All Lives Matter

Rarely, if ever, do I post my opinions or share personal matters, but today is a day that I find it truly important to share. Today I learned of another life lost far too soon and frankly, I've had enough. Enough of the calls, texts and messages of another peer, friend, or family member taking their own life.

Since high school I have battled anxiety and depression off and on. While the signs and symptoms are there, those around me can rarely tell. Most people find it hard to believe because I am "always so happy and bubbly", but many days I find myself using every fiber of my being to avoid a panic attack or full-blown meltdown.

I share this because I have seen many sides of mental illness. I have experienced the struggle, I have seen others fight the battle and I have seen far too many lose the fight. I am sharing today because I want those of you who are making it through each day with a constant inner struggle to know a few things. Know that you are loved. Know that you are strong. Know that you are never alone. And please know you are needed. Reaching out and asking for help is one of the toughest things to do, but I promise that you will find your loved ones are there, willing and able to love and support you.

Please, always remember how much you matter and how much you are needed in this world. ❤

As I read this Facebook post earlier this week, my eyes couldn’t help but tear up. Far too many people have this struggle and far too many people “hide it”. I applaud Allison for her vulnerability and courage to wear her heart on her sleeve and write such a strong, beautiful, and inspirational message in the hopes of reaching just one single person that might need to read her words in that last single moment that might have been the end of their road.

I believe many of us have inner struggles, but it is far beyond my comprehension that someone is far enough down the road feeling the only way out of their struggle is to take their own life. I cannot even begin to know how their survivors feel and what they go through with such a loss. I am sure they go through, “Why didn’t we see the signs? Why didn’t we know it was this bad? What could we have done?” Yes, the “I blame myself” game. That…on top of losing their loved one would be nearly unbearable. Not knowing why or how they could have changed the outcome. Friends, I am only speculating these feelings because I have not lost a loved one to suicide; (I humbly say) I have only lost someone. I have lost a child. A grown child. A child that I had 35 years / 5 months / 4 days with; gone way too soon and yet, lived longer than many others.

Close your eyes and imagine your “happy place”. It is likely filled with “your peeps” and even likely doing something fun; something that determines it to be your “happy place”. My “happy place” is with my family in no place in particular…just together. Now, close your eyes and imagine that same “happy place” without one of your children, grandchildren, siblings, or your spouse there. You likely can’t see that picture in your mind, because your loved one is still here with you. For me, losing my child has been like standing in the middle of a road and being hit, at 60 MPH, by a semi-truck…and…you survive! That might be unimaginable to most, but that is pretty much how it felt to lose my child, my first-born, the little boy that grew into a man, the man that left earth far too young. That might also be how some feel every single day with their inner struggle; while we see “happy and bubbly”. It might be taking every fiber of their being to avoid a panic attack or full-blown meltdown.

If you have lost someone and especially if you have lost someone to suicide, share Allison’s message in the hopes that we can reach someone that might need to read the words, ‘Please, always remember how much you matter and how much you are needed in this world.”

Facebook message used with permission and encouragement.

Spontaneity

Earlier today I was going through some things from 2016. It brought back memories of our trip to South Carolina. We decided the second weekend of June that Dillon and I would tag along with BJ and Cheyenne. And then a couple of weeks later, about this same time of June, I was chatting with BJ on the phone and said that maybe the drive was too long, and we (Dillon and I) shouldn’t go. I could tell in his voice that he was disappointed and that’s when he began the guilt trip…”What, and give up the time with your granddaughter? Why not, you always say you can work from anywhere. It’s up to you, but you never know when this opportunity will come along again. I’m paying for all the gas, so it’s really a free trip for you!” My boys always know mom’s soft spot and what to say so she gives in!  Of course, my response was, “oh, alright I guess we can go. But, let’s stop at a hotel at least one night on the way.” He agreed if I agreed to “play it by ear”. Yea, I should’ve known he had no intention of stopping for an entire night of sleep!

That really was a wild ride and I am so thankful that we took that trip together. We made memories that will be with Dillon and I forever. BJ and I had fun listening to the kids play their scavenger hunts. And we all had fun finding license plates from different states. We found ways to keep ourselves and the kids entertained along the way. He was amazed by the “big A$$ bugs” of the south, he loved the warm beaches of the east coast, and he was ecstatic to go to a “Dirty South Mud Bog”. But, most of all, he loved spending time with one of his best buddies (Kyle) and his family. I know that trip holds a lot of memories for all of us; that was the last time Kyle and his family saw BJ, it was the last time Dillon spent quality time with his oldest brother, it was the last vacation his daughter will ever have with her daddy, and it is a trip that will forever be in my heart. A spur of the moment, spontaneous decision that led me to no regrets after losing BJ. Had I not gone, and he died, I would always have that regret. I am thankful that he guilt-tripped me and God gave me the nudge to just do it! Never underestimate spontaneity, because it could lead to the “last” of something. 

