8 Things I Love About
BJ: His Heart
I am choosing his heart first because I think our heart is
what defines us as a person. Do we have a good heart? Do we have a dark
heart? Hands down…BJ had a good heart.
That doesn’t mean he was exempt from mistakes or bad decisions along the way,
because let’s face it; we all have made a bad decision or two.
BJ had the best of hearts from the beginning; he was an “easy
baby”, a joyful toddler, a curious youth, a thrill-seeking teen, and a devoted
father, son, brother, and friend. Because he was my firstborn he taught me how
to be a mom and taught me how to give love unconditionally. I learned quickly that I love my children no
matter how much they tested their boundaries and regardless of decisions they
made that I would’ve made differently.
BJ had some struggles through his young adult years and that is when I
told him, “I may not like some of your decisions, but I will always love you
unconditionally.” You see, just like any other person, we can love our children
unconditionally but not always “like” them, their character, or their
decisions. Like and Love are two very different feelings. Because of
unconditional love and dedication as a mother I was lucky enough to hear him
tell me that I was “his rock”. He could have chosen anyone else, but he chose
me. He came to me at his lowest times
and he came to me for direction. It is an honor to be someone’s rock and to
feel how much you are needed.
As I have mentioned in other posts, BJ was born with a hole
in his heart. We all are, but most close by the time one reaches age 1. For
those that do not close up, that hole then becomes a murmur. Many people live
every day with a murmur; BJ could not. At age 20 months BJ’s was the size of a
quarter and was located between the right and left ventricle; which is known as
an Atrial Septal Defect (ASD). At 21 months old BJ had open –heart surgery to
place a patch over the hole. That defect
and that repair never slowed him down. We always felt lucky that our little boy
who had his heart repaired at such a young age grew up to be happy, healthy,
and had one of the biggest hearts.
When we say someone has a “big heart” of course that really
has nothing to do with the physical size of their heart. It means they are
caring, compassionate, and giving; to name a few traits. Having a big heart is
something you are born with and is a result of the experiences you have been
through in life. BJ had a lot of life experiences and a big heart. He lived a
full life and learned a lot along the way of his 35 years, 5 months, and 4 days
on earth. He loved unconditionally and he loved big. I’m honored that God chose
me to be his mom. I miss him terribly; every day, but I am learning to do life
this way. I’m learning that even though he left earth he didn’t leave our
hearts. I’m learning that I’m stronger than I ever imagined, because I never
imagined one of my babies dying before me. I never imagined the all-consuming
pain our body and hearts feel or that I could produce so many tears and so
often. I never imagined my life without BJ, but I am learning to live with him
in Heaven instead of Central Oregon…but it sucks!
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