Embrace Change?

So many changes in life as we weave our way through. I learned a long time ago to embrace change so it lessens the trauma. The only change I haven’t learnt to embrace is death; the loss of a loved one, the loss of my son. How does one embrace such a thing and why would I even want to embrace that!? I get by. I keep my head above water. I focus on the here and now. But, I can’t embrace it.

Throughout life there are many changes. Oh, if only the littles knew life isn’t all Legos and Nerf Guns or Barbie’s and dress up! There are fun changes, exciting changes, work changes, growing changes, life changes, and the one that hits us upside the head, drops us to our knees, and cuts us like a knife…loss of a loved one. I’ve made it through childhood, marriage, babies, teenagers, divorce, another baby, career changes, Fibromyalgia, grandkids, and the death of my parents, my children’s grandparents, my sons father, my dear friend Jack, and my brother; sometimes I wonder if I’ll make it through the loss of my child. Is this…one too many? They are all changes that affect our life. We deal with change often, if not every day, in one way or another and sometimes we even want a change.

This month I am going through another change and I am excited, I am thrilled, I am proud, and I am a wee bit selfishly sad. My son and his family are moving an hour and ten minutes away from me; instead of the lovely six minute drive I have to their house now. No more “dropping by unannounced” (he always loves when mom does that!) or swinging by to leave them a Halloween doormat on the step. I am thrilled he finally found his first house and property to buy and it’s a beautiful location; just too far away from mom. I’ve always had Bryan close by; within 20 minutes or so anyway. I am excited for this change in their life and I couldn’t be more proud of the son and dad that he has become. But, as I’ve said, he is my baby of the older two and I selfishly want him “right down the street!” This is a change I can embrace and I will embrace, because more than I feel selfish - I feel extremely happy for him and his family!

Life has hurdles, life is not always sunshine and lollipops, but if you can learn to embrace the things you cannot change that really is half the battle. So, I will continue to battle the change I cannot embrace and know that we will all be with BJ again one day. Until then, life goes on and we need to make the most of it…that’s the BJ way.

Time's Ticking Away

Do you ever feel like you are watching the world go by or feel the time ticking away? Sometimes it feels like we aren’t moving but simply going through the motions. I have an agenda a mile long and a task list to match it and I feel like I am simply just checking things off of a list, just getting things done. I rarely feel like I am “living”. Sometimes that hollow feeling that encompasses me creates a vision of life passing me by. Like I am here and I am living, but I don’t feel it.  And then other times I have so much feeling that I can’t control how I react to situations or thoughts; and that’s not always good.  I know I have a pretty full life and am very blessed. I do my fair share of traveling and see some beautiful places. But when you lose someone, especially your child, if feels like the wind has been knocked out of you and you search but don’t know how to catch your breath and regain your life. That is called “going through the motions” and I do that a lot since losing BJ, especially when I am alone and that is a great deal of the time.

Since his death, I live my life for “what’s next?”  He died a year ago October 20^th and first I planned his Celebration of Life, then it was to get through the holidays, next was Dillon’s 13^th Birthday, our trip to LA, and his trip to Washington DC followed by spring break. Spring break was spent with Cheyenne and at the end of the week my first trip to the accident site and his cross. And then, and then, and then. I just see what’s next on the calendar and I plan up to that point and then it’s the next thing. I usually have things planned out months in advance and am pretty organized about it. My brain won’t handle all that right now. I am lucky I am keeping up on the planning of one event this month, three next month, one in December, one in January…well, you get the idea. Well, that’s my job and that’s where my focus is…so I sit here watch the rest of my time ticking away…until another day.

I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always

Written September 21, 2018

It’s been a long week and although I have had many thoughts about BJ and what to blog this week I’m still in a place of “where do I begin?” It’s not always this way. Most times I just put my thoughts down and it all works out. This week has been different and even though I can’t pinpoint exactly why, I have ideas of why: 1. Yesterday was 11 months since BJ’s accident and today was 11 months since I received that dreaded, life changing news. 2. I am now in my crazy busy time of year with work and sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a breath, but yet I can drift off with thoughts of BJ. 3. I saw BJ’s dad last weekend for a short time and I have many thoughts and emotions about that. 4. I have been blessed (NOT) with a head cold and I just don’t have time to be sick right now! Since I have outlined why I think things are “different” this week, that’s just how this blog will go.