The Best Seat in the House

Many kids are excited about graduating…Kindergarten, Grade School, Middle School, High School, and even College…Dillon is no different. He is excited about what his future holds. It is true, he has had to overcome much loss the past four years; beginning with his father, just a few days after he started fifth grade and his oldest brother two years later. As we attended a high school graduation the June following his father’s death, Dillon quietly said, “My dad won’t get to see me graduate High School, mom.” I am sure that is something that is always in the back of his mind; the things he thinks his father is missing. I am sympathetic to his feelings and always try to reassure him that his dad (and brother) are always with him and they are both so proud of the young man he is growing to be.

It is heartbreaking for a parent to go through the death of another parent with a child. It is equally challenging to live up to the task of being the “only parent” left to raise this child. I often asked myself if I was up to this task, could I do this by myself, and am I enough for Dillon? On the same day, September 13, 2014, as I told Dillon we had to prepare to let his father go I also told him that even though his dad wouldn’t be here with us anymore that he would be watching and helping me parent from Heaven. It has been hard to live up to those words I told him. Not because his father isn’t watching, but because I must be able to listen to what his father and Our Father are guiding me to do with Dillon. A few weeks after this loss his dad came to me in a dream and said, “You can do this, Peg. You are a great mom. You will take good care of Dillon. Don’t be afraid.” I still don’t know that I am enough for him and it does break my heart to think I am all he has, but those words were such a comfort. I have learned over the last four years that we are not alone, I am not all he has, we have others helping us through each day, and when I can’t be with Dillon I know his dad is.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018...As I prepare to watch my son graduate Middle School this afternoon, I will be humbled to know that we have a village of people that have helped us the past four years: teachers that watch over and nurture his growth at school, special friends that open their home and their heart to us and keep Dillon when I have to travel for work, brothers that love him unconditionally and help guide him, and a stepmom that stands beside me to share as much about his dad that we can. Today, as I sit proudly and watch my young man end his childhood chapter and ready to begin his adolescent chapter I know his dad and brother will have the best seat in the House, next to Our Father.

Today, as I reflect on this past week and reread my words written here, I shed many tears. They began to flow last Sunday and continued until Wednesday. I didn’t really understand why I was so emotional; I mean, I have already watched my two older sons graduate high school let alone middle school. As I drove away from the school that afternoon I felt a calmness and release over me and realized that I had been concerned how that day would be for Dillon. He handled that day amazingly; from the time he led his classmates into the chapel until they were dismissed as high schoolers. As I sat in the chapel, surrounded by our school family, I knew I was not alone that day. I was surrounded by like parents, many of whom we have known since Dillon began school at City Christian in the first grade. I heard from several teachers how they had watched Dillon transform and grow in his spiritual walk this year. Dillon was honored to receive the Christian Character Award of “Humility” and knowing that he is as humbled as I am in our walk, in our relationships, and in our growth is a great character trait to have at fourteen years old. As we were walking out of the chapel, one of his teachers shared her view of Dillon and I the past couple of years…she first recognized the challenges of loss we have been through, followed by, “You two have not only come through this; you have exceled and made good of the situation.“ She is right, we have exceled and we are humble enough to know it is by God’s grace.

For those of you that are now “the only parent”, don’t let the task daunt you and remember that their absent parent isn’t absent at all. They are with your child and watching over them when you can’t be. God Bless our graduates and the “only parents”.

BJ's "Baby Girl"

Today, BJ's “baby girl” (as he called her) is 8 years old. He was always so proud of her and I’m sure he’s in Heaven watching her with the biggest of smiles on his face. He would love how smart, creative, funny,  and wild she continues to be. He would love every little thing about her, as he always did, and it's so sad he's not here with us to enjoy watching her grow. I know he watches from Heaven with a smile on his face seeing all the good in her life; all the things she is learning, all the memories she is making, and all the ways her daddy is not forgotten. He would really love what I have planned for her birthday!

