Healing with Words

I have a million thoughts, feelings, and emotions going through me today. I still can’t figure out why some years this day hits me harder than others. It was immediately when I woke up today, and the waterworks just aren’t letting up.  BJ, I miss you so damn much… which makes me cry. My next thought is I am so completely grateful to still have your brothers with me… which makes me cry. You left us with the biggest blessing you could, your beautiful daughter and I think of her, how much I love her, how proud you would be of her… and I cry.  You’ve missed out. She’s missed out. We’ve missed out! Damn it, why!?

Nine years. And yet, I wake up hearing those words repeating in my head… the words that make it as real today as it was in 2016… “BJ was in a fatal car accident, and he is no longer with us.” He is no longer with us… plays repeatedly in my head this morning for what seemed like forever but was likely only seconds. Well… what Bryan had to say to me on that day is true. “He is no longer with us.” Yes, but only physically. Don’t forget to interpret “physically” into that statement, because let me tell you what, he is as much with me today as he was when he was living, breathing, and walking this earth. He is part of me. I still see his face. I still hear his voice, and I can still feel his hugs.

It’s so funny how we wake up and grab our phones. I suppose sometimes, it might be to shut the alarm off (or hit snooze as many times as possible before me MUST get out of bed!). Today, I randomly grabbed it… at 9:16 am (IYKYK). And then… a message, sent from a good friend sharing her condolences with me and in disbelief that it could already be nine years since “we lost BJ” … her words. It wasn’t just my loss, or his daughter’s loss, or his brother’s loss. It was everyone that ever loved him or any life he ever touched. It is their loss too. This same friend dropped everything she was doing when she got my call, packed her car, and made the two- and half-hour trip from the beach to be with us. By the way… there were only a handful of people that got a “phone call” from me or his brother. We have a huge family with extended family and then an enormous friend base that are all like family. Most of them read it on social media that day. Heck, I knew something was up because of a couple of messages I received via Messenger that morning.  I then reached out to Bryan to ask if he had heard anything about BJ. How difficult that must have been for Bryan. He was the receiver of the official “in-person” notification. He was driving to my house to be there with me when he told me, but he got my text while he was driving and then he called. He was only a few minutes away, but I am sure he knew in that moment that he shouldn’t wait to tell me because local people already knew of the accident, and he didn’t want me to hear it from anyone else. What a dreadful thing Bryan had to do. That was the day our family changed forever. Our love for each other grew deeper, we cherished every minute together, and we always show up for each other.

Many people say it gets easier with time. I think time lessens the sting of loss because I feel the pain of losing my son as much today as I did nine years ago. As I mentioned, I woke up hearing the reminder that he is no longer with us, read a text of condolences, and have shed a million tears. I soon knew I needed to release some of this pain and get my emotions under some kind of control, so here I am putting the words on paper. I started this blog on BJ’s 36^th birthday, a mere eight months after he physically left us. It was my journey of grief. A safe place to express my feelings. This blog was the one single thing I did for myself that helped me through my grief better than anything. Early on I blogged twice a week… Tuesday’s (because his birthday was on a Tuesday the year I launched this blog) and on Forget-You-Not Friday’s. I blogged regularly for quite some time. I also gave myself permission to only blog when I had something to say or I needed to release feelings of grief. I didn’t blog just to blog. I blogged for my mental health.

I know today’s post is all over the place, but so are my feelings and again, this blog is for me, for my release of grief, and for my wellbeing. The beautiful thing is, no one ever has to read it for me to feel better, but it is here for others to read in case they need to hear some words that might help them in the moment.

I will end with this…

Living his dash!

My dearest BJ,

I miss you as much today as I did when you were taken from us. I miss your laughter, your smile, your stories… well, I miss everything about you. I will never just “get over it” because someone might think I should. I will never stop talking about you and I will never stop telling your stories. I will always be grateful that God gave me you and for all the memories I have of our life together. I will always feel blessed to continue my life on earth and that I get to do that with your brothers and your daughter. I will always welcome the day that God brings me home to be with you again. Son, you were my first born, my first baby love, and my hardest journey of grief. You will always be a light in my heart, and I will always share our story. Keep a light on for me. I will be there one day, but I have a lot more life to do with your brothers, daughters, nieces, nephews, cousins… well, you get the idea. I am doing exactly what you would want… I am living the life I am blessed with. Until we meet again my sweet boy, I love you forever and always.

