A Million Little Things...

Maybe you’ve seen that new show on TV…A million little things…or maybe not. Today, in all my chaos, I was thinking about BJ and all the things that remind me of him. It’s a million little things… old Willy’s… Ford trucks… snow… Monster energy drinks… Mexican food… four wheelin’… Quads… Bloody Mary’s… Halloween… Coors Light… bacon… his brothers… his friends… and his daughter. It’s a million little things throughout the day. It’s nothing said. It’s everything said. It’s seeing real things. It’s seeing things in my head. It’s a feeling. It’s painful. It’s joyful. It’s a million little things.

Tomorrow he will celebrate his second birthday in Heaven and we will mourn two years without him. I think about it and I cry. How can it possibly be two years already when it feels like yesterday we were sitting in my living room laughing about his shenanigans, while at the same time it feels like a million years since I hugged him.

My heart is heavy. I don’t have the ability to hold back the tears as a knot forms in my throat. He was not supposed to go before me. I am not supposed to feel this kind of loss. And yet…he did and I am.

If I could say anything to him, it would be… BJ, my head tells me that you would want us all to continue living, but my heart aches with sadness and my tears fill the ocean. I get by; some days are better than others. You were a good son. You filled my life with laughter, smiles, and love. You ran from me when you were a toddler, you challenged me as a teen, and you ran back to me when you needed advice as an adult. You gave me strength to discipline and heart to love unconditionally. You shared your life and your friends with me. You gave me a granddaughter to cherish. You often knew the right words to say to encourage me, to comfort me, or to light a fire under me. Regardless, you knew me well…as I knew you well. I am your mother, you are my son, and we were friends. I miss you as much today as I did when I got the news on October 21, 2016. I’m just learning to manage the pain and the loss…PS…I’m still hearing stories about things I didn’t know. 😉

I just cannot stress enough…remember to show your love and appreciation to others. Someday you might miss them and want to hug them, but they’ll be gone. You might want to hang out around the bonfire with them, but you’ll tell stories about them instead. You hope to be the one to walk them down the aisle, but you’re gone. Death is part of life; it’s the part we want to ignore. Life is filled with a million little things. Don’t take those little things for granted, someday they’ll only be memories.