from, so I did most of my house-hunting on my own.

Ok, pre-approval submittal: That was on a Friday and on Monday, bam – preapproval I had! I then went into the offer stage. After a week, an agreement was reached. Another side note: let me say when I bought my one and only home before…I was married, I was young, we assumed a loan, and my brother was the realtor. The process was easy, peasy and I don’t really remember much about it. We filled out some papers and a few weeks later, we moved in. Ok, back to the offer; an agreement was reached and then I was told it was time to “fill-out” the “full” loan papers (as if the pre-approval ones were the short version). Ok, no problem, what could go wrong? I filled out their papers and submitted them with all the documents they requested. Bam…approved! I’m excited….right up to the point where they tell me they need more information. What? I found out really quick…”pre-approval” only means that you are “credit-approved” AND then my “approval” for the loan, was again…only “credit-approval”. Seriously? Good grief! I’ve learned some a few lessons in this process.

·         The rules for self-employed are much different than for the employed.

·         Realtors and Lenders should not use terms like “gross income” when that is NOT the case for the self-employed. The minute the realtor hears the buyer is self-employed they should use the term “adjusted gross income, from Schedule C” and no exceptions. (Per new standards a few years ago.)

My friends, that makes a HUGE difference. Self-employed people have many right-offs to offset taxes. Don’t tell me “gross income” when you really mean “adjusted gross income”. The first lender wanted me to pay off my car (“retire some debt”, they call it) and have additional cash for the down payment…to the tune of $33,000 on a selling price of less than $100,000. Seriously, are you on crack? By this time, one month has passed since my first “pre-approval”.

At that point, I took matters into my own hands and began to search for a different lender. Another side note: manufactured homes in parks are not typical “home” loans and once again, a few elite lenders seem to be available. Good grief! I made several phone calls and although many institutions do offer MH loans, most are only if they are on their own property…not in a park community. You might be asking, why not just buy new and put on property? Because I don’t want to be house poor. It is a conventional loan that would require more down payment AND let’s remember they are not using my GROSS income, but the ADJUSTED GROSS income.

After calling a few places and realizing they don’t do MH loans in parks, one would think I might be discouraged. I was disappointed the first lender didn’t even come back with: “you need to retire “x” amount of debt or we can only lend “x” amount”, but that didn’t happen. It was retire “x” amount of debt or nothing, no further communication from them once I told them I wasn’t willing to do that.

Here I sit, December 31^st, wondering what to do next. I can’t seem to find a lender and that just seems crazy. Why would God line things up so perfectly for the door to be shut at the loan process. I just knew he wouldn’t “toy” with us that way. The only explanation; it wasn’t the right lender. After a few phone calls, I remembered continually hearing an advertisement on the Christian radio last summer; but couldn’t remember the name. A few minutes later, it came to me and I looked them up on the internet. Thank you, Jesus, for supplying that name in my mind! After a short online “chat” session, I had someone call me. My first question: “Do you do MH loans?” His answer, to my dismay, was, “no.” We hung up. I was sure God was leading me here. At this point, I needed a break from this, so I got up and walked away. About an hour later, my phone rang, and it was “Matt” whom told me “no” a short while ago. He apologized and said he was wrong, and he found out that they do work on MH loans. Hallelujah! (insert musical notes!) I proceeded to share where I was in the process and everything that had happened. I was sure I needed to find someone that would use my “gross” wages because otherwise the figures were showing too high of income to debt ratio. We talked for well over a half an hour, when he asked if I wanted to proceed. I told him I would need to talk to a loan officer before I was willing to have them “run my credit”, since I had already seen declining points from the previous inquiries. He assured me, a loan processor would call Wednesday or Thursday as they were gone for the holiday at this time. Perfect! Wednesday afternoon, as promised, Robert called. We talked for nearly an hour and I agreed to send him my loan package to review before we agreed to proceed. After his review, January 3^rd, I am working with them…although I still don’t have a “loan commitment letter” and the sellers are getting anxious. Our original closing date was this coming Monday, January 21^st, we are 7 weeks in this process, and we’re still waiting. Praying Tuesday brings the commitment letter, but hey I might just be the “Angel of Patience”.

