No Regrets

Well, we are closing out another year here on Earth. I don’t imagine time means much in Heaven. It’s hard to move into another year when I have lost a loved one in every year for the past four years.  And, on the other hand the excitement of a New Year is refreshing.  We just pray not to lose another this year, but as I get older it seems inevitable.

On the bright side; we all managed to make it through the holidays. As long as I could keep myself from going too deep in thoughts, I could manage to enjoy the time without too many tears or breakdowns. Spending the time with family definitely helps and keeping busy with things to do is a good distraction. It’s still so hard to imagine that BJ is gone. I still feel the warmth of his smile when I see him in my mind and when that smile turns to his one-of-a-kind grin, I grin too. I think of how hard it is for us and yet how peaceful it must be for him. I think about all the ways we miss him; in our thoughts and throughout our days and yet I know he is with us, smiling at us, protecting us, and maybe even up to his usual shenanigans with others! It’s still so hard to imagine I will never have him show up at the door, give me a jingle on the phone, or hear, “love you, mom.” I have always said, “If I die tomorrow, there is no doubt my family will know how much they mean to me and how much I love them.” The one thing I can take away from this tragedy is my son knew how much he was loved and I know how much he loved us; so for that there are no regrets.

This is where I say, “If you have relationships that need repaired or words that need to be said, there is no time like today because tomorrow may not come.” Don’t be someone that will have regrets or leave regrets in the end. The best gift you can give someone is the gift of forgiveness and it’s the least expensive and most rewarding.

For those that have lost a loved one in 2017 or over the holidays, I hope you find peace and comfort during your grieving journey. For those that have not experienced personal grief, please keep supporting those that have. You might be the light they need in a dark moment or the voice they need to hear in a lonely moment.  I pray for a healthy and happy 2018 for each of you. Until next year; from our family to yours…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas, Son

Merry Christmas, Son. It’s not the same without you here; hearts hurt and tears fall. Today was my first time at your cross with your daughter. After five wonderful days of having her with our family, I had to take her home…she was sad to leave us, but happy to see her mom again; just the way it should be. We took a holiday plant and a balloon picked out special by Cheyenne to your cross. It was the first time your baby brother had been to your accident site and I could tell it was harder than he let on. Your sweet friends had already been there and put up a Christmas tree; complete with ornaments of plastic toy construction equipment, empty bullet shells (including a few “silver bullets”), and Christmas balls. We picked up the windblown ones from the ground and placed them back on the tree. One of your friends even stopped as they were driving by to give us hugs. It was a bittersweet visit there and Cheyenne handles it so well and she said she kisses your picture every time she goes there. As we walked away, it took everything I had not to burst into tears but I could feel them falling inside of me. We miss you so much, son and Dillon said it best, and “our family feels broken.” With you and his dad in Heaven, and Bryan’s kids being separated, it’s just not the same and in many ways it leaves an eerie feeling in us. We are all grieving in one way or another.

 

This was such a joyful week with your little girl. We made Christmas cookies, had a little Christmas Party with some of your “west side of the mountain” friends, and sang Christmas Carols around your Forever Christmas Tree. We spent a night at your brothers so Chey could see her papa, uncle, and cousins and so we could celebrate Christmas with her. She had such a great time!!! Willy and Addy came home with us to spend a night and on our last day together we made Bath and Shower Bombs! We got in lots of snuggles, giggles, and made more special memories together.

 

Tis The Season

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 

Let’s face it; some of you are not feeling “jolly” which means happy and cheerful. Last year I certainly did not. I had recently lost my son and some days were down right unbearable. This year I am doing better, but some are not. Some people are experiencing their first Christmas without their child, spouse, uncle, auntie, etc. My heart breaks for them; because I know that pain. The pain of one less person to celebrate with, one less person at your table, one less gift to purchase, one less person period. It is an awful feeling, it is all consuming, and it takes everything you have to make it through one moment of one day. Every little thing reminds you in some way of that person that is no longer by your side, at the other end of the phone, or hugging you upon their arrival from across the mountain. You will sit and stare into space with thoughts of them filling your head and heart while tears are dripping down your face and you have a hollow feeling that moves to your throat as you try to catch your breath and just get through that moment. That moment, that one little moment; not even the day you still need to get through. I still have those moments, but they come less often, and they hurt a little less. Now my moments have shifted to a place of peaceful memories, loving thoughts, still tears that fall, but the lump in my throat isn’t there as often. The tears can still be uncontrollable and extremely painful, but the vision of BJ’s face and his infectious smile more often consume me than the heartache of his nonphysical self being present by our side or at our table. Instead of gifts purchased for him once or twice a year; I dedicate one or two days to him every single week; Tuesday and Forget YOU Not Friday. My gift is his memory and it carries on through his dad and me, his brothers, his nieces and nephews, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, his friends, and his single most precious gift he gave the world…his beautiful and spunky little girl – Cheyenne Leilani.  It’s impossible to look at his family and not see him; his smile, his “nose”, his humor, his personality…him, he’s all around us.

BJ the Dancing Tree

Oh, yes he would!

For A Better Day

Sometimes, it's the little things that are keeping us from the blessing - a little bitterness, a little compromise. It’s time to get rid of the little things. Joel Olsteen

Truth be told, this past Sunday is the first Sunday I have made it through a church service without crying since BJ died. In fact, I haven’t been inside the church nearly enough this last year and can count the times on one, maybe two hands. Sometimes it’s easier to attend from the sofa, in my jammies, with a cup of coffee in hand. Sometimes it was easier to get up from the sermon when I felt myself getting emotional, instead of letting the tears flow. I can do that in my own home. Watching Church is easy. “Doing” Church has been the challenge. And, sometimes it’s easier to wake up late, feel achy, have other things to do than it is to “do” Church. I won’t lie; I prayed for God to help me make it through the day without tears. Prayers answered, blessing received.

