Triggers

There is nothing much better than time spent with family. After death, everything and everyone become much more precious. I have spent the past few days with my granddaughter, BJ's daughter. She brings us so much joy. It has been over ten months since I lost my son…and since she lost her daddy. I can't even tell you the dynamics of losing an adult child, let alone losing one that has a child of their own. It is heartbreaking for me, but not near the heartache I feel for her. We don't talk about it. We don't ignore it. We just keep that person in our everyday life and understand that there are many things that remind us of them. Cheyenne is no different; she notices pictures of her dad or things that remind her of him. She comments and continues about her day. All in all, we try to keep her visits normal and do things we've always done...shopping, movies, swimming, and art...we love art and being creative!

Fun times with the Princess of Prineville!

Uncle Dillon helped her make a piece of art.

Grandma only spoiled her "a little". :)

After going through this with my youngest son, I believe that a child going through grief should be able to steer their own journey and they will. They will talk about their lost one or they won't. My son had a tendency to keep it bottled up until the moment when we were in the middle of a disagreement and then he would let loose. At times I even wondered if he used that moment to make me feel bad. But I soon realized that these times were simply "triggers". It was in those moments he couldn't keep his grief contained any longer. He wasn't trying to make me feel bad or get "his way" in a disagreement. He just merely couldn't contain the pain any longer and our disagreement and the pain of us not getting along "triggered" the anxiety of his loss and he basically "let loose". And I let him. They are children. They don't understand what they are feeling and they don't know how to talk about it like adults do. They don't need us to "fix it". They just need us to let them express their feelings as they are happening. As parents, or even as grandparents, we want to "fix" whatever we can for our littles. We want them happy and when they aren't we hurt for them. It is our nurturing nature to want to take their pain away, but grief is one pain we can't take away. Just like adults, they will find their way.  In the meantime, love them, hold them, pray for them, and let them know they are not alone.

Taking Care of Business

Friday morning; hot coffee, sunshine, windows open, the sound of neighbors doing yardwork in the background. Finally, some peace in this week. If only for a little while, I get to enjoy some time to listen to the birds chirping, leaves blowing in the wind, and yes…lawn mowers and leaf blowers. The week started with Willy's 8th Birthday party and surrounded by my lovely little family. Monday roared in with the anticipation of the much commercialized Total Solar Eclipse…which had me wondering how and what BJ would think of it as he lived in Prineville…Ground Zero (so to speak) for Oregon. Would he have hated all the traffic taking over their otherwise quiet community? Surely…he did not like traffic and certainly not in Prineville! Ahhh, but the flipside to that is…he did like people…but not too many…but he was a friendly sole. I imagine him strolling into the market to pick up some beer and head home away from the people and yet at the same time have conversations with strangers as he was in the store. Finding out where they were from, how long they were here, and possibly even mentioning he thought they were crazy! LOL  But…on the flipside…that boy of mine had a mind that wouldn't stop, a mind that was quick and clever, a mind that would figure out the best way for him to deal with the situation. I even began to imagine that if he and Carrie were still married, still lived together near the reservoir…he would have tried to talk her into renting out campsites to strangers. Not only for the mighty dollar, (maybe mostly that! 😉) but to meet people from all over and have their own Eclipse Party.  But more to his nature…and Carrie's too…they would've invited all their friends and family up for the weekend…or week…to have a real down home party campout with a sight of the Eclipse! But the reality is…they would have been divorced by now, he isn't on earth, and so life goes on.

Things quieted down on Tuesday; I was preparing for a small routine and necessary over the age of 50, procedure on Thursday. My diet was being predicted by the procedure, but all in all a quiet work week. By Thursday night the storm had rolled through and here I sat, having another emotional meltdown. Grief has been no stranger in my life the past three years; I have lost four loved ones and am at the risk every single day of losing more. We all are, we just don't realize it or think about it and that really is best.

When Rich died, things became real. I realized I am now not only a single parent…I am the only parent. I have no choice but to do this right. There are no second chances in parenting and there are no second chances in how you live your life. Make no mistake…we all have second chances at doing things and we can give others a second chance…but we do not get a second chance at living our life as a whole. Rich helped build Dillon's foundation, but it is up to me to construct him into adulthood. It is up to me to make the best decisions for his well-being, for his life, and to know that I am making decisions that are pleasing to God and to his dad. That is not always easy and it does not always keep a harmonious home. I make the decisions that I know, as a teenager, he may not like, but I make them for him. Losing his dad and knowing I am it; I am all he has now also made me realize that I needed to put in place a plan if that unthinkable thing happened to me and my son was left an orphan.  That, my friends, is one of the most unbearable thoughts I have faced. I can never tell my child, "It will be ok. I am not going anywhere."  I cannot promise that to him. I can promise that I will do my best to make sure his future is handled should that happen. And we have learned to pray that it is God's will to keep me on earth at least until he is an adult. That, is something I can do…I can pray that and I do.  Have you set up your plan if the "what if" happens to you or your family? Do you have a Will? Do you have guardianship in place? Do you have backup guardianship in place? Do you have Life Insurance? These are all very minor things that make a major difference. Don't wait because you are not promised tomorrow.

