February Series - 8 Things I Love About BJ, Blog 3: His Fearlessness

8 Things I Love About BJ: His Fearlessness

As soon as we put BJ on a dirt bike we knew he had no fear. He pushed his limits and quickly earned the nickname “Crash”. Even though we lived in the heart of a large city his dad would find time to take him and his brother places to learn to ride their dirt bikes and often. BJ was a Kawasaki boy while his brother started out on a Suzuki. They both rapidly learned the fundamentals of maneuvering a bike with a motor and neither of them feared the power they were riding. BJ intensely authorized the use of full throttle to the point of crash upon crash; none with serious repercussions until he was in high school. That one time, while out riding the powerlines somewhere east of Vancouver, he crashed hard, pulled ligaments and tore up his leg. That one incident ended his football career before it had a chance to begin. That didn’t slow him down for long. Soon he was indulging driving the mountain roads in his ’56 Willies; his first truck and his main truck.

Even though BJ rode through life with a “no fear” mentality once he became a father he also became more cautious. There was nothing more important to him than his daughter. He would give things more thought before just “doing” and the fearless things were just different than before.

I admire that he would try new things and that he never feared the unknown. Many of us are too fearful to try something new; whether it is a food, an activity, or a change in life…sometimes fear is stronger than trust in ourselves, in our abilities, or in our own judgement. At 20 years old, BJ had tried more foods than I had at 37. In fact, for his 20^th birthday I told him I would take him anywhere he wanted for his birthday dinner. He chose Todai’s; a then popular sushi restaurant in downtown Portland. I was amazed that he was trying everything in the buffet; even Octopus! He did not fear the taste of something new. I was impressed.

Shortly after BJ died I found out he had went zip-lining; just weeks before his death. Those pictures were some of the happiest I had seen of him. He had no fear to try new things; in fact…he usually embraced it. As I looked at the pictures, I could hear his shrieks of exhilaration in my head; his screams of excitement and the yahoo’s at the top of his lungs. My boy lived life to the fullest, didn’t fear the unknown, and in many ways lived more life than many of us still here. He may not have always done things the proper way or the permissible way; but they were always the BJ way. I admire the boy, the young man, and the adult that my son encompassed as a human. I admire that he lived his life through his choices and steadfast in his decisions without fear of what would lie ahead. I imagine on that night, October 20, 2016, he did not fear the end but dreaded knowing in that split second what the end meant for him, for his daughter, and for his family. It is with tears upon tears that I continue this journey of grief, but it is also with tears upon tears of joy that I have so many memories of a wonderful son that lived a fearless life. You are now and will always be the first little love of my life, the little boy that first had me wrapped around their finger, and the one that has brought me to the most excruciating pain a parent can ever feel. I miss you so much, baby and I am so thankful for all the memories you have left us with. Forever you remain in our hearts and a part of us.