It’s been a few
weeks since I’ve written anything, not because I have writers block or nothing
to say but because I am at a place in life to do the things that matter most. My
blog has been of the utmost importance because it has been THE tool, I have
needed to get me through the most difficult time in my life. Expressing my
feelings through word has been the most therapeutic thing I have done for
myself in navigating this journey of grief. Although I know I still have a long
road ahead of me, I am doing better today than yesterday or a year ago. I still
have struggles, I still shed tears, and I still miss my son terribly. Moving
forward I’m going to write on Friday’s when I NEED to. I’m not going to write out
of obligation because I’ve dedicated Friday’s to BJ…he still knows I am
thinking about him. I’m going to write when I have something of value to say or
something I need to work through. I think this is an important step in my
journey and for other mourners to know that it is ok to do for themselves…do
and be how they want, when they want. Grief is difficult enough without putting
pressure on ourselves. I think life comes with enough pressure and we should
seek refuge from pressure whenever possible. I find myself wanting to do a
million little things for my family, for friends, for loved ones…because it
makes me happy, not because they expect it. But I also find if I cut expectations
of myself, I am relieving pressure I have unknowingly put on myself. Grief is a
time to let go of a lot of little things and take care of yourself and do what
matters the most in that moment.
A few weeks ago, I
shared how many people have been on my heart this year because they are
experiencing their first holiday season since losing a loved one. One friend has
been on my mind and her family in my prayers. She lost her father last spring
and two weeks ago her brother had a heart attack, followed by a stroke and
other complications. They are still surrounding him in love and prayer at the
hospital. I cannot even imagine the heartache in that family and the strength
that is being built through this turbulence.
Through tragedy we
gain strength.
Through trials we
gain knowledge.
Through prayer we
gain peace.
It was easy to be
mad at God for taking my son from me. It was difficult to understand why. It
didn’t seem fair then, and it doesn’t seem fair today. Every minute someone is
born and every minute someone dies. None of us are immune from loss. It is part
of life. It’s the part of life seldom talked about, because who wants to think
about death? Not me. Regardless, I have been faced with it and I got thrown on
this journey and new path of life. I can’t say this path is awful. I have many
good things happening in my life; none of which lessens the pain of loss. I’m
beginning to understand they don’t have anything to do with the other. I can be
very happy and at the same time very sad. Happy in life and sad in death. I don’t
think my life is dictated by my son’s death, but I do think I am a different
person because of it. I see things much differently than I once did. Life has
much more value. I know what I will and won’t tolerate. I know that nothing is
more important than God, family, and friends.
I know I have said
this before, but to all of you that have lost someone this year and going
through all the “firsts” without your loved one, my heart aches for you. Loss
sucks! The “firsts” suck! But…be kind to yourself, listen to your body, and
know that time does heal. It doesn’t take away the heartache, but it does
lessen a little tiny bit each month and each year. I pray for peace over your
heart as you celebrate this first Christmas with one less chair at your table
and one less person to buy gifts for. God bless…
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