Live Like BJ

BJ must know it’s #ForgetYOUnotFriday because our day started with the roar of a white cab / black flatbed pickup passing by as we were turning out to the main street. It made so much noise, Dillon looked up while saying, “wow!” I smiled knowing it was a little reminder he’s not far away. BJ did like to make noise in his truck and loved it when he found a part of the road that would echo the sound. 

Not too long ago, Dillon and I were reminiscing about BJ, his truck, and the noise he had fun with; specifically, the many opportunities he found on our cross-country trip to “make noise”. One time that first jumped in both our thoughts was when we were in Charleston, SC. I had rented a car, so Dillon and I could do some road tripping while BJ spent some time with his friends without us there. We both planned to go over to Charleston and Savannah, GA on the same days and Cheyenne wanted to ride with Grandma in the rental car; mostly because it was different and a new to us ride! We decided to meet up in Charleston and hit the beaches together. As we were trying to find parking in Charleston we could hear BJ driving nearby on the cobblestone narrow streets amongst the tall buildings. Oh boy was he having fun with that!!! I was texting him telling him to “cool his jets” so he didn’t get a ticket; there were many cops around the area. As everyone that knows my son, knows he doesn’t listen; especially to mom! LOL When we finally met up and both parked, his little girl gave her daddy an ear full about how “loud” he was. In usual BJ style, he just gave her his infamous grin and said, “ok baby girl”; having no intention to stop making noise! 

Photo credit: Tanner Pumala

It is a “better” day when I am reminded that he is near by the sight and sound of a similar vehicle to his. It is a “better” day when I am drawn to memories that will comfort me through my grief. It is a “better” day to know that he lived his life on his terms and was one of the most happy-go-lucky “not a care in the world” kind of people in my life. It is a "better" day to hear of the many lives he touched. It is a “better” day to know he was my son and loved me back as much as I loved him. Today is a “better” day!

The Cherry on Top

After we lose a loved one, some of the most difficult days to get through are the holidays; holidays they loved, holidays we love, and family holidays. But for me the most difficult day of the year is Mother’s Day followed a few days later by his birthday. No one ever thinks they will lose their child, let alone can begin to imagine the loss that consumes your existence. Eventually we learn to manage our way without them, but life is never as it once was. There is a sadness that resides inside your being and regardless of the desire to overcome it, sometimes it feels like you are hostage to it. Most of the time I can keep a stiff upper lip, a positive attitude, and hope of happier days ahead. 

When you are filled with grief, you hurt and sometimes that hurt is overwhelming. Grief makes you more susceptible to heartache, physical pain, and ailments you might otherwise be able to overcome more easily. You’ve heard of the “kick me when I’m down” saying, right? That’s how it feels sometimes. For nearly a year I have been dealing with shoulder pain that has escalated week by week and month by month. Just recently, I feel like the doctors are figuring it out. The first response, 10 months ago, was, “You pulled muscles back here,” as he pointed to my shoulder blade. “You need to go in and get some massages or you will end up with Fibromyalgia again.” Seriously, that’s your answer? No range of motion tests, no physical tests, no nothing…just listened to the onset and what was going on and told me to go get some massages. Well, most everything helps…temporarily! 

By early January the pain had escalated, increased, and moved further down the arm and become more intense than before. I went back to the doctor and insisted on some tests because this isn’t normal by any stretch of the imagination. This time my appointment was with my primary care and I have refused to see anyone else in the office. I have since had x-rays, followed by 5 weeks of not only unsuccessful Physical Therapy, but it made the condition worse. The therapist suggested I see my doctor again and insist on an MRI to find out what the actual injury is. I did just that. From my visit in February the doctor suspected a Rotator Cuff Tear, but the MRI showed five other things instead. The point of this is not “poor, woe is me” but to say that I have been in horrible pain which causes stress and exaggerates feelings; which when combined with grief leaves you feeling like nothing; hollow, sorrowful, exhausted, and wondering why I must go through this on top of loss. Why isn’t it enough just to go through grief? Why does God know I can handle more than I think I can? When will I feel like living again…every day, not just “some” days?

I know there are others out there that know exactly what I am talking about. You feel like you are emotionally drained, dealing with more than you ever expected to, hurting because you miss someone, and on top of that…likely have experienced some type of physical pain as the “cherry on top.” Stay strong, there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel, count your blessings, but most of all…don’t give up! God’s got this for you! Surrender and let Him carry you through this journey of your life. You are not alone.