The little thing keeping me from my blessing – grief. Which really isn’t a little thing at all, but it was enough to keep me from “doing” Church which in turn keeps me from my blessing. The blessing of unity, love, peace, giving, and receiving…receiving God’s love, peace, and word…receiving love from others. I want to be blessed which means I need to quit standing in my own way so that I can receive all of my blessings rather than just some of them. Even though I can’t “get rid of” the little thing; in my case…grief, I can walk through it with God’s guidance, help, and love.

I often get asked two questions: 1. How are you doing? 2. Where do you find your strength? Sometimes the later comes as a statement rather than a question: You are a strong woman. 

How am I doing? I'm doing better. I still do life one day at a time, one thought at a time, and one memory at a time. I still focus on "what's next"; meaning what is the next thing on my calendar? What do I have coming up in the next couple of weeks? My business life I have to plan many months in advance because event planning takes months to execute. My personal life I plan the here and now, so totally the opposite and right now that is where I am finding my balance. Every day is good, some days are better.

Art by Dillon

Where do I find my strength? My immediate answer is God, without a doubt. My more in depth response is my understanding of the cycle of life and knowing where my son is, where my parents are, where Dillon's dad is; where those that have gone first are. And also knowing we will be together again someday. My heart breaks every time I think of BJ and that he is no longer on earth with us, but there is a ray of sunshine that lives in my heart; his place in my heart and that will never diminish. He would not want us sad in our life because he was denied a longer earthly life. He also knew we were only here until we weren't and that kept him living in the moment…fearless…"living the dream", as we would often hear him say; sometimes with sarcasm.  As I walk in grief, alongside my thirteen year old son, I am amazed by his strength as well. Within two short years, he lost his dad and his big brother. Dillon has a deep understanding of life, where they are now, and he will be with them again one day. And, I honestly think his deep rooted relationship with Jesus is what has given him strength. Together we walk this journey together. Together we have memories of wonderful people who are now are angels. Together we have knowledge of one day being reunited. God is good!

Christmas Traditions

I love Christmas! BJ and Bryan always enjoyed the Christmas Magic mom created in our home this time of year. The lighted village in the fireplace, the designer Victorian tree or the flocked tree with all purple decorations, the throw pillows covered in Christmas fabric, the many different flavors of baked goodies…but, their favorite thing by far was their dad bringing home a heaping pickup load of fresh snow from the mountain so they could have a “White Christmas”. We had a huge fir tree in the middle of our front yard and every year it donned bright lights from the tip top to the bottom and a big bright star at the top. Our little family of four would decorate the outdoors, from the BIG tree to each bush, the eaves, and each window; usually on the Saturday after Thanksgiving…rain or shine! And, most of the time it was dark when we were finished. Mom snuck in early to warm up and make hot cocoa for her little elves…and the BIG elf too! As important as decorating was on those days it was equally as important to warm the decorating crew from the inside out immediately after their task was complete. We would sit on the sofa and enjoy the fruits of our labor, while enjoying the yummy hot cocoa! The boys knew it was only a matter of time until there would be snow under that tree and we would have a white Christmas.

I’m thankful that in the midst of my loss, I can sit in my office looking out my window at BJ’s Forever Christmas Tree and so vividly remember the days of their youth and how this time of year was special for our family. The Christmas Spirit that Bill and I provided them carried with them as adults. As a parent it is magical to watch your kids perform their own grandeurs of Christmas; whether it is stories of going to the woods for a fresh cut tree or carrying on the tradition of getting each of their kids a new and personal ornament to hang on the tree each year. It warms a parent’s heart to know that you DID make a difference in their childhood, you did instill ethics and morals, you did provide them with traditions they will continue to carry on to their children.

2017 Ornaments

For us, BJ’s time was cut short and he doesn’t get the time to carry on traditions with his daughter. And truth be told, she may forget much about her dad by the time she reaches her mid-teens. I don’t mean to hurt anyone by saying that, but family…friends, it is the truth. Cheyenne will forget many things, but she will never forget her daddy and how much he loved her or how much she loves him.  Carrie as her mom, me as her grandma, and Bryan as her uncle must be the ones that continue to keep his memory with her. She will want that and she will need that. One day, as a young adult, she will look back and say, “I lost my dad when I was only six years old, but I still knew him growing up because he lived in my heart.” Ok, maybe not those exact words! J  The point is…it is up to the living to keep the memory alive of those that have gone before us and the children need us to do that; it is our duty.

This year, I will finally finish BJ’s stocking and it will hang with the rest of the family stockings. I feel sad that I did not get it done while he was alive, but he would say, “Mom, it’s just a stocking!”  Bryan, on the other hand, is still patiently waiting for his childhood scrapbook!

2016: New Ornament for BJ

His beloved '56 Willies Pickup

I am thankful that I feel Christmas Magic in my season again this year. I look forward to having Cheyenne visit for a few days. I have lots of plans!!! Cookie baking, gift wrapping, parties, and Christmas lights…oh my!

If this is your first Christmas without your loved one my advice is to do only what you want to do. It is a difficult time. Your heart is aching and your brain is trying to come to terms with what has happened. You may not feel like putting up a tree or even recognizing the season, but don’t forget the reason for the season; Christ’s Birthday. Give it to God and let him provide peace and healing.

On the other hand, you may want to be surrounded by family and friends, you may want to put up a tree, you may want to enjoy the hustle and bustle of the mall. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve; there is just grief and you. Handle each day as you can and remember to get up and get dressed.

