No Regrets

Well, we are closing out another year here on Earth. I don’t imagine time means much in Heaven. It’s hard to move into another year when I have lost a loved one in every year for the past four years.  And, on the other hand the excitement of a New Year is refreshing.  We just pray not to lose another this year, but as I get older it seems inevitable.

On the bright side; we all managed to make it through the holidays. As long as I could keep myself from going too deep in thoughts, I could manage to enjoy the time without too many tears or breakdowns. Spending the time with family definitely helps and keeping busy with things to do is a good distraction. It’s still so hard to imagine that BJ is gone. I still feel the warmth of his smile when I see him in my mind and when that smile turns to his one-of-a-kind grin, I grin too. I think of how hard it is for us and yet how peaceful it must be for him. I think about all the ways we miss him; in our thoughts and throughout our days and yet I know he is with us, smiling at us, protecting us, and maybe even up to his usual shenanigans with others! It’s still so hard to imagine I will never have him show up at the door, give me a jingle on the phone, or hear, “love you, mom.” I have always said, “If I die tomorrow, there is no doubt my family will know how much they mean to me and how much I love them.” The one thing I can take away from this tragedy is my son knew how much he was loved and I know how much he loved us; so for that there are no regrets.

This is where I say, “If you have relationships that need repaired or words that need to be said, there is no time like today because tomorrow may not come.” Don’t be someone that will have regrets or leave regrets in the end. The best gift you can give someone is the gift of forgiveness and it’s the least expensive and most rewarding.

For those that have lost a loved one in 2017 or over the holidays, I hope you find peace and comfort during your grieving journey. For those that have not experienced personal grief, please keep supporting those that have. You might be the light they need in a dark moment or the voice they need to hear in a lonely moment.  I pray for a healthy and happy 2018 for each of you. Until next year; from our family to yours…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas, Son

Merry Christmas, Son. It’s not the same without you here; hearts hurt and tears fall. Today was my first time at your cross with your daughter. After five wonderful days of having her with our family, I had to take her home…she was sad to leave us, but happy to see her mom again; just the way it should be. We took a holiday plant and a balloon picked out special by Cheyenne to your cross. It was the first time your baby brother had been to your accident site and I could tell it was harder than he let on. Your sweet friends had already been there and put up a Christmas tree; complete with ornaments of plastic toy construction equipment, empty bullet shells (including a few “silver bullets”), and Christmas balls. We picked up the windblown ones from the ground and placed them back on the tree. One of your friends even stopped as they were driving by to give us hugs. It was a bittersweet visit there and Cheyenne handles it so well and she said she kisses your picture every time she goes there. As we walked away, it took everything I had not to burst into tears but I could feel them falling inside of me. We miss you so much, son and Dillon said it best, and “our family feels broken.” With you and his dad in Heaven, and Bryan’s kids being separated, it’s just not the same and in many ways it leaves an eerie feeling in us. We are all grieving in one way or another.

 

This was such a joyful week with your little girl. We made Christmas cookies, had a little Christmas Party with some of your “west side of the mountain” friends, and sang Christmas Carols around your Forever Christmas Tree. We spent a night at your brothers so Chey could see her papa, uncle, and cousins and so we could celebrate Christmas with her. She had such a great time!!! Willy and Addy came home with us to spend a night and on our last day together we made Bath and Shower Bombs! We got in lots of snuggles, giggles, and made more special memories together.

 

