I’m the mom of three boys; two on Earth and one in Heaven. One of the most difficult questions I have had to answer over the past 5+ years is, “How many kids do you have?” or “Do you have kids?” and then, “How many?” You see, for me, the answer would never be two. I have three children. But, when I answer “three” and I am among friends that “know”, I get the look like, “did she just say that?” or “how difficult it must be for her to answer.” The answer is yes. Yes, I did just say that. Yes, it is difficult to answer. But the hardest of all questions is, “How old are your kids.” There is no other answer than, “17 almost 18, 37, and my oldest would be 40, but he’s been gone for just over five years.” If I simply answered “17, 37, and 40” I feel like I am lying or misleading and I just cannot do that. My son died. But he IS always my son, not “was” my son. I know this might be hard to understand, especially if you have not lost a child. But for those of us who have, you do understand.
For those that sometimes wonder and to those of you who ask…yes,
I am doing fine. I am living life. That in no way means that I do not miss my
son, because I miss him every single day. I just know that I must “live” not
simply “be”, not just go through the motions of life. I have not fulfilled my
purpose on Earth, he did.
Our hearts ache and the tears still flow. The holidays are
joyful and sad. Today as I was driving back from the store, I imagined BJ
coming to Portland today and that we would all go to Bryan’s for our family Christmas
tomorrow. It would be happy, chaotic, and everything Christmas is meant to be.
BJ would love Bryan’s home in the country, he would love playing with the kids,
he would talk his big talk and tell his unending stories and I’d enjoy every
minute seeing my family together. Reality is, he is not here, the grands are
getting older, and we will still enjoy our family Christmas. We will miss his
presence and we will feel that piece of our family that is only with us in
spirit, but we will enjoy the day, the memories, and the chaos.
BJ, I miss you so terribly, and as these tears fall, my
heart aches and I still lose my breath trying to hold back the tears as I write
this. I know you are at peace. I know you watch over all of us. I know you are awaiting
each of us to join you. We will one day…in the blink of an eye. Merry Christmas
in Heaven, son. Love, your mama