37 in Heaven: Happy Birthday Son

Today on earth you would be thirty-seven

You are not here with us, you are in Heaven

I never imagined it would be this way

It’s so very painful every day

I still feel you near and I still see your smile

I want to go back and hug you a while

I may never know why God took you first

But I know that day was one of my worst

I am grateful for the memories you left with me

As good as they are I wish I could see

God’s plan before it is here

So I know ahead when I will lose someone dear

I know that isn’t how life typically works

But what I wouldn’t give to see one of your smirks

I wish I could give you a hug instead of a poem

But my blessing is…now you know Him

Still I cry because I miss you my #1

Have a Happy Birthday with the Heavenly Son

As for me, I will continue to honor you however I can

Because I know one day we will be together again

That day will be for all eternity

The Heavenly Father, me, and my family

Only your mama would make you this one of a kind cake!

Love you forever and always!

(As tears uncontrollably flow)

Mother's Day and Granny Pods

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and I can feel myself getting emotional at the drop of a hat. I suppose it is completely natural in the course of grief when losing a child. That compounded with BJ’s birthday following a few days later, makes for an emotionally tough week, but so far...better than last year.

When we are young mom’s our attention is usually centered around our children, around our family. As an older mom, my attention is centered around my children, around my grandchildren, around my family; so really that hasn’t changed…not for me, anyway. As our children grow up and become adults they start making their own way through life and sometimes even start having families of their own. And then, the dreaded move further away. It was tough when BJ and Carrie decided to move to Central Oregon. I thought I would see them less and they wouldn’t just pop in as if they were 20 minutes away instead of 3 hours. That really wasn’t the case; I was their “home away from home” and I always gave BJ a key to my house. So, even if they were only there to sleep while visiting other family and friends I at least got them overnight.

Now, Bryan has moved from 6 minutes away to 70 minutes away and that is an adjustment. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem showing up on their doorstep, but I have to allot the time to do that and if they aren’t home, then what? I guess it will be, “I was here, but now I’m gone. I left this note to turn you on.” Anyone remember that saying from “back in the day”. Of course that would be a little odd to leave on my son’s door! LOL I guess I could change it to, “I was here, but now I’m gone. I left this note. Love you, Mom.” Much more appropriate…JS! Dillon was really concerned when Bryan moved because he thought we’d hardly ever see them, but Willy makes sure that is not the case. At least once a month I get a phone call from grandma’s little man asking if he can have a sleepover. I only said, “no” one time and that was the weekend prior to a travel week. He also told me he likes to come to my house because I have working Internet! Out of the mouths; lol. I haven’t really determined if we see them less, but I know I miss them more. I think it’s knowing they are no longer right down the street (so to speak).

So, as Mother’s Day approaches…I miss my mom because she is in Heaven, I miss BJ because he is in Heaven, and I miss Bryan because he moved further away. I’m ecstatic for his new life adventure and his new home, so I guess the resolve is 3 Granny Pods and 1 Mom Wine Shack on his property. Heck, I won’t even need a car then. Dillon, what about Dillon? Well I guess it is 3 Granny Pods, 1 Mom Wine Shack, and 1 Little Bro Man Cave. Sure glad Bryan bought a few acres!

If you are a child missing your mom in Heaven or a mom missing your child in Heaven this Mother’s Day, find joy where ever you can. Whether it is memories of past Mother Day’s or the thought of descending your retirement days on a loved one’s acreage with multiple “pods” of your choosing, find some joy this weekend and know that you are not alone, you will get through this, and nothing is too big for our God; especially your journey of grief. God’s got you! Blessings and Happy Mother’s Day to all moms; on earth and in Heaven!

So, This is Grief...

Written, Thursday, May 3, 2018
Today is not a “better” day. My heart hurts and I find myself crying nonstop at the pain of missing you. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I miss you so much that I just hurt and cry and hurt and cry. Yesterday was such a positive and uplifting day filled with joy and friendships.

Today as I am backing up one laptop preparing for my new laptop, I decided I would FINALLY go outside and take the “Christmas” off of your tree. It’s amazing how much new growth it has had this spring. It’s a bittersweet task; I love the tree and the memorial to you, but I hate it because it’s “your tree” and a memorial to you. I don’t want memorials…I want you back!!! I come back inside and on the backup of my laptop up pops your memorial video “You Should Be Here” and of course I push the button to play it; I haven’t done that in a while. I can’t even get all the way through it without the floodgates of my eyes opening up. I see you so happy, with friends, with your dad, with me, with your brothers, and with your precious baby girl…and my heart breaks all over again and I can’t stop crying and asking why? Why did you have to die? I want you back so badly it hurts.

I have sitting on the table next to me the beautiful necklace urn I had made for me, so I will have you with me…everywhere and always. And then I hate the thought of knowing you are gone and all I have are my precious memories and every single one is precious. Today, I just hurt. This is grief; at its rawest and most painful form.