These past couple of weeks I was reminded of just how many places BJ was in my life, my future plans, my "what if something happens to me". Of course when he died, I updated my Will and my Life Insurance; but Heaven forbid I did not even think of some of the other things…the POD. (Payable on Death) on my bank account, the ICE (In Case of Emergency) with my doctor or on hospital records, or how about my Advanced Directive? Nope…none of those things did I think of!

I was having a lovely time in the beautiful and quaint community of Ashland last week, when I was going to do something I had not done before…"mobile" deposit a check into my bank account through my app. Well, it told me that my account was "not eligible for mobile deposit"! What!?  Why not? I tried it twice or three times, I really don't remember now…but believe you me, I got on the phone to find out why!  Well, after a somewhat lengthy conversation and a few "hold times" it was discovered that the bank branch in Prineville had put a hold on that part of my account because William McCormick Jr. was listed as one POD and is now deceased. Are you kidding me? How could this be? He was not a signer, was not on the account, and was only listed if something happened to me.  I still have no idea how or why they put a hold on my account (for mobile deposit) because my son was gone. BTW: I was able to do everything else with my account. Regardless…the hold is removed and one more place I never even thought about my updating.  Later that day, as I was still enjoying time with my sister, another phone call ensued…to update my medical information for the upcoming procedure. All was going fine…until…they started reading off my ICE…Bryan, William, Linda. I guess that was just too much for me that day. I hung up the phone and just couldn't hold back the tears any longer. How many places do I have BJ listed? How can this be…ten months and still so painful? As I lay in the hospital yesterday, waiting for the procedure, and once again going over records…there it was…one more place…the Advanced Directive. 

It's all of these things that we don't think about. Please…think about them! If you have lost someone, think about all these things. Change or update while you feel composed so they are not the little surprise they might be. If you have not lost someone and you have not set your plan…do so; please…for your family. They will be grieving and they will need to know that you cared enough to take care of them while you were with them for when you no longer are.

So, as I sit here on this beautiful sunny morning in Oregon, sipping my coffee…I am once again in a peaceful place. I am looking forward to adventuring out this weekend with Dillon. I am anticipating spending some time with my beautiful and spunky granddaughter over the next several days.  Even though you are gone BJ, and missed terribly…we are learning to live life without you; one tear at a time.

Soccer, Nerf Wars…Everyday Reminders

Written Aug. 20, 2017

So today we have Willy's birthday party and it's a Nerf gun party. We all love Nerf guns in this family but I can't help being reminded of the weekend we spent at BJ and Carrie's in January of 2016. It was the last weekend we actually visited them before they split up. We had a great time. Dillon hauled all of his Nerf guns over there… and bullets and  accessories… and Jaime was there that night.  (Jaime was in the car accident with BJ). So…about a four-hour Nerf gun war ensued inside their house which was great because they had a circular area and great walls to hide behind. We had taken Christmas presents and one of the Christmas presents was a Nerf gun for Cheyenne so she got a little bit involved, but mostly she had fun gathering the bullets and either given them to her daddy or running them over to Grandma to protect so nobody could have them. It was a great night! I have many pictures and videos and when I watch them, it's great to see BJ having so much fun and so full of life. But that's really nothing unusual because that is how he lived his life; very full, very fun, and always on the go. A year ago we celebrated Willy's birthday…just a small family get-together here in my backyard. BJ and Chicka stopped in and that's when we got to meet her for the first time. BJ jumped right in the middle of the soccer game that the kids and Bryan were having and they had a great time. Of course he was showing off a bit by just leaping over the fences to get the ball when it went over…until one of the wood fences kind of tumbled as he got on it and he scraped the side of his leg. It was an awful mess but he just bandaged it and kept going. That was a great day!

So as I'm getting ready to make Willy's t-shirt, and go to his party…on this 10-month anniversary of BJ's death…he's not here physically but I know he'll be with us because he loved fun and oh boy would he be having fun at that Nerf gun war with the kids. Because that's just how he rolled. He would just get in the middle of whatever the kids were doing and play right along and have just a great time. He was just a big kid at heart. You are missed by so many son, and loved by so many, and it's amazing the things that trigger these memories all the time. I love you.

Happy Birthday Wild Willy!

