The Important Stuff...

Warning: the subject you are about to read is not one of a fun nature, but it is one of importance.

I had a conversation with a dear friend this morning about another loss in her life; more of an acquaintance than a close friend, but nonetheless…a loss. As I drove, we chatted away about many things one of which was the lack of care people take in things that should be of highest priority…a Will, Guardianship, and Life Insurance. I am not here to preach to you about this, but friends I was guilty of preparing these very items myself. I don’t have a whole lot of anything worth fighting over; they are more of everyday “comforts”, job necessities, and mementos. But, why in the world would I leave the decision of “what to do with mom’s stuff” to my kids. Let’s face it…they will be devastated and perhaps not find “your stuff” as important as you do. I’m also not down playing “your stuff” and you probably have assets more valuable than mine. Isn’t it more considerate to leave a note or a Will letting your loved ones know what is “ok” for them to do with things? And, if you have multiple kids divide “your stuff” for them to lessen the chance of disputes. Talk to them about it before you go so they will also understand the importance of preparing as they get older.

Again, I was guilty of not having these documents in place…for YEARS! But, when you start going through loss after loss or perhaps just one substantial and life-altering loss or a life-scare you will realize you should not put this off. You are not too young and you are not too old. Your family will be thanking you even after you are gone and they will know just how much you truly love them.

Guardianship…do you have something in place for your minor child(ren) should something happen to both parents? If not, do it. Not only do it, but if they are old enough to help make the decision; let them. It is not only important to send your children to someone you trust to care for them, but also someone that they have a relationship with and someone they feel comfortable with and trust. They will be devastated and need a feeling of comfort. You only have today; tomorrow isn’t promised and there is nothing written that a child will not lose both parents at one time. YES, I said the unthinkable but accidents happen every single day and you have the choice to take care of your children…even after you are gone.

Life Insurance…It’s not that expensive and it will help cover costs for funerals or Life Celebrations. It will also help your family take care of your things and even possibly help in the care of your young ones left behind. Seek out advice, ask friends for referrals, talk to your insurance agent. The only thing I will suggest is to get a Life Insurance policy NOT an accidental death policy; they come with more restrictions than people realize.

A Will…One of the least expensive items that give the most peace of mind and can include guardianship. You can download forms, write it yourself, and sign in the presence of two witnesses. Can you say…Peace of Mind? I can’t even tell you!

One thing I didn’t mention above, but I felt important was an Advanced Care Directive. When I set mine up, BJ was alive and I talked with both him and Bryan about it. I let them know exactly what my wishes are, that it was their dual responsibility to carry out my wishes…one could not do it without the other. Unfortunately…that burden now lies solely on Bryan. But again, I have already made the decisions so he does not have to. He just has to be my advocate and know that I have already given him permission to carry out my wishes.

If you’ve made it all the way through this post…thank you and have a blessed week!

Our Guardian Angel

My thoughts have been all over the place the past twenty-four hours. That’s usually the time I begin compiling my thoughts for my Friday post; when I start putting into perspective how I am feeling and where I am at emotionally in the moment. I’m not quite sure why they’ve been all over the place; whether it’s been a couple of later than usual nights, I haven’t gotten as much sleep, he’s been on my mind in many different ways, or (check the box) all of the above.  So, I’m just going to do what I always do and …lay it out there…even if it’s all over the place. Grief is rarely an organized journey!

To begin with, I have been making a valiant effort to reach my Fitbit goals this year and with that comes walking every hour. I sit at a computer all day long working and it is really important to remember to eat and to “get up and move” hourly; neither of which I have been good at doing. So, when my Fitbit vibrates at ten minutes before the hours I have designated as “active” hours, I get up and walk circles around my dining room and kitchen. It’s not a big circle, fourteen steps to be exact, but it’s what I have and it’s what I do.