New Year...Stronger Us

Grief can leave you with feelings all over the place. You can be enjoying Christmas and the beauty of your decorated home or the smells of fall candles, and then boom, it hits you. You miss your loved one or loved ones. I would say after 2+ years, we are doing pretty good day to day. There are more memories and less tears. I’m a mother and I’m a survivor. 

I was binge watching a comedy this week. It’s kind of raunchy humor and more cussing than I care for, but I can relate to some of the characters and I find myself laughing often by the dialog. Sometimes, we just need a little laughter in our day. I was about 5 or 6 episodes into this show, when BAM! One of the brothers came up missing. (Now, mind you, I am not a fan of watching the news. I would like to see more “good” news than what is reported. So, I really had no idea this character was due to leave the show.) The father and slightly younger (about 3 years or so…like Bryan to BJ) brother were called to the accident sight. The father could look at the mangled motorcycle and see no way his son could survive that, while the younger brother could look at the situation and be convinced that his brother had set this scene because he had been threatened and by all accounts, in his mind, his brother was still alive. 

The show continues the story through a couple of episodes, finally ending with a Celebration of Life for the MIA brother. The younger brother was opposed to the celebration and felt everyone was turning their back on his brother. Towards the end and after receiving a present from his lost brother, he began to accept his brother had died. 

Why do I share all of this? Because I’ve been quite busy with life; the Christmas season, the ups and downs of the home buying process, traveling, yada, yada, yada, to really “feel” feelings. I have kept others that have lost a loved one this year in my thoughts and prayers, knowing how the first holidays without their “person” can be. I’ve spent time with my kids, with my grandkids, and with friends…the usual holiday stuff. I haven’t really taken time to delve into my feelings, although when one of your children has died you just always miss them and have a continual feeling of loss and sadness without their human presence. 

Watching that comedy this week provided a laughter I really needed…right up until the accident. In that moment, as I watched the dad and brother at the accident sight I cried. I could see Bill and Bryan on that road, feeling those feelings, and I knew what that family had in store. I know it’s just a TV show, but friends it was eerily real. I could feel the denial and disbelief. I could feel the heartache having to come to terms of their loss and I could cry at every word that was spoken at that Celebration of Life. I could feel it as if I just went through that horrific ordeal…yesterday. The most gut-wrenching was watching the younger brother scenes. They showed him while playing “Drink a Beer” by Luke Bryan. Why was this so difficult? Because of the resemblance it had to the brothers on TV and the McCormick brothers. Bryan first heard that song just days after losing his brother. He quit listening to country music for a few months because of that. I got a phone call in early June, eight months after BJ died, from Bryan’s oldest son. He said, “Grandma Peggy, something is wrong with Bryan. He’s just sitting outside, drinking a beer, listening to the same country song.” I had just cooked a plate of food. I left it on the counter, jumped in my car, and found my sweet boy sitting on his patio, drinking a Coors Light (BJ’s beverage of choice), and listening to country music. There was a sadness that he had suppressed…until he couldn’t anymore. I didn’t tell him his son called me. I just told him I was out and about so was stopping in to see him. I could tell he wasn’t good. He finally broke down and told me about the song, when he first heard it, and how he quit listening to country music, until that day, because it was too painful. We talked, he played that song (several times) for me, and at times we were just quiet. I felt his hurt all over again as I watched that show last night and as I heard that song. Some days are harder than others. Some songs or some shows trigger our feelings and allow us to release our sadness through “more” tears.

I have a good life. I have two wonderful living sons. I have adorable, funny, and loving grandchildren. And, I have a son in Heaven. My person that waits with my other people for my arrival. I miss him terribly, but in a blink of an eye we will be together again. Knowing that helps me keep “living”, just as he would want and expect of me.

If you have just went through your first holiday season without your person, you have more strength than you knew. You are a survivor. You will grieve for a long time and maybe forever. Remember to enjoy each day that you are given, because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow and some will not make it until then. God Bless and Godspeed!