Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Songs and thoughts. Do you ever find yourself listening to your music and hearing the same old songs, but today you either heard something different in the music or your thoughts went deeper and started running amok? Well, that happens to me a lot. I’ll be singing along and the next thing I know I’ve went down the rabbit hole. No longer am I listening to the words but I’m thinking about my kids…all of them. I have just died, and I am joyfully reunited with BJ, my parents, and others that have gone before me. I am meeting some of my grandparents for the first time. I’m happy, but then I am sad. I have just realized that I won’t see my “alive” family again…for a while or will it be forever? I am now consumed with how they will feel losing me and have I expressed “enough” love to each of them to sustain them through their loss. Have I left them with enough words for them to know that I want them to rejoice that I am home with my Father and reunited with my son. Although I would never choose one child over another; meaning I am not so consumed in grief that I desire to end my life to be with BJ, I would rejoice that reunion. The same as I would then rejoice the reunion with my other children when it is their time to join us for eternity.

Do you ever go down this rabbit hole? Do songs trigger thoughts? Do you ever get caught up in the “what-ifs”? I do; when I least expect them. Sometimes they are happy and other times they are not. Even though today’s brought joy at the thought of reuniting with lost loved ones, it also brought tears at the thought of the day I will leave my other loved ones. Like many of you, I love my family and friends intensely. My loss won’t be hard on me; it will be hard on them. They will want to pick up the phone and “text” (because that’s the day we live in) mom a million times, only to realize she doesn’t have or need a phone in Heaven. It took many years before the thought of picking up the phone to call mom dissipated. I’ve gotten through my journey of losing my parents as I know my survivors will get through theirs, but I cry for their initial shock because I know I am loved, and I know the devastation of loss only too well.

Hug your babies and express your love. Today is all we have, tomorrow is not promised.