1.      Yesterday was 11 months since BJ’s accident and today was 11 months since I received that dreaded, life changing news. I am a “date” person, so I do recognize each and every date that pops up and most times I can give you a date of something that happened long ago, or narrow it down to the year. I get that from my mother; is it a blessing or is it a curse? Well, it can be either. I’ve thought, “How can he be gone for 11 months already? Only one more month and then there will be no more firsts in this journey of grief. How will I handle this? How is any of this ok?”  Yes, 11 months later, I still ask, “How is any of this ok?” It’s not, but without sounding cliché…it is, what it is…and most of the time the thought of “it” sucks! 11 months; OMGosh seriously!? And, that’s how I really feel about it!

2.       I am now in my crazy busy time of year with work and sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a breath, but yet I can drift off with thoughts of BJ. It’s true! I am working 6-7 days a week and sometimes 10 hours a day right now. Mind you; I am NOT complaining! I love my job and I am very blessed to have my job. I get to work in PJ’s and no makeup. I can work in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. I can work from Starbucks!  But, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing…work or not…my thoughts often drift to BJ, what has happened, how it has impacted our entire family, and how it has changed many of us. As I was driving this afternoon and listening to the radio I was reminded of a wonderful quote:

This began my train of thoughts. Everyone knows that BJ was not deemed nor ever held the title of “mommy’s baby”. No he did not; that was reserved for his younger brother…for 20 years until #3 came along. Bryan was only too willing to have that term of endearment go to the new “baby” of the family. Funny thing is, after Dillon came along I have referred to Bryan as “my baby of the oldest two”; because never has he been anything but my baby. Truth be told; every one of our children are our babies and we don’t stop loving them, caring about them, worrying about them when they turn the magical age of “18”. There is not a time frame for being a parent and loving our babies.

3.       I saw BJ’s dad last weekend for a short time and I have many thoughts and emotions about that. Ok, so I try to keep this blog about me and my journey even though his death affects many people. Where do I start? BJ had an amazing relationship with his dad. They talked very often on the phone; if not daily, it was several times a week. And when they talked, I mean it was lengthy…BJ once told me that when he was going to talk to his dad on the phone it would be a minimum of a half hour. That’s just how it was; they would shoot the breeze, catch up on all their “side deals”, encourage one another with their horse trading shenanigans. They needed each other to feed the others life. For every intense purpose of the meaning, BJ was Bill’s best friend. So, Bill not only lost his son, he lost his best friend. He is angry, he lashes out, he cannot accept it, and he doesn’t know where to go from here; how to live life without his oldest son, his best friend. You see, he doesn’t have the everyday distractions that the rest of us do; he doesn’t work, he doesn’t do social media, he doesn’t do much social anything. So, initially seeing him and talking for a few minutes, I left there thinking that he needed to stop being angry at everyone when I realized he’s not angry with others, he’s angry with BJ…that he is gone. He’s just taking it out on everyone around him because that’s all he knows how to do right now. He hasn’t learned to accept it or how to even work through it and that is what is difficult for me to see.

4.      I have been blessed (NOT) with a head cold and I just don’t have time to be sick right now! In the spectrum of life, this item really is irrelevant. I think it has just added to the compound of everything else. It snuck up on me and came on pretty quick. But, I think the wine tonight is helping! ;)

To sum this blog post up I would say, “Don’t get stuck in your grief and don’t displace your anger on undeserving people. Treasure those “drop in thoughts” of the one you’re grieving over and share your journey with someone or with yourself.” Writing down your thoughts, even if you do nothing with them, helps a lot. It is another outlet to help release them and not keep them bottled up. At the end of the day, sit down with a good glass of wine or a nice cup of tea and relax…it may be the only moment of the day you have to do it. God Bless and thank you for reading and for continually sharing my blog!

Don't Sit Still

It’s later in the day than usual as I sit down to write this week’s Forget YOU Not blog post. It’s been a long week. A long work week, a long grief week. Yesterday marked three years since our world lost a wonderful man, Heaven got another angel, and Dillon got his Guardian Angel. It feels like forever since he’s been here, but the other morning it felt just like yesterday when I could call him and ask him to take our son to school for me because I’d had an insomniac night. I sat on the edge of my bed Monday morning remembering all the mornings he would drive to our house just to take our son to school, to get a few minutes with Dillon at the start of his day. And then there were days that I was either not feeling great, hadn’t slept well, or was buried in work and I could text him early and sure enough he didn’t hesitate; he would come to our call. He certainly was a great and devoted dad and a good friend to many. And, already three years…

Today, Heaven got another wonderful man and angel. I’ve known him five years, but only through work. You could see the Lord in his presence at the conferences and it was heartwarming to know that his faith was strong and he was not fearful of his return Home. It’s really hard on the ones left behind. I found out yesterday that he was in Hospice after a rapid decline from the return of “The Nasty C”. I’ve been praying for him and his family the past month and especially for their comfort and strength the past 36 hours.  