This week as I have been walking in circles; each time I pass BJ’s urn with Cheyenne’s picture next to it I am reminded of her Christmas visit. We were looking forward to cookie making the evening we returned from Central Oregon and my surprise to her was a Christmas Cookie Party the following night where she was the guest of honor. She would get to spend a few hours with some of her “west side of the mountain” family, friends, and kiddos…and, she was excited. First things first though, she was excited to give me a Christmas card along with her school picture. As I opened it and stared at the beauty in the photo she asked, “Grandma, will you put my picture up next to daddy?”  It’s still there, even though I need to get just the right frame for it. During our visit I came to realize, for most conversations, BJ is daddy and Kevin is dad. I won’t lie…that does take some getting used to and the first time I heard her refer to Kevin as dad it did sting and hurt. The entire situation has taken some getting used to. Not because of BJ’s death and not because of the impending finality to the marriage at the time of his death, but because of both.  They both had time to mourn the loss of their marriage; I had not gotten to that place yet. I hadn’t gotten to a place where Carrie and I had figured out the dynamics of our post-divorce relationship and I can honestly say that I don’t know how that would’ve looked had BJ not died. I do know that from the moment the split started BJ insisted that I keep a relationship with Carrie because she’s been like a daughter to me, she is Cheyenne’s mother, and she is a good mother. It was difficult not to feel heartache for my son during that time; which also meant that it was difficult to continue the same relationship I once had with Carrie.  I may not have been thrilled about the ending of their marriage or the way it came to be, but that has nothing to do with his death. I am also a firm believer that “they” were getting a divorce and neither of them was divorcing family and friends. Many people lose sight of this. Since that dreadful night 15 months and 6 days ago, I have built a new and better relationship with Carrie and I am accepting their family situation where Kevin fills the role of dad to my granddaughter.  He does not take BJ’s place; he has entered a different place in Cheyenne’s life, she knows the difference, and that's all that matters. I am thankful that Carrie does and will continue to keep BJ’s memory alive for Cheyenne, as that little girl is his greatest living legacy. I can clearly see that Cheyenne and Keegan are thriving in their environment and that, more than anything, is the most important thing. BJ will always be loved, never be forgotten, and his memory kept alive. There will be a day when Cheyenne doesn’t remember him as clearly as she does now; that is just the nature of the beast, but she will always have her memories and she will always learn more about him through the memories of others. Yes, all of this from walking circles.

As I mentioned earlier, my sleep or lack thereof was getting the best of me by yesterday afternoon so I opted for an early to bed evening.  I’m a dreamer, some people aren’t, but I am. Last night I dreamt BJ was back….here…alive. It’s different from other dreams I’ve had since he died. The other dreams he’s entered to give me a message; to let me know he’s watching us and he’s still with us. Last night we were racing four wheel drives around and he couldn’t believe everyone thought he was dead for the past 15+ months.  There were a lot of people there but the only faces that were clear were mine, BJ’s, and Bryan’s. They were inseparable; BJ and Bryan. You could tell Bryan had his brother back and he was not leaving his side for a moment.  As BJ and I were sitting down to have a heart-to-heart about what this time was like without him, I was abruptly awoke by the cry of the bladder…at 4 o’clock am. I’m not sure why the time is significant but it certainly does feel that way to me. I crawled back into bed…only to feel the heartache of his loss again. He has been in many dreams, but from Heaven. This one was so different, that even asleep; it gives you a false hope. I hope that this has all been a bad dream and he will walk through my door and give me a hug again. And to know that is not true, just makes me cry and have a strong desire to have him with us again.

I will keep praying for him to be in my dreams…from Heaven…to bring me messages. But I will never pray nor do I want another dream where he is back from the dead. That was just too painful! The message in this dream; the brother bond my two oldest sons share will never be broken and is as strong today, even though one of them is in Heaven. He is in Heaven watching and protecting his daughter and his brothers. He is our guardian angel.

Time Does Heal...Right?

Written Saturday, January 20, 2018

"It's hard to believe BJ's been gone 15 months today. No matter the length of time, he lives in us and through us. It seems like an eternity already and yet like yesterday. Dance with Jesus, baby! Love you and miss you every minute."