Nothing Profound Here

Sometimes I feel like I should find something profound to say. Something that will make a difference in someone's life. But all I have are my feelings and my daily walk through grief. Some days are good, some days are great, and some days are just ok. But every day I get up and many days I am now actually enjoying again.  I have been sharing my journey with you for three months now and it is the best thing I have done for myself, to help me with the loss of the unthinkable…my child. Just writing my feelings down; sometimes shallow…sometimes deep…it helps me tremendously. I believe it is just the act of releasing them. No longer keeping them inside.  Sitting here writing about BJ, about this journey, crying, and wondering how to get the next few words out. Well, it's my way of keeping sane. It's my way of coping with the reality of this loss.

BJ, sometimes I miss you so much that I sit here in my living room staring out at your Forever Christmas Tree and a little bit more of the reality settles in. You're not going to "pop in" ever again. I'm not going to ever get another text from you. And, I certainly wish people would quit hacking your email accounts because when I get an email that says from "BJ McCormick" it breaks my heart a little bit more. And, then I read the subject "GET RID OF THE FAT" and I laugh out loud. I have no idea why. I guess so I don't go crazy. I know you would NEVER send me an email that said that! But, if I told you your email was hacked and what the subject was we would laugh, so I laugh for us. And, then I move on. I just miss you so.

It's all those stupid little things that we, as humans, program ourselves to take for granted. It's those little things that I can no longer take for granted. Every single moment is special to me. Every conversation with my sons, every hug from a grandchild, everything…it's all special now. I wish people knew that about death. If you've never lost a loved one; you have no idea and how could you? You haven't felt it yet. If you have experienced death then you do understand about grief. But unless you lose a child, unless you are part of the group I never wanted to be part of, you have absolutely no idea of the monster we deal with every day. And, again, how could you? If you are part of this horrific group, you are not alone. There are lots of us. Do whatever you need to do today to get yourself through the day and remember you are worth it. Don't be sad that you still have life that your loved one was denied. If your loved one is anything like my BJ, they would want you to keep living. If you are keeping your feelings inside…write them down, read them a couple of times, and then toss them away. Release them. It's ok. They'll come back and when they do you will handle them a bit better each time. Write every day, write once a week, write whenever the feelings hit you…or don't. I know it helps me and it might help you.

Remember…get up, get dressed...each day and know you are not alone and you are loved.

When I See Your Face

💗💗💗💗💗

As I was sitting outside this morning drinking my cup of coffee before the kids got up, I was thinking of my youngest son Greg's birthday…coming up on September 14th. He will be 10 this year. Excited for his double-digit birthday until my thoughts start to wander and suddenly I'm sad and I'm crying.

You were at his birthday party last year. Little did we know that would be the last time that you would celebrate a birthday with us, it was the last time that we got to see you, the last time that you came to our house, the last time that you and I would be able to have our heart-to-heart talks, and the last time that you would make fun of me for not liking bacon and I would make fun of you for not liking coffee..... still, who doesn't like coffee?! 😂

The last time I would tell you that those energy drinks, that you loved, are so bad for your heart and you shouldn't drink them. You telling me that you knew you weren't ever going to die of old age. Still to this day…it breaks our hearts that you are gone.

As I'm sitting here thinking of all these things this morning I have come to realize that when I am sad I don't see your face. It is in the good memories of our little banters back and forth and the fun memories that we share....that's when I see your face. When I smile thinking of those good memories; that's when I see you smiling and I can hear you laughing. Oh that infectious smile that you have.

So I hold onto those good memories because I know that when I am thinking of them, so are you and you are smiling about them too. You are in a better place and I know that. We just miss you! So, until we meet again.

Lots of love, The St. Helens Hall’s

The last picture BJ took at our house

That Day

As many of you know, especially if you are regular readers, I have a page called "Around The Bonfire". It is set aside for family and friends of BJ's to share their journey of grief, how his death has impacted them, or to share a light-hearted bonfire story. My thoughts for this page are so others can share, so others can heal, so others can release feelings that they may otherwise keep held deep inside. I like to think of it as friends helping friends. 

That day... 

I will never forget that day...I was at work, sitting in a meeting. A friend of mine called me.  She never calls me. I immediately got on Facebook.  I don't know why; I just had a feeling.  I read a post from BJ's brother.   The worst possible thing I could've read. It was the worst possible thing I could've imagined. BJ was in an accident and he was gone. My brother, he was gone.  Just like that. Gone.  Taken away from us.  I had another memorial to go to that very same day for another one of our family members. Two in one day. How could this be?  I remember thinking this isn't real. I was shaking and trying to figure out how I was going to tell my husband, Rob.  