This weekend marks a year since I last saw my sweet BJ. It’s been an overwhelming week. I’m sitting here in Rich’s chair, in the corner of the living room where I can see BJ’s Forever Tree outside and the loveseat where he last sat and told me stories; where we laughed about the antics that surrounded his life. The story that Teri was telling about their Labor Day camping trip, as he turned and looked at her. She apparently “knew the look” because she innocently asked, “haven’t you told your mom this?”  He was like…ummmm, not until now (with an ear to ear grin, knowing he was busted)! LOL  So, his version of the story ensued; I especially enjoyed his telling that Jaime scaled the side of his travel trailer! He was a great storyteller and I will never say that it was all accurate or that there weren’t “add-ins” because with BJ that was a given! Memories are good –Death is difficult.

I will not be consumed in loss this weekend; it is my birthday tomorrow and BJ and Rich and all those that are now gone would not want me sad. They would not want our lives to stop. I can take time to grieve and I can take time to be happy. One has nothing to do with the other.  I am happily grieving my way through life and I am good with that because it means that I am not sitting still in grief.

Changing Seasons

Fall has always been my favorite season; vibrant jewel tones, cool crisp mornings, and indescribably delicious smells that fill the air. I have often put up fun fall décor on Labor Day Weekend just so I can enjoy it for the longest time possible. I so loved the anticipation of Halloween with my boys…all of them! I would think... what would they want to dress up like this year? How will the weather be for Trick or Treating?  What candy should I get for other tricksters?  The thoughts seemed endless and the memories are priceless.

Three years ago, fall changed for our family. In two days from now, September 14^th, we will observe three years since we lost Dillon’s dad to a sudden death; a complication from surgery that caused a stroke and resulted in his going “home”. We are grateful he did not suffer, but he is missed terribly and life without him has been life altering and forever changed his son. Because of the foundation Rich and I built for Dillon in his first ten and a half years of life, Dillon is slowly overcoming adversity and thriving as a teenager finishing his last year of middle school.

Two years ago, things again were changing for us. I began September with some unexplainable health situations. They didn’t seem to be life altering, but they did make my days uncomfortable for a while. I was able to continue with work as usual, traveling for my job, and it seemed manageable even though I was under a doctor’s care and undergoing some tests. One day in mid-October as I was about four hours from home I had one of those dreaded phone calls and I could literally feel my knees shake. The doctor called to say they had found a “mass” in one of my kidney’s that she felt was causing the excruciating pain I had been enduring for two months.  A “mass”? They were requesting I come back to Portland immediately for a scan to detect exactly what the mass was and she would call me back when that appointment was set up. Are you kidding me?! How does one continue working under those circumstances? How do I not fall apart, here, in front of anyone and everyone? How do I stay composed? Well, I didn’t, not really. I held it together as best as I could but inside I was falling apart. How could this be? What about Dillon? He just lost his dad last year? A few hours later as I sat in my hotel room, I called BJ. Not because I thought he would know what to say, but because I knew my boys should know and in some weird way I thought he would distract my thoughts. He did. We talked a while about many things, but when he said, “Mom, I am sure everything is going to be ok” and “you should pray”, I did find comfort. I then called Bryan and he too said the comforting things I needed and even though I “heard” silence on the other end of the phone I wasn’t sure if it was a distraction from his herd of kids or if he was feeling a bit like me…as in What The Heck!?

So, what does one do when they get that kind of phone call and the thoughts are ravishing through their head like it is race day at the raceway!? Well, for this mom I had to think of my youngest child and make sure that if the unthinkable happened he was taken care of. That is the moment I put his future on paper and knew it would take more than a life insurance policy to take care of him; it would take the love and nurturing of people to care for him.