Tis The Season

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 

Let’s face it; some of you are not feeling “jolly” which means happy and cheerful. Last year I certainly did not. I had recently lost my son and some days were down right unbearable. This year I am doing better, but some are not. Some people are experiencing their first Christmas without their child, spouse, uncle, auntie, etc. My heart breaks for them; because I know that pain. The pain of one less person to celebrate with, one less person at your table, one less gift to purchase, one less person period. It is an awful feeling, it is all consuming, and it takes everything you have to make it through one moment of one day. Every little thing reminds you in some way of that person that is no longer by your side, at the other end of the phone, or hugging you upon their arrival from across the mountain. You will sit and stare into space with thoughts of them filling your head and heart while tears are dripping down your face and you have a hollow feeling that moves to your throat as you try to catch your breath and just get through that moment. That moment, that one little moment; not even the day you still need to get through. I still have those moments, but they come less often, and they hurt a little less. Now my moments have shifted to a place of peaceful memories, loving thoughts, still tears that fall, but the lump in my throat isn’t there as often. The tears can still be uncontrollable and extremely painful, but the vision of BJ’s face and his infectious smile more often consume me than the heartache of his nonphysical self being present by our side or at our table. Instead of gifts purchased for him once or twice a year; I dedicate one or two days to him every single week; Tuesday and Forget YOU Not Friday. My gift is his memory and it carries on through his dad and me, his brothers, his nieces and nephews, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, his friends, and his single most precious gift he gave the world…his beautiful and spunky little girl – Cheyenne Leilani.  It’s impossible to look at his family and not see him; his smile, his “nose”, his humor, his personality…him, he’s all around us.

BJ the Dancing Tree

Oh, yes he would!

For A Better Day

Sometimes, it's the little things that are keeping us from the blessing - a little bitterness, a little compromise. It’s time to get rid of the little things. Joel Olsteen

Truth be told, this past Sunday is the first Sunday I have made it through a church service without crying since BJ died. In fact, I haven’t been inside the church nearly enough this last year and can count the times on one, maybe two hands. Sometimes it’s easier to attend from the sofa, in my jammies, with a cup of coffee in hand. Sometimes it was easier to get up from the sermon when I felt myself getting emotional, instead of letting the tears flow. I can do that in my own home. Watching Church is easy. “Doing” Church has been the challenge. And, sometimes it’s easier to wake up late, feel achy, have other things to do than it is to “do” Church. I won’t lie; I prayed for God to help me make it through the day without tears. Prayers answered, blessing received.

The little thing keeping me from my blessing – grief. Which really isn’t a little thing at all, but it was enough to keep me from “doing” Church which in turn keeps me from my blessing. The blessing of unity, love, peace, giving, and receiving…receiving God’s love, peace, and word…receiving love from others. I want to be blessed which means I need to quit standing in my own way so that I can receive all of my blessings rather than just some of them. Even though I can’t “get rid of” the little thing; in my case…grief, I can walk through it with God’s guidance, help, and love.

I often get asked two questions: 1. How are you doing? 2. Where do you find your strength? Sometimes the later comes as a statement rather than a question: You are a strong woman. 

How am I doing? I'm doing better. I still do life one day at a time, one thought at a time, and one memory at a time. I still focus on "what's next"; meaning what is the next thing on my calendar? What do I have coming up in the next couple of weeks? My business life I have to plan many months in advance because event planning takes months to execute. My personal life I plan the here and now, so totally the opposite and right now that is where I am finding my balance. Every day is good, some days are better.

Art by Dillon

Where do I find my strength? My immediate answer is God, without a doubt. My more in depth response is my understanding of the cycle of life and knowing where my son is, where my parents are, where Dillon's dad is; where those that have gone first are. And also knowing we will be together again someday. My heart breaks every time I think of BJ and that he is no longer on earth with us, but there is a ray of sunshine that lives in my heart; his place in my heart and that will never diminish. He would not want us sad in our life because he was denied a longer earthly life. He also knew we were only here until we weren't and that kept him living in the moment…fearless…"living the dream", as we would often hear him say; sometimes with sarcasm.  As I walk in grief, alongside my thirteen year old son, I am amazed by his strength as well. Within two short years, he lost his dad and his big brother. Dillon has a deep understanding of life, where they are now, and he will be with them again one day. And, I honestly think his deep rooted relationship with Jesus is what has given him strength. Together we walk this journey together. Together we have memories of wonderful people who are now are angels. Together we have knowledge of one day being reunited. God is good!