This is how my day started…excited to try out my homemade coffee creamer and sitting down to work when realizing it’s the “20^th” of another month. And then, you find yourself calculating exactly how many months it’s been even though you just calculated it last month and the month before and the month before that…you get the picture. For the first time since October 20, 2017; BJ’s first birthday in Heaven, I decided to recognize this day on Facebook. And after my message has posted, I reread it and that is the moment my eyes fill with tears. Knowing my boy is in Heaven; waiting for the rest of us and knowing he’s never going to walk in my front door again and knowing his memory is living in me and it just hurts that one of my babies died. By now, there is an endless flow of tears. I feel each one running down my face, getting colder as they reach the end and fall to my shirt. I taste the salt of each one that hits my lip. I can’t reach for the tissue fast enough because I want to make sure I get my feelings down on paper; exactly how I am feeling them in this moment because I know there is someone else out there that will read this and will feel this and know they are not alone…even if it is only one person…they need to know they are not alone. These feelings happen, usually unexpectedly. They are part of the process, they are part of the healing, and they will likely happen for years to come. It’s not that I’m not letting go of BJ, it’s that I don’t want to let go of my memories of BJ and that I am keeping his memory alive. I am processing the feelings as they come; some days not at all and some days like a thunder storm.

“Time does heal and the pain does lessen”, people say. My perspective: Time will not heal your grief; it’s the effort you make in that time that will bring about healing and the pain doesn’t lessen, not for me anyway. It is just as intense, but I don’t feel it as often. Maybe it should say, “Your effort of time will bring about healing and painful moments occur less often.” That I would agree with, but it doesn’t have the same “ring” to it and here I am analyzing a silly statement because apparently I have nothing better to do on this Saturday morning. But when someone you love so much has died that statement does mean something and it’s not silly. Most people just beginning their journey have difficulty believing that they can heal over time because when you are waist deep in grief and turmoil it feels like it will never end. You feel like you will never stop crying or never start living again…and never heal. I guess you have to ask yourself: Would (fill in your loved ones name) want me to keep living? Would (fill in your loved ones name) want me to keep their memory alive? Would (fill in your loved ones name) want me to heal? My answers would be…Yes, Yes, and Yes…BJ would want that; for all of us in his life and most likely your loved one would too.

So, no matter where you are in your journey of grief, no matter what you are doing in this moment, no matter how much pain you are feeling, and no matter how many tears are falling…keep living, keep healing, and be thankful for this day as if it is your last because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. God bless you in this very moment.

Imagine Their Presence

Sometimes it seems as though life is flying by and other times it feels like we are crawling like a snail. Some days it feels like it’s been forever since BJ died, while other days it seems like I just saw him yesterday. That’s when the pain is real; when I can vividly see his smile and warmly feel one of his infamous hugs.  I must admit…I don’t feel like I’m drowning in grief every minute and I am experiencing more “happy” days than sorrowful ones.  I have been doing more of what makes “me” happy rather than just going through the motions and it is a great feeling. I have enjoyed doing more crafting over the last several weeks and experimenting making new things. I’m really excited to make homemade fancy coffee creamer tonight so it is ready for my Saturday morning cup of Jo! We’ve been trying to eat healthier and definitely less processed foods, which mean more cooking and more dirty dishes! That part I could do without, but it feels so good to put my focus on things other than missing people that are no longer physically with us. I always think about telling BJ something about what’s going on or what I am doing and I can imagine his response…that’s a good thing. Remembering our loved ones, that has died, in such positive and happy ways keeps their memory alive and keeps them in our hearts and that is a good thing.