First things first, two days later I was headed back to Portland to have “the test”. Thankfully, there was NOT a “mass” in my kidney; there were several cysts which are completely normal. However, the test did find a large (golf ball large) gallstone and they believed that was causing the pain. After two months of insurance red tape and an ambulance ride to ER, they removed the gallbladder, with a stone they discovered to be the size of a medium chicken egg! As I was preparing for surgery and knowing that this was fairly routine, I was nonetheless “going under the knife” which once again triggered those “if something happens” thoughts. I spent time preparing my will, putting my Advance Directive in place so that my boys would NOT have to make decisions I felt they should not be burdened with, and I wrote each of them a letter. Mind you, I am here and they never received those letters. But if something were to happen they would have my last words to them. They would know how much I love them, how much being their mom has meant to me, and what a wonderful future I know they would have. Those letters remain in my safe, they are updated on occasion, and they are an important part of me to them. All the letters except BJ’s; he never got to read how much I loved him, how incredible being his mom was, and my laid out plans for my Life’s Celebration. Yes, he was the oldest and during that kind of turmoil I planned my Celebration of Life for him not knowing ten months later I would be planning his Celebration of Life.

Which brings us to the fall of 2016; the third fall of turmoil for me. The school year had a rocky start for Dillon; he was now in the seventh grade, it was nearly two years since losing his daddy, and he was filling up with grief. It is normal for kids to experience grief about 18-24 months after their loss. After about six weeks of an emotional twelve year old, on October 20^th, we sat on the edge of my bed as he was unable to get dressed for school. He was in the middle of a grief meltdown and all I could do was comfort him, cry with him, talk about his dad, and share how much we both missed him and why. He was exhausted. He slept and I worked. He woke feeling much better on Friday, October 21^st, and he was off to school. It seemed like a beautiful fall morning and we had just made great progress in his journey of grief. I was feeling grateful and thankful that he was releasing some of these bottled up feelings. All those great feelings I had come to a crashing halt at 10:30 a.m. when my son had to tell me his big brother was “in a fatal car accident last night and is no longer with us.” Yes, I still hear those words as if it was yesterday, but it’s been nearly eleven months. I hear Bryan’s voice, word for word, as he told me BJ was gone, and I shook to the core, in disbelief. There is something that changes inside of you the moment you hear those words and you are changed forever.

This fall, as I prepare for a very busy season of work, I also prepare my mind and my heart for the year anniversary of losing my oldest baby boy. This weekend, my birthday weekend, it will be a year since I have seen him, hugged him, shared life’s stories with him, and watched him drive away from my home for the last time…in a hurry for the next adventure in his life. It hasn’t gotten easier. I am thankful for a lot of distractions that occupy my thoughts and keep my mind busy. It still seems like it was yesterday when I sat here in the living room with him, Teri, Cheyenne, and Dillon and he was sharing stories about recent camping trips. And yet, it seems like a million years ago since I saw his smile, felt his hug, and heard his laugh.

I am stronger than I knew, I have prayed deeper than before, and I keep my faith with God because I know He will carry me through as I walk through this journey of grief. As for this fall season; I have yet to get out my décor, but I am feeling the air of cooler mornings, anticipating watching the leaves turn, and will soon enjoy some of the smells that are fall; pumpkin spice, nutmeg, squash, and homemade cookies. And on the really tough days, I will “Fall on my knees” and ask for peace, comfort, and a season without personal tragedy.

Dillon inherited his dad's chair.

The Unexpected

As many know, I live in Oregon and close to the Eagle Creek wildfire. Yes, it is a wildfire even though it was ignited by a teenager playing with fireworks. It quickly went out of control and became “wild”, sending embers flying through the sky to our neighboring state and sparking another wildfire in Washington. Now merged with the Indian Creek wildfire; together they have consumed over 33,000 acres, burned at least three homes to the ground, and lead to thievery of fire equipment and volunteer fireman’s vehicles. It is shameful that in hard times our first responders have to watch for looters, thieves, and burglars when their only focus should be helping evacuees and protecting our land.  

The Eagle Creek fire quickly went from a spark to 4800 acres and shortly thereafter my community, a metropolitan suburb, was added to the Evacuation Level 1 list. It was pretty surreal for me, as I had laid in bed the previous night unable to sleep, thinking what would I take if it should make its way to our city, where are all the items located in my house. So, in my mind, I was already preparing for another “unthinkable” in my life. As I listened to the fire marshal  say those dreadful words that I was now a Level 1, I sat here in disbelief thinking this really wouldn’t happen. And in the next moments I was numb, I was trying to pull my thoughts together from the previous night so I could put them into action and yet, I sat here…in total disbelief. Then the phone rang; I looked at it for a moment and then answered to find a dear friend on the other end. She was calling to see how I was handling this. I could hardly speak and in that moment the tears began to stream. Nothing I could control, they just started flowing. How could this be happening? I have already lost my sons father, my brother, a man that was like a father to me, and my son; how could we possibly have to face losing our home too?

