Four Years…How Can That Possibly Be?

 As this day approaches, I wonder…how could it possibly be? How can it be four years since I heard your voice? I know it’s supposed to get easier and I supposed in some ways it does. But in other ways…I’m still crying inside, screaming in pain, and wondering why? Why was it your time? Why did you have to go? Why didn’t we all get to tell you goodbye? Those are some questions that will remain unanswered.

As this day approaches, I am thankful for the 35 years, 5 months, and 4 days that I was blessed with you in my life. Blessed that God chose me to be your mother. Blessed that we made as memories as we did. Blessed that you are my son, Bryan and Dillon’s big brother, Hank, Addy, and Willy’s uncle, and Cheyenne’s daddy.

As this day approaches, I’m grateful I had no regrets. I’m grateful you knew how much I loved you and I knew how much you loved me. I’m grateful for all the experiences you had and that you chose to live life to the fullest, never knowing how long your life would be. I’m grateful that you chose my house to be your “home away from home” in the valley, after you moved to Central Oregon. I’m grateful we had such a strong relationship, but most of all we built a phenomenal friendship. I’m grateful you knew you could come to me with anything at any time. I’m grateful you were always here for me, even when I didn’t know I needed you to be.

As this day approaches, I’m still amazed by the many, many lives you touched. I’m amazed by those lives you touched that I had no idea about. I’m amazed by the young adults, teens, and kids you mentored; and maybe even unknowingly. I’m amazed that you shared your young path of destruction to detour another from that path. I’m amazed that you gave yourself selflessly to help others. I’m amazed by the memories and the love you left in your wake.

As this day approaches, I think of the many things I might have said to you or the many things I might have said at your Celebration had I been in clear mind. And then I realize, I didn’t have anything else I could have said to you that would have meant anything more than what I had already said or what I never said. As this day approaches, I realize I said it all to you…with or without words. You knew. I knew. Love is more than words. Love is a gesture. Love is listening.

As this day approaches, I still miss you. I can’t fathom that you’re gone. I’m thankful. I’m grateful. I’m blessed. I’m amazed. I love you.