Christmas Traditions

I love Christmas! BJ and Bryan always enjoyed the Christmas Magic mom created in our home this time of year. The lighted village in the fireplace, the designer Victorian tree or the flocked tree with all purple decorations, the throw pillows covered in Christmas fabric, the many different flavors of baked goodies…but, their favorite thing by far was their dad bringing home a heaping pickup load of fresh snow from the mountain so they could have a “White Christmas”. We had a huge fir tree in the middle of our front yard and every year it donned bright lights from the tip top to the bottom and a big bright star at the top. Our little family of four would decorate the outdoors, from the BIG tree to each bush, the eaves, and each window; usually on the Saturday after Thanksgiving…rain or shine! And, most of the time it was dark when we were finished. Mom snuck in early to warm up and make hot cocoa for her little elves…and the BIG elf too! As important as decorating was on those days it was equally as important to warm the decorating crew from the inside out immediately after their task was complete. We would sit on the sofa and enjoy the fruits of our labor, while enjoying the yummy hot cocoa! The boys knew it was only a matter of time until there would be snow under that tree and we would have a white Christmas.

I’m thankful that in the midst of my loss, I can sit in my office looking out my window at BJ’s Forever Christmas Tree and so vividly remember the days of their youth and how this time of year was special for our family. The Christmas Spirit that Bill and I provided them carried with them as adults. As a parent it is magical to watch your kids perform their own grandeurs of Christmas; whether it is stories of going to the woods for a fresh cut tree or carrying on the tradition of getting each of their kids a new and personal ornament to hang on the tree each year. It warms a parent’s heart to know that you DID make a difference in their childhood, you did instill ethics and morals, you did provide them with traditions they will continue to carry on to their children.

2017 Ornaments

For us, BJ’s time was cut short and he doesn’t get the time to carry on traditions with his daughter. And truth be told, she may forget much about her dad by the time she reaches her mid-teens. I don’t mean to hurt anyone by saying that, but family…friends, it is the truth. Cheyenne will forget many things, but she will never forget her daddy and how much he loved her or how much she loves him.  Carrie as her mom, me as her grandma, and Bryan as her uncle must be the ones that continue to keep his memory with her. She will want that and she will need that. One day, as a young adult, she will look back and say, “I lost my dad when I was only six years old, but I still knew him growing up because he lived in my heart.” Ok, maybe not those exact words! J  The point is…it is up to the living to keep the memory alive of those that have gone before us and the children need us to do that; it is our duty.

This year, I will finally finish BJ’s stocking and it will hang with the rest of the family stockings. I feel sad that I did not get it done while he was alive, but he would say, “Mom, it’s just a stocking!”  Bryan, on the other hand, is still patiently waiting for his childhood scrapbook!

2016: New Ornament for BJ

His beloved '56 Willies Pickup

I am thankful that I feel Christmas Magic in my season again this year. I look forward to having Cheyenne visit for a few days. I have lots of plans!!! Cookie baking, gift wrapping, parties, and Christmas lights…oh my!

If this is your first Christmas without your loved one my advice is to do only what you want to do. It is a difficult time. Your heart is aching and your brain is trying to come to terms with what has happened. You may not feel like putting up a tree or even recognizing the season, but don’t forget the reason for the season; Christ’s Birthday. Give it to God and let him provide peace and healing.

On the other hand, you may want to be surrounded by family and friends, you may want to put up a tree, you may want to enjoy the hustle and bustle of the mall. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve; there is just grief and you. Handle each day as you can and remember to get up and get dressed.

Where I am, How I Got Here, Where I Want to Be

BJ would be proud of me. I sit at my desk, looking out the window, and staring at his Forever Christmas Tree. I feel hopeful that I can get my derailed train back on track. With life comes the joy of a bright future, devastation after the loss of a loved one (or many loved ones), and the “silver years”. I had my first visit with my new Wellness Coach this morning. We discussed where I am in life, how I got here, and where I want to be.