Where I am, How I Got Here, Where I Want to Be

BJ would be proud of me. I sit at my desk, looking out the window, and staring at his Forever Christmas Tree. I feel hopeful that I can get my derailed train back on track. With life comes the joy of a bright future, devastation after the loss of a loved one (or many loved ones), and the “silver years”. I had my first visit with my new Wellness Coach this morning. We discussed where I am in life, how I got here, and where I want to be.

Where I am in life is simple: I am stuck! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not stuck in a place without movement or a place without growth. I have plenty of that; sometimes more “growth” than I would like (referencing weight here people!). I have felt off track for a while now; not just since losing BJ but since I lost myself in Fibromyalgia several years ago. All I wanted was the “old Peggy” back and when I was healed I felt like myself again and yet different. Life’s obstacles have a way of changing us; not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and socially too! I feel stuck because I know what I need to do and what I want to do, but they are not aligning with what I am doing. I have the desire, but not the ambition or energy. Most days I feel accomplished if I just get up, get dressed, get Dillon to school, and work…do my daily things. But in my mind, that is not enough for me. I want to devote time to my wellness: a better diet, get up and move more, get out of the house more, make the phone calls to people I want to check in on (instead of just think about them), and be healthy. My family needs me, they need me healthy, and they need me alive…literally! This is where I am in life.

How I got here might not be as simple. It took years of hard work and years of putting others first and ignoring me and my needs. And, it has taken years of loss…much loss and I need to recognize that as a whole not individualized. What does that look like? Well, in 1998 my 18 year marriage began to crumble around me. We were high school sweethearts, best friends, and did our best parenting together. Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to disconnect from each other. One person might be already emotionally checked out of the marriage whilst the other is hanging on for dear life. The one hanging on usually needs to find their own way to disconnect before they fully separate emotionally from the other. And then…begins the actual divorce, the paperwork, the proceedings, the money…yes, it costs money! Money you may not have, but yet this is happening so you have to pull yourself together emotionally so you can get yourself together financially. As the divorce was ensuing, BJ was a young man and with that came obstacles of his own. He made some poor life choices that landed him for a brief stay in “The State Hotel” for a few months. For him it was eye opening, scary, and life changing. For me it was heartbreaking, emotional, and scary. Our family never left his side. We visited him, I had many phone calls with him, I encouraged him…we never left his side. My reward was hearing him say, “You are my rock, mom. Thank you.”  We laid my mother to rest in 2002, I became a single parent at 41 years old in 2004, we laid my father to rest in 2006, I began my 5-year debilitating battle with Fibromyalgia in 2006, I helped one of my older boys through a divorce of his own in 2012-2013, we lost Dillon’s father in 2014, we lost Uncle Jack in 2015, we lost BJ in 2016, and we lost my oldest brother in 2017. That is how I got here.

Where I want to be is simple and yet complicated at the same time. I know where I want to be, how I want to be, and even know what I need to do. My being is broken and that is the obstacle. It’s not just my heart that is broken. My spirit is broken. I am broken emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically. It’s hard to put me back together because I know that I am different than I once was and I have a tendency to help others before I help myself.  I want to be healthy and for me that means: emotionally ready to continue through this journey of grief, mentally prepared to not give up on myself  or my desires, physically ready to do the work I desire to do to eat with more wholesomeness and get up and move around more. I have all these wonderfully creative ideas and crafts I want to do; I buy the supplies and they often sit aside undone. I desire to change that. I desire to get out of the house more and be more social. I desire to be healthy. This is where I want to be.

About forty minutes into my wellness session, when I was finished telling her all of the above about me, she looked at me and she understood why I was in her office. It wasn’t to be fixed or be told what to do. She asked me if she could write me a prescription, have me come back, and hold me accountable during this process. She was almost giddy as she wrote my prescription; she said it is one of her favorite parts of the appointment because it means we have set some goals in a short amount of time. My prescription can’t be filled at the pharmacy; it will hang on my message board. It reads: Eat more wholesome foods, use your Fitbit - get up every hour, and walk 5,000 steps a day. These are goals we agreed together…after she smiled and told me, “I see a woman with great strength and a peaceful glow sitting in front of me. You have been through years of loss and are doing great through it all. You inspire me.” I honestly didn’t see that coming, but I know BJ would be proud of me, where I am, and where I want to be.

If you are in a similar place; for any reason at all, reach out to someone, write down your feelings, don't give up. She also told me that one of the best things a person can do for themselves is to write down there feelings; it is very therapeutic and I can testify to that. This blog is my corner of loss, a place to release my feelings (good and bad) without judgement, and a place for others to feel hope, love, and that they are not alone. Today is December 1, 2017; the first day of the final month of the year. In a few short weeks we will start a fresh new year and we will log another year of memories for future reference.

Why Not Me?

I heard something the other day and it really made me think. So often when things aren’t as we planned; we lose a job, get a divorce, our child dies…we think, why me? Why do bad things happen to me? The message was…why not me? Bad things happen. Why shouldn’t they happen to me? I am not immune to bad things and neither are you. Fatal accidents happen every single day, someone loses a job because it’s not a good fit, or we divorce because of many different reasons. So, why not to me?

On the other hand, I’ll be 100% honest and admit that I have never said that. True, I have never said, “Why do bad things happen to me?” But some people do say that. I realize it is part of life. I surely wish my youngest son had not lost his father and I whole-heartedly wish my oldest son had not died last year, but they are both gone…waiting for us “on the other side” as some say. I hurt everyday missing them, but I don’t know that I’ve ever said, "Why do bad things happen to me?" However, I have said, “Why did you want them already, God? Why did you want them when we still need them? Why must I raise my son alone? Why must my granddaughter go through life without her daddy?” Those questions I have asked, but again, I know the evolution of life and none of us are here forever. Thankfully, we can be together again forever and that brings peace in time of turmoil.

