My Everything's

I have been on a rollercoaster for the past 9 weeks with this pending home purchase. Who knew it would be such a wild ride? It was consuming everything I had, so after about 5 weeks I took back control of me. I stopped getting anxious at every setback and stopped getting excited at every victory. I started packing, stopped packing, packed some more, stopped again…and here I am 9 weeks later still unsure if this will even work or if we will ever move into what we thought was our future.

I am saddened to think this is all because I chose to live the “American Dream” seven years ago and become an Independent Contractor (for the second time in my life); work for myself, work from home, and work my own calendar. I don’t understand the logic in penalizing the self-employed that want to provide a secure lifestyle that includes purchasing vs. renting their home. Why should a person that receives a W-2 at the end of the year, rather than a 1099 be allowed to utilize their entire income for the purposes of “borrowing”? They have taxes deducted, sometimes healthcare or retirement deductions, and yet, they can borrow on their “gross” income. Whereas; the self-employed MUST borrow based on their “adjusted gross income”. It seems like double-standards to me.

Just because of that one little fact, I did not qualify for the traditional Manufactured Home Loan…unless I cleared the debt of my car. I do have a hefty car payment, but (if they were using my “gross” income) on paper I clearly can afford a house payment too! Just imagine if they knew of the LARGE tuition, I pay for Dillon’s education each month! Yikes! With all of this said and as I mentioned in my last post, I took matters into my own hands and found a lender that has been willing to go the extra mile with me. And still, it is situation and condition after condition that was consuming my everything.

A few weeks ago, I decided I couldn’t live the way I was living (filled with anxiety and stress of this process), so once again…I took matters into MY control and decided to change my lifestyle for the betterment of my health; physical, mental, emotional health. I am now 23 days into my new lifestyle and 9 weeks into my home purchase efforts. I have switched my focus from “should I pack, are we moving?” to “I will eat healthy today, I will meet my water quota, I will reach my Fitbit goals, and I will take my supplements” to ensure a healthier, more energetic, and more vibrant ME.

I’m still waiting on ANOTHER condition to get met for the home loan, but I have lost 6.6 lbs. AND over 11 inches. I have not had ANY processed or fried foods in 23 days, nor any coffee. Instead of a few adult beverages while out of town working this week, I limited myself to ONE per night (and one was a “BJ Beer” as my boss calls Coors Light) and I didn’t even have one my final night there. I stayed on target with every daily goal I have set for myself. I feel accomplished in myself…despite the house buying saga that is now taking two or three steps forward and only one step backwards at a time! I’ll wait to get excited on closing day and if that doesn’t happen, I’ll get excited because I know I have tried all possible avenues and I’m not a quitter.

Through the ups and downs of this process and now with my daily accomplishments, it’s tough not to pick up the phone and talk to Beej. He called me about stuff, and I called him about stuff, that’s just our relationship. Now, he’s watching from Heaven and I hear him cheering me on…”You got this mom! You’re doing great mom!” Even though I know he’s my cheerleader above, it’s still not the same as having him here. Some days I am overcome by the sadness the death of a child leaves and really, the only thing that helps is just to cry it out. Let the tears fall as they may. I know that sad days important, because they mean that I miss someone that is important to me. My kids and grandkids are and have always been my everything.  And, I know my “everything’s” need me, and they need me healthy and the best I can be. As much as I love and miss BJ, I’m not ready to leave everyone else to be with him. I’ll be with him again one day, but for this day I am right where I want and need to be.