Where I am in life is simple: I am stuck! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not stuck in a place without movement or a place without growth. I have plenty of that; sometimes more “growth” than I would like (referencing weight here people!). I have felt off track for a while now; not just since losing BJ but since I lost myself in Fibromyalgia several years ago. All I wanted was the “old Peggy” back and when I was healed I felt like myself again and yet different. Life’s obstacles have a way of changing us; not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and socially too! I feel stuck because I know what I need to do and what I want to do, but they are not aligning with what I am doing. I have the desire, but not the ambition or energy. Most days I feel accomplished if I just get up, get dressed, get Dillon to school, and work…do my daily things. But in my mind, that is not enough for me. I want to devote time to my wellness: a better diet, get up and move more, get out of the house more, make the phone calls to people I want to check in on (instead of just think about them), and be healthy. My family needs me, they need me healthy, and they need me alive…literally! This is where I am in life.

How I got here might not be as simple. It took years of hard work and years of putting others first and ignoring me and my needs. And, it has taken years of loss…much loss and I need to recognize that as a whole not individualized. What does that look like? Well, in 1998 my 18 year marriage began to crumble around me. We were high school sweethearts, best friends, and did our best parenting together. Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to disconnect from each other. One person might be already emotionally checked out of the marriage whilst the other is hanging on for dear life. The one hanging on usually needs to find their own way to disconnect before they fully separate emotionally from the other. And then…begins the actual divorce, the paperwork, the proceedings, the money…yes, it costs money! Money you may not have, but yet this is happening so you have to pull yourself together emotionally so you can get yourself together financially. As the divorce was ensuing, BJ was a young man and with that came obstacles of his own. He made some poor life choices that landed him for a brief stay in “The State Hotel” for a few months. For him it was eye opening, scary, and life changing. For me it was heartbreaking, emotional, and scary. Our family never left his side. We visited him, I had many phone calls with him, I encouraged him…we never left his side. My reward was hearing him say, “You are my rock, mom. Thank you.”  We laid my mother to rest in 2002, I became a single parent at 41 years old in 2004, we laid my father to rest in 2006, I began my 5-year debilitating battle with Fibromyalgia in 2006, I helped one of my older boys through a divorce of his own in 2012-2013, we lost Dillon’s father in 2014, we lost Uncle Jack in 2015, we lost BJ in 2016, and we lost my oldest brother in 2017. That is how I got here.

Where I want to be is simple and yet complicated at the same time. I know where I want to be, how I want to be, and even know what I need to do. My being is broken and that is the obstacle. It’s not just my heart that is broken. My spirit is broken. I am broken emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically. It’s hard to put me back together because I know that I am different than I once was and I have a tendency to help others before I help myself.  I want to be healthy and for me that means: emotionally ready to continue through this journey of grief, mentally prepared to not give up on myself  or my desires, physically ready to do the work I desire to do to eat with more wholesomeness and get up and move around more. I have all these wonderfully creative ideas and crafts I want to do; I buy the supplies and they often sit aside undone. I desire to change that. I desire to get out of the house more and be more social. I desire to be healthy. This is where I want to be.

About forty minutes into my wellness session, when I was finished telling her all of the above about me, she looked at me and she understood why I was in her office. It wasn’t to be fixed or be told what to do. She asked me if she could write me a prescription, have me come back, and hold me accountable during this process. She was almost giddy as she wrote my prescription; she said it is one of her favorite parts of the appointment because it means we have set some goals in a short amount of time. My prescription can’t be filled at the pharmacy; it will hang on my message board. It reads: Eat more wholesome foods, use your Fitbit - get up every hour, and walk 5,000 steps a day. These are goals we agreed together…after she smiled and told me, “I see a woman with great strength and a peaceful glow sitting in front of me. You have been through years of loss and are doing great through it all. You inspire me.” I honestly didn’t see that coming, but I know BJ would be proud of me, where I am, and where I want to be.

If you are in a similar place; for any reason at all, reach out to someone, write down your feelings, don't give up. She also told me that one of the best things a person can do for themselves is to write down there feelings; it is very therapeutic and I can testify to that. This blog is my corner of loss, a place to release my feelings (good and bad) without judgement, and a place for others to feel hope, love, and that they are not alone. Today is December 1, 2017; the first day of the final month of the year. In a few short weeks we will start a fresh new year and we will log another year of memories for future reference.