Maybe you are hurting or you are thinking, “why me?” Why did God give me a difficult child? Why can’t I be independently wealthy?  Why can’t I be the skinny one? Why did we break our marriage vows? Why did my child die? Remember, it has to be somebody. I have learned I am stronger than I ever realized and if God brings me to it, He will bring me through it. Even in my darkest hours, He does not leave my side and I survive the unimaginable.

Every Day I Miss You

Black Friday shopping is bittersweet now. I used to have it all figured out; what I would get each of you every year.  Things changed when we lost you and now my brain just doesn’t function the same as it used to. Sometimes I am on top of things and other times…not so much…sigh. I still remember the last Christmas present I got you; a Blu-Ray DVD player and the full Blu-Ray DVD Fast & Furious collection. I imagine this year I would have gotten you the Fate of the Furious!

As I was preparing my shopping list, as I do every year, I came across my original “Black Friday List”, an Excel file…yea; I’m a nerd like that! The same file I renamed Black Friday 2015; the last Christmas you were with us. Every year when I begin making my list I remove all of the previous year’s contents to start anew. I couldn’t bring myself to delete you from the list last year; so I didn’t. I made a new list. It’s all those little things we don’t think about; the things that are in our heart and in our head.

Christmas 1999

As I returned home this morning after my annual Fred Meyer early morning shopping extravaganza, I hid all my purchases and crawled back into bed to finish my night’s sleep. I couldn’t do it; you were in my head son. I wept thinking about what to write for today’s Forget You Not Friday post because I miss you so much. I’m doing life but I miss you and as much as a dearly love your brothers and all the kiddos there is a void in my heart. There will always be a void there, because that is your place in my heart. No one can fill it. It sits there with the memories of you, my love for you, and the painstaking heartache I feel since you died. The pain that is so deep all you can feel is a huge lump in your throat and it doesn’t go away until the tears stop.

January 2013; Celebrating Christmas 2012

I’m glad I have this little corner of my world where I can talk to you, BJ…where I can get my feelings out. They’re not being bottled up, brewing with pressure until the cork finally pops. I release them a little bit each week and I really think that helps me keep things in check. It helps me keep moving in life and through this journey of grief. Every day I miss you. Every day I love you. Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven, son.

This year you are honored with snowmen.

Snow....your favorite thing about winter!

Fresh Prince, Christmas, Snow...These are a Few of my Favorite (BJ) Things!

Texts, emails, photos, videos, handmade gifts…these are the things we cherish the most; especially after the loss of a loved one. I know, you might be thinking…texts? Emails? You will “get it” after you lose someone. Even the silliest of texts can bring a smile to your face or a written “love you too mom” will bring tears to your eyes. Of course it also makes you miss them more too! I can’t be more thankful to have the “Fresh Prince” video of BJ. The sound quality stinks, but he is dancing, there is a smile on his face, he is interacting with his nephew, and he is in typical BJ form. I see it and I ache with pain because I miss him so much and in the same moment I am filled with happiness to see him moving, smiling, and full of life; that is how I chose to remember my son.

1998 (ish)

2014

I don’t typically EVER decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving and the past few years it has been a challenge to decorate at all. But, I have this sweet young man, a teenager, that lost his dad three years ago and his oldest brother a year ago…well, he has asked me not once, but twice if we can decorate for Christmas this weekend…before Thanksgiving. I tried to explain to him when I usually decorate, but who am I to deny my child? So, this year the turkey will share his day with the HO-HO-HO.

The sky is blue, the ground is wet, and the sun is out. It seems a good day to do some outdoor decorating, so we will begin Operation Christmas Decorating with BJ’s Forever Tree. When I say "we", I really mean "me" because he's still sick and not much energy. :) I wonder if we will get snow tomorrow. We had a dusting of snow the day after we got and decorated his tree yesterday, so I say, “Bring on the snow!”  Nothing makes me feel closer to my son during the winter than the snow, the beauty of the snow, and knowing his love for the “white stuff”. One more thing that makes me smile all while missing him terribly!

Keep On Keeping On

When you lose a loved one, one of the most difficult times to get through is the holiday season and even more so, if you have recently experienced loss. That is where I was a year ago and maybe you are in that place this year. If you are, next year might be a bit better.  I don’t really know that it is a “bit better” but instead of going through the motions this holiday season I have made a vow to myself to enjoy the season again. I’ll be honest; I don’t quite know what that looks like yet. I miss my son terribly. My heart hurts for his daughter and brothers that miss him so much. We are family. We get through the highs and we get through the lows and losing BJ was most definitely the lowest of lows for us.  It happened in October, right before we get in full holiday spirit and it was difficult to do that last year. In fact, it is pretty much a blur for me. He would want us to celebrate as we have always done. Again, I don’t know what that looks like for me this year but I have six beautiful grandchildren and two wonderful sons still on earth with me. They depend on me and they need me just as I need them.

BJ's Forever Christmas Tree

If this is your first holiday season without your loved one all I can suggest is to do what feels right for you in the moment. Perhaps you are going through grief of a different type: a divorce, job loss, separation for any other reason…don't discount that or think your grief is any less devastating than the loss of a person. For you in this moment, it quite possibly is devastating. I have made it through many types of grief; the loss of a 20 year marriage, the loss of a job(s), the loss of my parents, my brother, my sons father, and now my son. As you may imagine, none of the other grief journeys compare to the loss of my child. I have learned a lot about myself and about other people. I have learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought possible, I am more compassionate for others knowing I could lose them at any time, and I live more in the "now" than in the "future". My "holiday advice" (if I dare use the word advice!) is...…Don’t do what others expect. Don’t do things you don’t want to do and if that is completely different than what you have done in holidays past it is ok…you are grieving and you come first. I pray that God brings peace and comfort over you during this time. I pray for your wisdom to know there is light in the tunnel you are traveling through right now.  And I pray for brighter days and restful nights. Keep on keeping on…one day at a time.