I imagine BJ would love the canvas art I made all the kids and he would love his brother’s new home and the potential of filling it with projects…if he were still with us! He would think we have no food in our home because we are foregoing the “junk” which is what he loved! He would love that our cross-country trip and his death has resulted in my strong relationship with Kyle’s family.  He would love that I have introduced “Baby John” to the wonderful world of Legos and I would see a big smile on his face if he saw the adorable onesies for Lincoln. I have no doubt he would chuckle that I made Kyle and Allie things with Essential Oils…only to have them wonder what this “oil thing” is all about!! Yes, he would most definitely chuckle about that! It’s knowing someone so well when they are alive that you can imagine their presence, thoughts, and responses when they are gone.  That is keeping their spirit living within you and that is so helpful with processing the loss of their life. Every day is good, some days are better. If you are struggling with loss, search for your balance…find your distraction…learn your purpose. But whatever you do, keep living and keep their spirit living in you and imagine them, their presence, their thoughts, and their responses.

"Dear BJ"

For whatever reason this week I have reflected on what I still had in my heart to say to BJ. Even though I am perfectly content knowing that he knew how much I loved him, I still have things in my heart to say. I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling and I don’t just mean other parents that have lost a child, but anyone that has lost someone and others that lost BJ likely had things they would’ve said to him had they known.

Dear BJ,

I first wrote you a letter a year before you died. I poured out my heart to you. I wrote a letter to each of your brothers too...these are my “in case” letters. You never received yours because you died before me and in my mind that is “the unimaginable”. A child shouldn’t go before their parent; it’s not the natural course of life. A baby is born, he is raised, he loses his parents, then and only then, does he die. I don’t know why God wanted you first, but it broke my heart and it broke me. And…honestly, it doesn’t even matter why because I know that’s how this thing called life happens. But dang…it just does not make it any easier, because bottom line is…you died.

BJ, I saw you as a strong man that had already ventured through many peaks and valleys through his short lifetime. You were a thrill seeker, risk taker, and you never met a road or mountain you weren’t willing to master. If it was a mountain trail in front of you, your quad could handle it; if it was a mountain road in front of you, your Willie’s would stomp all over it; and if it were the open road in front of you, it was meant for a road trip. I saw you as a loving friend and family member. From the moment you settled in Prineville your doors were open to one and all. You said, “come on over for the weekend, come on up for a bonfire or barbeque”…but it was always come on over; which translated to “my door is always open.” If someone needed help you were willing if you were able. For someone born with a defective heart you surely had an enormous heart for “your family” …as everyone you loved was … “your family”.

I am sure I thought of you differently in the capacity of a big brother than either of your brothers did. I found you to be a wonderful big brother, while they both might describe you differently…there is a little thing called sibling rivalry or sibling squabbles. You and Bryan shared many wonderful times growing up, but you also had your share of road bumps along the way. He has a childhood full of memories with an awesome big brother that are his and his alone. It melts a mothers heart to know that either of you could and did put aside any squabbles to back the other up and have the others back and be there for one another in times of need. It was heartbreaking to know you weren’t there for him in this time of need because your death was the time of need. With Dillon it was different; you were already a young adult who had just come out of his midlife crisis; so we now know. No one thinks of a midlife crisis at 17 ½ but when you die at 35, the light kind of comes on and there is the “lightbulb moment”. Your relationship with Dillon grew over time and he was most grateful for the time and love you gave him when his own father died. He knew you were there for him unconditionally, making your loss that much more difficult for his young heart.

You always loved and played with the young ones; you loved kids! Right up to the end you were wrestling with, playing soccer with, playing at the park with…the kids. I think of you like me in that respect. I have heard a lot of people and their kids refer to you as “Uncle BJ” and for the majority of my life all the kids around me call me “Aunty Peggy”. It’s an honor when people think of you that way and I know you were honored to be “uncle” to so many young ones. Your death was devastating for so many; old and young alike, but the impact it has had on Bryan’s kids and the immediate heartache they felt was so difficult and again my heart broke for Bryan who I know felt he had to be strong for his kids and really everyone around him.