I was so lucky to know him. We had great times together.  In high school we "dated"! We went as far as holding hands. Watch out people!  We were a couple!  Ok, not really, we figured out pretty quickly that we were better as friends. Best friends.  He always made me laugh and always made me feel like family.  One of my last memories of BJ was our last camping trip together; it was very special.  We had a bonding moment; just the two of us, sitting In the dirt…laughing...and crying together.  The last phone call I had with him, he told me he was finally happy again and that he loved us.  BJ, I wish I could have had one more conversation with you. I wish I could have one of your best bear hugs. You will always have my heart and you'll always be with me.  I love you brother.  Forever and always, Amanda

Clear Lake

Where I imagine that sat in the dirt...laughing...and crying together

Such A Good Life

As I was "sharing" a post on Facebook from two years ago when Dillon and I were in California…I wrote these words…I am blessed with such a good life, such good sons, and so many great memories! And, as I am about to write "I wouldn't change it for anything in the world"…which I wouldn't…I am filling up with tears. Tears…because I would give a hundred future days for just one more day with BJ. Just one more day to spend entirely with him, hearing his voice, listening to his laughter, hugging him until he says "mom, what's up? I'm not going anywhere!" One more day…

I know I have eternity with him, but that does not take away the pain now, right in this instance, right when I am sharing a post, on Facebook, of a spectacular time...a moment that brought me back to wonderful memories. A moment, that is gone as quick as it was here. A moment that is replaced with grief. That awful churning in my stomach. As quick as I was induced reliving my California vacation, the tears began flowing because I am consumed with grief. If overtakes my being, my body, and I am like a helpless baby crying to get out of their crib. Sometimes crying uncontrollably because the pain has made a home within me and will reside there, in some capacity, for the rest of my time on earth. I have no control over when it will jump into action and take over an otherwise normal day. In the past, I've learned to suppress my feelings of grief and release them when I am alone. I no longer have that luxury. My son died and losing a child is a grief that cannot be suppressed, it is a beast that cannot be controlled…so, I don't even try anymore. If it happens, it happens. If I have people around me, I only hope that they have compassion and will just give me a hug, let me know I am loved…until it passes. If I am around someone that doesn't know how to do that, that is ok too. Not everyone knows grief. Not everyone has been shook to their core. Not everyone has lost a child. For Heaven's sake not everyone has even lost someone and they have no idea how horrible grief is. I didn't until I was nearly 40 when I lost my mom. Can you imagine going to your parents funeral and being the only sibling there without a "mate"? I had recently been through a divorce, the loss of nearly a 20 year marriage; which carries grieving of its own. Here I was, at my mother's funeral, surrounded by my 7 siblings…all whom had a spouse or significant other there, to comfort them, to hold them up. I did not, but I was special that day. I had my two sons to comfort me, to hold me up, to share in my grief, to let me know it was ok to express my feelings of loss. I also had a lot of friends that carried me through that day, that time. I am blessed to be surrounded by love, especially on this journey of grief.

I am not "lost" in grief. I know I have such a good life, such good sons, such good friends, and such amazing memories.

It's Been a Long Day Without You My Son….

And, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. How many times I have heard people say this about BJ. Of course they say Friend not Son, but the meaning is the same. How long some days are. Some days have much happening and other days not so much. When I see you again, it will be in the blink of an eye and I feel like everything I now think I want to tell you, you will already know. You are still with us. That is clear. We all feel your presence in one way or another.  The past two weeks have been very bittersweet. Our travels to Colorado to see one of your best friends and his family. Watching Baby John as he looks at your picture I gave him and says Uncle BJ…as if you've never left him. He really didn't spend much time with you, living across the country, but it's like he knows you. I printed a special photo of you, Kyle's favorite photo, and bought a rustic frame with just a touch of green on it and gave it to Kyle. I could tell he was as choked up as he was happy to have that gift. I've listened to stories from Allison about her first time spending time with you. Of all the descriptions people give about you, hers is the most heartwarming to me; I guess because she didn't know you as long as the rest of us. She said, "BJ was sincere"…sincere with his feelings, sincere when he spoke to you, sincere. What a wonderful way to feel about my son.  He made her feel welcome when she came to Oregon and he made sure she knew he was always there for her.

Grandma Peggy and Baby John

As I drove around Colorado Springs, I thought of BJ a lot. I thought, "man he would love it here!"  Well, he would love everything except for the rain. But, I enjoyed the afternoon rain. BJ loved the sun and he loved the snow…not so much the in between stuff! Lying in bed my last night there was tough for me. I replayed in my head how great it was to be there and spend time with this great little family. How nice it was to have Kurt and his family there the last couple of days I was there. How many memories and thoughts we all shared of you as we were sitting around in the garage that night. You are so missed son! And, then, I thought about how I was going to wake up, pack up, and begin my trek back to Oregon. It was bittersweet and I shed many tears that night. I could see and feel how much everyone misses you, how their grief journeys are different than my own, and how much I was already missing MY Colorado family! I feel so much love from your friends son and I am so grateful that I carry that piece of you, through them, with me. They are all another one of God's great blessings to me.

Remember my friends…Not every day is good, but every day has good in it.