Today is a Better Day

We all have good days and we all have bad days, but what we should say is, “all days are good; some days are better.” Someone I know just lost her husband and that is her grief mantra. It really is important to remember that your loved one would want you to continue living even though they aren’t on earth to share life with you anymore. Live your life with purpose. Live your life with desire. Live your life with goodness. Live your life.

I am blessed to spend this day with people I love, people that bring happiness to my life, and people that loved and lost BJ too. Dillon is spending this holiday weekend with his cousins and his aunty; his daddy’s sister and he loves them dearly. I am spending the weekend with BJ’s Aunt Jenny, her kiddos, and just for an enhanced good time I brought my grandson Willy with me. It is joyful to spend time sharing good memories about BJ and making new memories without him, but always with him in our hearts. Tonight I get to share our latest family tradition with her. A tradition that BJ started on our trip to South Carolina, a few months before he died. As a thank you to the family we visited I wanted to make them a homemade spaghetti dinner. As I was cooking, BJ insisted we needed a side of bacon with the dinner. I will admit…I thought he was nuts but we cooked up some bacon to go with dinner anyway.  It has become a tradition with our family and now we are sharing that tradition with his Aunt Jenny…who looked at me like I was crazy when I started cooking the bacon as she was making the salad. :)

All days are good, some days are better. Today is a “better day”.

3 Blind Mice

Three blind mice…three blind mice...see how they run…see how they run…

And so the mice invasion began. (Read last week's blog for the prequel.) You know, on the day we would later be celebrating the life of our BJ. I realize I needed a distraction, but I can think of many other distractions that would have been welcomed at that point; a massage, a day at the beach…anything other than mice thinking they can move into my home! After I cleaned up under the sink I really did put the thought out of my head. I was just beginning my grief journey after all.

The weekend before Thanksgiving and two weeks after BJ’s Celebration of Life, I retreated north of Seattle to spend the weekend with family. Let’s face it, life as I knew it was over, I lost a child, I was a mess, and when I wasn’t crying I was numb. I needed a break, I needed a change of scenery, and I needed to be able to grieve. The drive was good, the holiday lights along the way were lovely, and it was just plain nice to leave home for a short time. Jenny and I played many rounds of Bananagrams while the kids kept us well entertained. It was the distraction that was needed until we had to go back home on Sunday.

I was getting settled into bed. Dillon was working on one of his many projects in his room. It was nice just to be in jammies in the comfort of my bed; until I heard Dillon holler for me. I went to him and he proceeded to tell me that he thought he saw a mouse in his room and he was pretty sure it was hiding out under his dresser. “How do you know,” I asked. “Because I used my flashlight to look under there. It is in the far corner and I can see its beady little eyes!” he responded. I let out a heavy sigh, grabbed my own flashlight, knelt down to take a look for myself; all the while thinking Lord, I really don’t need this right now…I really don’t want to deal with this tonight! Sure enough, those beady little eyes were staring back at me! I immediately went downstairs to grab a “snap trap” from the garage; until now, the only other place we had seen a mouse since moving in the prior year. At that time we killed three before insisting the landlord follow up with pest control. All I could think is…THEY’RE BAAAACK!

I loaded up the trap with some peanut butter and set it up right next to the dresser. “Loaded up” is an exaggeration; I barely put any inside the loop where they have to work for it. I set it up and went off to do something else. Dillon called for me again. Again I went to his room. “Mom, I just watched the mouse come out, eat the peanut butter, and run back under the dresser! Shouldn’t it have trapped him, mom?”  “Um, yes” I responded in my irritated voice. By this time it was 9:00 and the last thing I wanted to be doing this Sunday night was chase a stinking mouse around the house, but hey a girl has to do what a girl has to do! We sat on the edge of Dillon’s bed for a bit; hammer in his hand. He was certain he could trip the trap and catch the mouse if it came out again; well it didn’t. I threw on my slippers and coat; I was off to Walgreen’s, the closest store that I imagined had any mouse paraphernalia. I bought several snap traps, electronic repellents, and the condominium traps that I still feel are useless. As I was loading the snaps with peanut butter I heard some rustling in the reusable grocery bag that I earlier emptied from our trip. I was puzzled; it was on top of a box that was on top of something else…surely a mouse couldn’t be in there. Oh boy was I wrong. I mouse there was! NOOOOOOOOOOO!  I gasped, grabbed the bag, ran out to the front street and shook the mouse out of the bag.  Probably the most humane treatment I have given one of those uninvited houseguests and he probably ran back in the house before I did! Just sayin’! Oh, now my blood was boiling, it’s 10:30 pm, and all I want to do is get some sleep. I strategically placed the three electronic repellents where they could work the majority of the open space, I set some snap traps in areas where we spotted the rodents, and I was going to bed. Clearly Dillon had no interest in crawling into his bed that night and besides my bed sits about 2 ½ feet off the ground. Finally, my bed….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

We were nestled, relaxing to TV while trying to relax enough to sleep…..S-NAP! We both looked at each other and he asked, “My room?” I responded, “I have no idea. You stay here, I will go check.”  I just wanted him to get some sleep; after all he had school the following day. I first checked his room; nope, everything was untouched. I went downstairs to check the kitchen and there it was…a mousey trapped by its foot. Oh my gosh; are you kidding me? He’s trapped, he’s squirming, and I’m freaking out! I can pick up the trap with the deceased rodent and put the entire thing in a bag and give it a proper burial in the garbage can, but I can’t deal with one that is squirming and I shouldn’t have to. FYI: snap traps are a dollar store cheapo and I would much rather toss the entire thing than to remove…well you get the picture! Dillon came to my rescue and well, I disposed of it. I grabbed the disinfectant wipes cleaned up the hammer and the ground around where the trap had sat.