When you died, the day I found out, and the weekend that followed were the most difficult days I’ve ever had to get through. I don’t think there is any pain that compares to the pain of losing a child. It feels like your heart is ripped from your chest and you can almost visualize it in your hand; just sitting there, not knowing what to do next. You go through more emotions than you ever knew you had and all at one time. You want to scream, you want to cry, you want to pee (yes pee!), you’re hot, you’re cold, and you fill all of this (plus some) at one time! Your body feels like it is in extreme dysfunction and you feel this super human coming out of you screaming in horror at the knowledge – your child just died. You had no warning. You didn’t get to say goodbye. You didn’t get to hold them in your arms; instead they laid on the cold, wet ground pinned beneath a huge piece of metal that they were once sitting in, driving down that cold, wet road. Those were just the first few minutes after the moment I found out you were gone.

In the hours and days following and I was trying to cope with this awful news and wrap my head around the idea that I now had to plan your farewell; something a parent should never have to do…the messages came pouring in, the phone kept ringing, and family were filing in one by one. I was in amazement to the realization of how many lives you had touched. All the kind words, all the heartfelt love, and all the sincere condolences; many from people I had not yet met. How could that be? How did you have so many people in your life that I had not met? We talked a lot, you shared so much with me, and yet you had friends that I hadn’t met. And, the people that came to your celebration; so many people I had not seen in years; saddened by your sudden death and people holding on to their loved ones as if it could be there last day. BJ, that really is the moral to the end of your story…live today as if it is your last, show your love as if you may not get another chance, and cherish each breath you take until you do not have any more. Oh son, I love you so.

But BJ, most importantly, I “see” you as my son. The little baby born to me on May 16^th, my firstborn that made me a mom for the first time, and whom I learnt the meaning of unconditional love from. The little boy that was anxious to help, the preteen that fought with, played with, and raced motorbikes with his baby brother. The young teen that I constantly battled with because our personalities were alike in many ways. The older teen that navigated his way into adulthood attempting, and sometimes failing, to learn the parameters of the law. Lastly, the young man that, through time, overcame the consequences of bad decision making and settled his adult life in Central Oregon becoming a father…most definitely, your self-proclaimed, greatest accomplishment in life. My son, my flesh and blood, my firstborn, and my son in Heaven, I will continue on and I will love you forever and in the blink of an eye we will be together again.

Lovingly and tearfully forever,

Mom xo💕xo💕xo

Through My Mothers Eyes

Since completing six canvas word art projects; “Through My Grandma’s Eyes”, one for each of my grandkids, every time I think about BJ my thoughts end up…”Through My Mother’s Eyes”. And, even though I have not done a canvas for my sons…yet, I have had many reflections of what my words to them would be. A couple of years ago, when I was preparing to have a pretty routine surgery but also knowing how unexpected things happen and how quickly our lives can change I decided to write a letter to each of my sons. You know…in case they had the unexpected outcome from my surgery. Well, clearly I am here, they never received their letters, and BJ went before me. Even though he never read my last thoughts to him, he knew without a doubt how much he meant to me and how much he was loved. Those letters get updated periodically and sit in my safe…just in case.

“Through My Grandma’s Eyes” is my way of sharing my love to my grandkids with words…words that describe how I see them and not necessarily how anyone else sees them. It is a keepsake, handmade with lots of love, that I pray they will treasure forever. ”Through My Mother’s Eyes” as I see BJ: Strong, Loving, Big Brother, Infectious Personality, Smiles, Helpful, Friend, #1 Son, Sneaky, Big Hugs, Bacon, Beer, Bonfires...the list goes on. I still see him that way. When I see him in my mind it’s always with that big infectious smile and once in a while with that one-of-a-kind grin! 

It’s hard to know he’s not here and yet feel his presence so intensely.  There’s days when I see him so clearly and then I just can’t believe he’s gone and that I’ll never see him like I used to. Bryan will never have his big brother to call or talk to. Willy will never have his uncle to throw him up in the air or chase around the yard. Dillon will never have BJ to play video games with or to call him “Wolverine” to let him know it’s past time to trim his nails. Cheyenne will never have her daddy to snuggle with, play at the park with, kiss her good night, or walk her down the aisle one day. It’s all those things that to some may seem small, but to us is huge and still unimaginable. This is grief, a journey that no one desires to take and yet is forced on this path as if you’ve been abducted from life as you knew it.