Make no mistake, I was not fearful of losing our home. Fear really isn’t part of my vocabulary. Was I concerned? Yes, most definitely. But having a brief conversation with my friend, in that very moment, I was able to pull myself together and put my hazy plan into action. Her phone call could not have had better timing! I then became a packing goddess!  I grabbed any and every plastic container I had floating around the house. First and foremost were family photos…all of them and those who know me well know that I take a ton of pictures and not just now that they are digital. I have always been a picture taker. I grabbed all flash drives, my external hard drive, emptied my safe (because it was easier than carrying it!), cleared off my rolling file cabinet and then set a staging area near the front door. Of course that is the “shoe” area and I had a couple boxes of giveaway items. I literally used my foot and kicked and shoved them aside so I could start gathering and getting my to-go area ready.  The hardest of all was putting BJ’s urn in a plastic container; packing him away like he was just another item. He still sits in that container in the to-go area and it is difficult. I feel I am disrespectful of his remains when in my heart I know I am not. I know they are only his remains of his earthly body and that “he” is in Heaven and is safe with our Father. But his remains are what I have until I have him again and it is heartbreaking to “pack him away”.

You see friends, grief hits at any time and most often unexpectedly. I can’t plan to have a breakdown, plan to have a fresh box of tissues next to me for that breakdown, or to have a friend nearby for a hug during that planned breakdown. Grief is not planned. Grief is ugly. Grief is unexpected.

My heart goes out to the families that are Level 3 and have had to already leave their homes. My heart goes out to the families that have had their home and possessions go up in flames.  Our Level 1 is nothing compared to what they have already endured. We are still two levels away from that. But…I am ready should that happen. In my mind, I am prepared and most everything is replaceable. The only things that are not are family photos, things my kids have made me, sentimental things from someone that has gone before us, and BJ’s remains. I have insurance and I can replace furniture, electronics, and knick knacks. I can’t replace a snapshot of my boys, my grandkids, or my family.

So, I will continue with my daily business and pray sometime soon they will rescind the evacuation order for my community and then I can unpack what has been packed. Life will return to normal. Well, the normal as I know it to be.  God Bless the first responders, the firefighters not just in Oregon but across the Nation, the victims and people dealing with the hurricanes that have hit and the ones yet to hit, and God Bless America!

The Majestic Columbia River Gorge

Remember the Goodness

Another summer comes to an end as another school year begins. Technically we have a few more weeks of summer, but for those of us with kids or connected to school our summer shuts down Labor Day Weekend. I've been in Central Oregon the last few days of our summer break spending time with family and helping a cherished loved one make the transition from a lengthy hospital stay to life back home with her doggies. Ten and a half months ago she had the first of a few surgeries…on the very day we lost BJ. BJ was like a son to her and she was devastated too. BJ was pretty good about checking in on her and helping when he could. Just this week she shared with me that she found out about BJ when most of us did…the day after his accident. She was crying when her doctor came in that day and yet a few days later; still recovering, she had her daughter drive her three and a half hours to spend some time with me.

It's still so hard to believe he's gone. In many ways it seems like I just saw him and his smiling face and in other ways it seems like a lifetime. He would be preparing for his daughter to start second grade and most likely he would be going camping this weekend. Even though he died in October, the last time I saw him was my birthday weekend which is quickly approaching. A year…it will mark a year since I saw him, touched him, hugged him, and laughed at his never ending stories. He always seemed to have new stories to tell. There was rarely a dull moment of time spent with my boy. I also know this upcoming mid-September weekend will mark a year since many other friends and family in the Portland area saw him, laughed with him, or shared a beer with him. It was a great weekend. He came to "the valley" for a birthday party with his daughter and Teri. The time with me was brief, but good. Not only were they going another 40 miles to a party, they were doing some school clothes shopping for his precious little girl. It was a great weekend for them and they enjoyed it so much. I was the lucky one because he almost always slept at moms when he came to town, so no matter what he was doing or where he was going I got to have the sleepovers and steal minutes where ever I could. I'm a little melancholy as I reflect on these times; knowing they no longer exist. I no longer get those "pop in" visits, but I can still vividly see his face and his smile, I still hear the last story he told me, and then I close my eyes and I can still feel his grand hug. And for now, that has to be enough. Enough…until we are together again, in the blink of an eye.

Stay strong, help where you can, and through the sadness remember the goodness and the blessing you had of their life with you.