Take two: We were nestled in bed, trying to relax to TV after taking care of mouse business…..S-NAP! Seriously, again!? Again, I told Dillon to stay in bed and I was off to find the filled trap. We got the little hummer that was hanging out under the dresser; I removed the remains, cleaned up, and went back to bed; now wondering if I will ever get any sleep this night. Dillon sat up and said he was going to take a shower so maybe he could sleep. The shower has been Dillon’s “place” since he lost his daddy over three years ago. He has taken up to five showers in one day. He finds comfort, he prays, he cries, and now as he is getting older, listens to a lot of music.

We caught three, things were quieting down, and now maybe, just maybe I can get some sleep…S-NAP!  NOOOOO!  YESSSSSS! No, I just want to sleep! Yes, we killed another little sucker! By this time, Dillon was a sleep. It was another in his room. I set more traps, cleaned things up, and then went back to bed. Finally, I was asleep too. I checked things the next morning; the traps were empty and we went about our day. I contacted the landlord to let them know the mice had crossed the barrier into the house and we needed to address this situation immediately; pest control was scheduled for the following day. The day was quiet. I was chatting on the phone with a friend, telling her my mice story and she asked if I had caught more this day. I said, “Nope, they must be hiding out!” S-NAP! No kidding; while I was talking with her on the phone I caught another.

Pest Control confirmed that the bait which was originally in the traps the previous year, under the house, in the garage, and outdoors, was gone. He reloaded all of them. He told me that he rarely goes into someone’s home that has set the traps up exactly as they should be set; against the wall, two or more 6-8” apart in a row, and very little peanut butter…just enough to give them a scent. I almost felt he was congratulating me…um, ok?! But when he told me that for every one we see there are 10-12 we don’t see! OMG…are you kidding me!? I told him I had walked the parameter of every room and couldn’t find any droppings and I know mice can poop…A LOT! He also checked and couldn’t see any. So, “along the wall”? Yes, mouse traps need to be set up against a wall with the trap coming down towards the wall. The reason is simple; mice are blind, they run along the walls and boxes, etc. because their whiskers feel the wall. So, three blind mice, three blind mice, see how they run, see how they run…

So far, so good, praying the uninvited guests stay away this winter. I hope this brought some laughter to your life today!

I'm Up and I'm Dressed

Solemn thoughts…about this Friday…a year ago…

That first two weeks are pretty much a blur; I can’t tell you who was here exactly when or on what day I did what. All I know is I had people in and out of my house staying with me, helping me prepare for the afterlife; you know…the life after you’ve lost your loved one. My memory bank has always been much like my mother’s; you ask me when something happened or when someone did what and I can narrow it down to the year or the month…and sometimes, even the day. But, not those first two weeks of losing my son; they are a blur. On this Friday last year, I was preparing for a houseful of people. Family and friends coming from all over the United States; the furthest coming from South Carolina…one of his best friends, the friend we had just, three months prior, trekked across the US to see, in the same truck that crushed him…the same truck that rest on him as he took his last breath. I still shiver and tear up thinking of my son lying there, on the cold, wet ground, and what thoughts must have been going through his mind knowing he was at the end of his life on earth. Sigh, take a breath, recompose myself…

“I’m up and I’m dressed”…my mantra the first few weeks. I knew BJ would not want me to lose myself. He would expect me to get up, get dressed, and carry on, so I did. Today, I am still processing all that has happened, the loss of my oldest child, and what keeps me going every day. I won’t lie; I have had a few days that I have stayed in bed or days that I haven’t gotten dressed. Not because they were unbearable days, but because I was exhausted or just needed a down day. But, I can count those days on one hand not two, so considering the flipside and where else I could’ve ended up on this journey of grief I am ok with that and I think BJ would be too; or at least I tell myself that.

My house filled up that weekend as we prepared to “love him, but let him go”, as I pulled together photos of his life that would scroll on the big screen for all to see, as I prepared to meet and greet his loving friends and family that would make the trip to honor their loved one that they just lost. That Friday was filled with last minute shopping and family arriving late into the night. Saturday was a day I allowed myself a pedicure and wine, dinner and shared memories of BJ with friends, some of his cousins, two of his aunties, and his brother; while more people were arriving late into the night. Much of Sunday was a blur, except the mice…that memory is embedded in my brain. That morning, the 8+ people that were sharing 1200 square feet of space were taking turns in the shower, sharing memories over coffee, making bacon maple bars, and even sharing some laughter from BJ stories. The morning was good…until….some uninvited guests showed up. The house was somewhat quiet with two people making a last minute store run, one person in the backyard indulging in coffee and a “smoke”, while the other few were upstairs getting themselves together for the day. However, I decided to take advantage of the time and clean up the kitchen that had mass amounts of bacon and maple bars everywhere. All was going fine, dishes were getting rinsed and in the dishwasher, recycling finding its way to the container, and garbage getting put in the bag. Wait a minute, what’s that I see under my sink? Mouse droppings?! You’ve got to be kidding me! Today of all days…are you kidding me!? I don’t need this and I certainly don’t want to deal with it. Mice are cute little critters…as long as they don’t try to move into my dwelling! I swiftly grabbed my dustpan and brush, cleaned up the mess, and carried on. Really didn’t give it another thought. I dodged a bullet…so to speak. My bestie that was staying here didn’t know (until she reads this…if she does) and she would have freaked out…not her cup of tea. The others would have likely taken it with a grain of salt (and have already heard my "mice story").

