Chain Reactions

This morning as I was driving the traffic report comes on the radio and every time I hear of an incident or accident in a certain area, my thought is: oh so-and-so lives there, I hope it wasn’t them. Well today, it is an accident on I-5 near Kelso, WA which is right across the bridge from Rainier, OR; where Bryan’s new homestead is. Thoughts: Bryan doesn’t travel I-5 to work, Josie is getting kids off to school, and Bill doesn’t generally travel this early in the morning so I think we’re in the clear. I don’t think it’s my family. Those thoughts turn into…our family is more spread out now. Instead of six minutes, Bryan lives 1 hour and 15 minutes from me. He gets more snow than I do and he travels on winding roads every day. I used to worry and pray for BJ and his family every day as I knew they had an hour drive every day back and forth to work and Central Oregon always gets lots of snow. But, now BJ is in Heaven and Carrie works closer to home and Cheyenne goes to school closer to home. Bryan lives an hour from work and now I worry and pray for him and his travels; even though I know he has a guardian angel, a big brother angel looking out for him and watching over him every day.

Those thoughts turn into, wow a lot has changed in two years. Two years ago Bill sold his house and was having BJ transport and store some of his “big” things; like tractors and such.  From there, I visualize BJ hauling stuff on his car trailer behind his truck. He was always hauling something over that mountain and at one point when I was getting ready to move he said to me, “Mom, just make sure you find a place where I can park my truck and trailer when I come to visit.” We always had an agreement that they would text me when they made it home so I knew they had a safe trip; only then could I sleep that night. A lot has changed in two years; Dillon is now a teen, Bryan now lives farther away from me, and BJ is in Heaven.

Thoughts of him driving his loaded down truck and trailer over Mt. Hood have now led me to him lying underneath that truck, the same truck we drove across this great nation of ours; pinned underneath his truck where he had his last thoughts and where he took his last breath. Oh how I miss my son. His loyal and loving parents and brothers didn’t get this dreadful news for nearly 12 hours later. I received a couple of random Facebook messages that in turn had me sending a text to Bryan, asking if he had heard anything about BJ. What happened next, I was not prepared for; a parent never is. That awful phone call Bryan had to make; not just to me, but he also had to call his dad and tell him that his oldest son is gone; in the blink of an eye…gone.

Today, this thought turns into…what if I had ignored those random messages and continued working, not texting Bryan. He would have showed up at my house; he was on the way and only 10 minutes from my house when I forced him to call and give me the news instead of telling me in person. How would have that looked? He would have come in and I would have said, “Is everything ok?” Because I knew he should have been at work. That’s when he would have told me. He would have had to endure my initial and immediate shock, disbelief, denial, and the start of this horrible journey I have been forced on. I have thought how terrible it was for him to have to tell me over the phone, but then I think it was probably better that he did not have to endure the first 10…the first 10 minutes of me losing my shit, screaming at the top of my lungs with the gut wrenching pain only a parent can feel at the loss of their child, and my crying out to God, “Why? Why did you want my son last night? Why did you take him from us?”

And now I realize that the drops of rain on my windshield is not the only liquid substance blurring my vision…as I reach for  another tissue to catch the tears. I have chain reaction thoughts all the time; this morning was brutal as I still weep at the loss of a great son. I still long for his presence, I still want to see him pull up in the truck that crushed him, I still want to see him walk through my door, and I still want to see him playing with the kids in his one-ok-a-kind Uncle BJ style. I just want to hug him again. Today is starting out pretty tough…that is the raw truth.