It started when she couldn't quite decide what she was going to do for her birthday party and when she did decide, things weren't panning out as she had hoped. So, Grandma said, “Hey, let's have a “Hide ‘n Go Seek” party. Grandma will hide somewhere in the state of Oregon, Cheyenne can seek her, and when she finds her we will have a party!” I was excited that Cheyenne caught on quickly and said, “the state of Oregon is too big grandma!” And I said, “oh, no-no-no, it will be fun.” She said, “you have to at least tell me the town and it has to be close to Prineville.” I said, “there aren’t a lot of towns near Prineville.” She said, “Grandma, there is Madras, Culver, Redmond, and Bend!” She still wasn’t agreeable to grandma’s shenanigan’s, but that didn’t stop me from planning a little fun with her!

I called Carrie and she was on board. I mean, after all, she would have to run her daughter around finding the clues! I had so much fun putting the clues together and mostly wanted to make it reading fun for Cheyenne! I typed out five letters for her. The first one I mailed to her, the second one she will pick up at her daddy's old work (T S & S Ford), the third one will be at her mom's old job (the college), #4 will be at The Madras Aquatic Center (MAC). That clue will lead her to the park that is up the hill from there and she will find her last clue on Rex (Grandma’s Flex). I think she will have lots of fun reading the rhyming clues and it will keep her well entertained.

I know BJ would absolutely love this fun we are doing, but mostly he would love that even though he can’t be with her, she still knows him through her memories and his family. He would be happy that we all continue to work together for Cheyenne to have a happy life, spend time with all her family, and to make sure all her birthdays are special for his baby girl.

Happy Anniversary

Today as I was driving back from taking Dillon to school I started thinking about what I would blog today. I really didn’t know. I started thinking that I would like to do another “series” (like “8 Things I Love AboutBJ") and I thought maybe in June. No sooner did I think that when I realized today is June 1^st. Today would have been mine and Bill’s 38^th Wedding Anniversary; however, we have been divorced for 18 years. My thoughts go deeper and then the tears begin to flow. Let me explain…

Bill and I were high school sweethearts that married immediately following high school. Well, wait a minute…5 days before I graduated high school. Mt. St. Helens erupted on May 18 postponing graduation from May 31^st to the following Friday, June 6^th. We married June 1^st. We began our family soon thereafter; no, not on our honeymoon! Nonetheless, our first little bundle of joy, our #1 Son, our BJ (Bill Jr.) was born the following May. His baby brother, Bryan, was born three years later in July to complete our perfect family of four. Life was perfect. I was married to my best friend. I had priceless little boys that were full of energy and full of life and helped shape me in to the woman I am today. (Note to self: hold back the tears. It’s hard to type with watery eyes.)

Our boys learned how loving parents nurture their offspring, who are united in parenting responsibilities and decisions, and parents… that when they were together…they were together. When we were married, we did everything together. If Bill was at the shop working I would often be by his side. When I ran my decorating business from home, Bill and the boys helped “doing freight”, stamping brochures, and fending for themselves when mom was gone in the evenings teaching others how to beautify their homes through home décor. Our boys grew up in a happy and loving environment until about our last year of marriage when things got rocky. Regardless, good parenting and loving relationships were instilled in them. We always said and still say “I love you” each time we see each other, talk to each other, or have a text conversation.

BJ, bless his sweet little heart and dynamic sense of humor, never let June 1^st go by without a phone call or text to his dad and to me…” Happy Anniversary”! To him it didn’t matter that we were divorced, he made sure to wish us a happy anniversary and acknowledge “this was the day you two married and then you had me and my brother”. I asked him once if he only blessed me with this phone call. And he proudly said, “heck no, I call dad too!” “Oh, how he must love that!” I would respond. Apparently, my former “other half” would just roll his eyes (if only over the phone) and I am sure say something smart a$$ like back to our #1. I, on the other hand, would just laugh. I think mostly because BJ was entertaining that way; but I also knew he never forgot. No matter where he was in life, BJ never forgot his roots and how the home he grew up in was built on love and unity.

So, even from Heaven, BJ manages to tell me “Happy Anniversary, Mom”. Otherwise I likely would not be full of tears and be able to not only remember those once a year phone calls from him. But, I also remember a part of my life I would never change. A marriage that died, but the love survived and grew from a family of four to a family that added spouses, grandchildren, and another little brother (whom none have ever referred to as a “half” sibling).

Thank you, BJ, for always reminding me on June 1^st Happy Anniversary” is in order. The anniversary date of where our story began.