Everyone gathered in my living room, my sister and her family met us here, we loaded the car, and we were off for a day that was sure to be a day fitting of my son. A day we would celebrate his much too short life and a day filled with hugs and many, many tears. That’s the part of the day that was a blur. I saw many people, I hugged many people, and I heard many memories of my son, but my heart hurt so much that I don’t remember much about that day. As quickly as my house filled, it emptied, and then I had to learn to live with what had happened; that my son was suddenly gone. My heart still hurts and I still have a hard time remembering what has happened (and when) over this past year and two weeks, but I still get up and I still get dressed and I still carry on…just as BJ would want.

Celebrating Life

As you might imagine one of the most difficult parts of loss is the funeral, graveside service, Celebration of Life, or any combination of them…the finality of the devastation that has just consumed your life. Our immediate family is small and we are very close. The final celebration of our loved ones life needed to be as special as he was to us. The decisions had clarity, were made swiftly, and consumed our lives for the better part of two weeks. When you lose someone, the plans do not take care of themselves; often a funeral home will take care of that part for you. We knew immediately, our family would plan this day and as MOM and the event planner of the family I took the helm to begin planning. How does one plan a Celebration of Life?  The outline below shows you just that. You don’t have to read through the process if it’s not your thing, but there are some things I feel important to share and for anyone facing the dilemma of this task I hope my notes will bring a source of help to you during this difficult time. This is a time when we don’t think clearly, life is a blur, and we are trying to come to terms with the unimaginable…the loss of a loved one.

2016 Jack-o-lanterns by BJ, Cheyenne, & Teri

 Steps to Plan a Celebration of Life 

1.       Find a venue

2.       Theme 

3.       Plan the menu

4.       Invitations

5.       Decorations

6.       Celebration brochure

7.       Event Insurance

8.       The Help

  1.       The venue. There are some questions you need to ask yourself. 

a.       What is the most fitting for the guest of honor. Yes, they are the guest of honor. They are the reason you are coming together. They are the life you are celebrating. They are THE GUEST OF HONOR.

b.      What kind of gathering do you imagine? Will it be small and intimate? Will it be large and spacious? Will it be in between?  That might be best answered by: how many guests do you anticipate?  For my situation, I knew we could be at least 200 and upwards of 250. We ended up with 250-ish. My son is a country boy at heart, a modern day redneck,  a bonfire kind of guy so this meant I wanted something lodge-like, a country feel. Don't forget it needed adequate parking and space for up to 300 guests.  Portland is big, but the challenge was set. Four days later I found the perfect place.  You might think that didn't take long, but it took four days of multiple phone calls, site visits, emails, and the persistence of three of us. So four days seemed long to us!

c.       How many guests do you project?  You might get an idea by the responses to emails, texting, social media. It really is a guessing game, at best.

d.      How much parking do you need? Will people carpool?

e.      Will you have travelers? Traveling via cars, airplane? Do you need hotel accommodations in the area?

f.        Will you need a food prep area?

g.       Will you be serving any liquor? Not all places allow that or can accommodate that. If you are serving liquor you are required to carry a special insurance policy and to have a licensed bartender to serve. This is an Oregon State requirement. Check your state for their requirements.

2.       The theme. Will you have a theme? For us, the Guest of Honor dictated our theme. Green; his favorite color was green, his Willy's is green, money is green…well, you get the idea. 

3.       The menu. 

a.       Will you be providing a meal? Appetizers? Desserts? Beverages? You will need to figure that out.

b.      Will food be catered? Will there need to be prep space at the venue?

c.       Will you ask for potluck?

4.       The invitation. We kept it simple…social media and word of mouth. It was open to all who knew my son.

5.       The décor. This can be what you make it. For me it was lots of pictures. I wanted to share his life, his beautiful, well-lived life with everyone. He was an artist and not many people knew that. We displayed his artwork. We displayed his love of his 56 Willy truck. We displayed his love of family. We displayed his remains.

6.       The brochure. I wanted something that spoke something about my son. I chose a "This is BJ's Story" theme. A niece helped me find the idea. I started writing…started with his birth and ended…well with the end of his life. I highlighted things that I thought were important, things that shaped him into the person he had become, and the person that was loved by so many. It was a simple half-fold card style with his story on the inside pages. The front was simple; his name, his picture, dates of existence…all with a beautiful green background. The back was a light-hearted, sentiment telling his loved ones to love him, but let him go…I signed it by my son.  This would be the message he would want to give them.

a.       You may not have a program to do this yourself and that is ok. You might know someone that can. There are suppliers online. Make it what you want it.

7.       The insurance.  It's called Event Insurance. Save yourself headaches and buy it online, print the document and give it to the facility. It is inexpensive; less than $130. It's a million dollar policy and well worth it.

8.       The help. Delegate! You do not need and you should not do this alone. 

a.       Areas where you can delegate is anything that you are not capable of doing. It is either too painful, it's not your area of expertise, it will consume too much of your physical time. Start by choosing what you WILL do and delegate the rest. People are happy to help because they want to do something for you in your time of crisis. Let them! You are no lesser a person for not doing it all.

b.      I am an event planner and a creative designer so I knew I would organize everything, be the decision maker, and design the room layout, his Life Brochure, and décor needs. The rest I delegated, but what did that look like?