Love, Mom 💓

Live, Laugh, Love... Intentionally

If I chose a season as my favorite, it has always been autumn. I love the subtle and beautiful changes that come with fall. September still has a few hots days, but also some crisp sunny mornings. October brings more sunny and colder mornings, and the cooler temperatures start to arrive. I love the changes nature brings with the jewel tones of the leaves turning from green to yellow, orange, brown, and even some burgundy. There’s a distinct decorating period that launches with Labor Day and the start of school. Whether you love all “fall” or the fun of Halloween and then Thanksgiving or a mixture of it all, there’s something for everyone’s desire. Me personally, I do a little of all… some fall, with mixes of Halloween and then Thanksgiving!

This season changed a little bit for me in 2014, as we went through the sudden and heartbreaking death of Dillon’s dad on September 14 and on October 20, 2016, my world completely crashed when I lost my oldest son to a tragic auto accident.  Fall and everything it meant to me became more intentional as well as emotional. I intentionally kept up my habit of decorating for fall. It brings me joy. It is important to find joy and keep joy, especially during the most difficult times. Last year, we lost my niece on 9/11… another Fall loss (yes, actually summer, but my fall season begins Labor Day weekend!). I know how difficult this week is for my sister and her family. I have been through the pain of the first anniversary of the loss of an adult child. It is heartbreaking. It is emotional. It is difficult.

When you are a survivor, you learn to stop taking things for granted, stop thinking you will have another day, and your message is to show your love for one another. Family becomes more important. You make more time for what’s important and let go of what isn’t. You might even have a motto for the tough days. When I lost BJ, my motto was… get up, get dressed, and go about your day. You see, I knew he would want me to keep living even though he was gone. He would want me to live my life to the fullest and I knew that began with getting out of bed. When you are in the deepest grief, it is so easy to stay in bed, dwell on your sorrow and loss, and want to stop moving. Don’t get me wrong… I had a few of those days, but I did my best to live “intentionally”. Intentionally getting out of bed and getting dressed every day. Even if I did nothing but watch TV, scroll my phone, or sit on the couch and cry… I intentionally got out of bed.

So, whatever season you are in, live it intentionally. Do you find difficulty with depression during the dark winter months? What can you intentionally do to make it better for you? Daylight light bulbs and lots of them? Use the time to do some indoor projects? That will not only knock some things off your to-do list, but it will give you something of purpose to do and the joy of accomplishment when it’s done. Does spring bring too much rain?  Use the dry days to plant more flowers and let the rain do the watering for you. Finish up more indoor projects and plan for the outdoor ones. Does the heat of the summer boil your blood after too many hot days? So, you don’t have air conditioning? I bet you have a friend or two that does and I bet they would love to spend some quality “friend” time with you on an extreme heat day. Use the morning hours for outdoor time. Whatever season is the toughest for you, change your thinking about how to get through it “intentionally”.

Life does throw curve balls. Loss and grief do happen. It changes you and sometimes you must intentionally work your way through it. Don’t stand still in. Don’t dwell on it. How do you want others to act (or react) when you leave earth? Maybe that is the example you use for yourself when you unexpectedly and heartbreakingly get thrust into grief. Me… I want everyone to be joyous that they knew me, thrilled that we chose to be in each other’s lives, and celebrate the long, beautiful life I had. #PeggysParty 😉 Yes, of course, there are always tears, but Live, Laugh, and Love. Live life with intention. Laugh every chance you can. Love others deeply.

When I started writing today, it didn’t start out to be a blog post. It was going to be a Facebook post. I had just finished texting my sister to tell her I love her and let her know I am aware of what this week is for her. Of course, those emotions ran into next week and the eleventh year without Dillon’s dad, and in October nine years without BJ. That’s how grief can be. It takes hold and before you know it, you are crying, dwelling, feeling numb, or one of the many other emotions that sneak up on you.

So… I am going to intentionally end this blog post and go about my day. Happy Fall Y’all!