                                       i.            Menu: That was easy. We decided on a theme fitting for the Guest of Honor. He loved Mexican food, Bacon, and Coors Light.  That might seem like an odd combination, but it made perfect sense to us and it came together beautifully. We provided most of the Mexican items and Coors Light; we had guests bring their favorite Bacon themed appetizer or dessert. We had more food than you could possibly imagine!  I delegated a niece as Head Chef; she organized where/when items were to be purchased and she ran the show that day. She was an angel sent to me!

                                     ii.            Venue: As I already mentioned, I had two people that were helping me find the perfect venue. Even though the family made the final decision, they did the leg work, phone calls, emails, etc.

                                    iii.            Out of town guests: my niece found accommodations close to the venue and even though we couldn't get a discounted rate, the rate was doable.

                                   iv.            Liquor: A no-brainer you think? Well, we had to find a bartender and so another niece took on this task. She coordinated all details with the bartender; including the fee, location, and times. My other son was in charge of getting the kegs there. The venue was fully equipped with a  bar area, taps, ice, etc. This made the venue perfect in its own right. Did I mention it had a full kitchen and serving area as well?

                                     v.            Décor: I took on this task with the help of family and friends. One of my sons best friends works for a party décor place and they provided all the linens and serve ware that was needed for the day. A gem and a huge relief for me. Tables were provided by the venue and they would do the set up to my specifications. For a small fee they did the tear down and clean up too! 

If you have read through this and are planning a service for your loved one, my prayers are with you during this difficult time. If you have any questions please reach out to me through the “Contact Mom” link and I will be happy to help you through your journey.  If you know of someone that can benefit from this blog post or any other blog post please share freely and often.

Throw a Fit!

I suppose some people think you get over grief. I also suppose those same people have never lost someone so dear to them that it shook them to their core that they literally felt their stomach in their throat, or that after a year a part of them still can’t believe that loved one is gone. There are those moments, not every day anymore, but still very often. I’ll get lost in a daze, drifting in thought, and BAM…it hits me in the face! He’s gone! He’s never coming back! I’m not going to see him driving up to my house, stepping out of his truck, walking up to the door, and throwing his arms around me and saying, “hi mom, I made it.” Never again. The next time I see him will be when I am walking through the “pearly gates” and he, along with others that have gone before me, are waiting to greet me and then…that will be the next time I get one of those legendary hugs of his. Sometimes the pain of loss sits in my throat and then I explode in a “fit of grief”. I cry uncontrollably. I turn to God and ask, “Why did you take him from us? Why did you take him so soon? Why was it his time?” And then I bounce back and know the answer is simple and yet complicated; it was his time. We are all on Earth until we aren’t and only God knows how long we are here for; our days are set even before we are born. Even though I don’t have answers to my questions I know how this works, I know where he is, and he visits me in dreams and for that I am blessed.

A “fit of grief” you might ask? Yes, that is what I call those moments described above. My body is throwing a fit and it is necessary in this journey. Your body and your mind need an outlet to stay healthy. This blog is my outlet for my mind; it helps me release the feelings I might otherwise keep bottled up or that I might continually bestow on some unwilling recipients. Many people do not know what to say to those of us that talk about our loss, our grief and that is ok. It just means they care about our feelings and our feelings are unknown to them so they don’t want to say something or do something that might upset our apple cart.  Usually we don’t need them to say anything; we just need to know it is ok for us to talk about our loved one, what happened to them, and how much we miss them. If you are the recipient of someone going through grief; just be there, that’s usually all we need. Even though we are broken, we don’t need fixed. We just need to release what is inside. Talking (or writing) isn’t the only release…tears, we need to shed tears. It is necessary for our body to detox the ugly and grief is ugly at times and at other times it is beautiful…like when we are filled with joyful memories. Parents that are going through grief – your kids need to see you grieve; they need to see you cry. They need to know that it’s ok and that it is part of the process. If they don’t see you grieve, they will likely not know how to do it themselves and they need the release to. They are hurting; they lost a loved one too! Let them process their feelings. Talk to them about how they feel or ask them to draw a picture about their loved one…but, whatever you do, help them and remember, kids acknowledge their loss 18-24 months after the death of their loved one. Be prepared and help them through it. If you don’t know how, most cities have grief support groups for kids with kids their own age group. We went to the Dougy Center when Dillon lost his dad and it was very beneficial for him. He didn’t have to talk about what happened if he didn’t want to but just being with other kids his own age that had lost a parent or sibling is comforting to a child. Let them throw their fit of grief and let them see you throw yours. You need to, your body needs you to, and it’s ok! Throw a fit!

As many know I am a professional event planner. I mostly plan educational conferences; about 10-12 conferences a year and I get to travel all over Oregon to manage them. Last week was spent in Pendleton and I just returned home from Newport where the weather on the coast was gorgeous. Last year, six days after returning from Central Oregon my son was killed in a car accident, in Central Oregon.  I’ve planned luaus, graduation parties, birthday parties, girl’s weekends, girl’s nights, and many kids’ birthday parties…but NEVER, EVER did I imagine planning a Celebration of Life for someone, let alone my own child. It was the worst…the worst thing a parent is forced to do…and yet, I wanted it perfect for him and fitting of him and that began by finding a venue that was just right. You know, like Goldie Locks…too hard, too soft, just right. Well, that’s how I felt…this one is too trashy, this one is too small, this one just doesn’t feel like BJ, and then, in what seemed like months later I found it. The one that was just right; it was the perfect size, had lots of parking, had a play area for kids, had a kitchen, had a bar, had a huge stone fireplace, was a lodge, and it felt just like BJ! From the moment I drove up, I knew this was the place. And, yes, it was much more expensive than some of the other places, but they also offered a nice discount for this “occasion”; which was not an “occasion” to me at all. But, it really was the perfect final gathering place for my son.