It’s hard to believe this is Christmas #3 without you. So
much has happened since you left us, and this has been an especially busy month
for me. But I suspect you already know what’s going on as you watch us from
Heaven. I know you would be thrilled for this new chapter in my life as I go
back into home ownership. It is something we would’ve had many phone calls
about. We would’ve talked each step of the way. That’s just how our relationship
was. It’s hard not to pick up the phone and call. I still have “you” pinned to
my “favorites” and you’re still on my “break-through” list. I just can’t bring
myself to change that.
My heart aches at the thought of going through another
Christmas without you and I can’t stop the tears from welling in my eyes. I
feel each one as they roll down my cheek. This pain is far greater than any
parent can imagine…until the dreadful day they are faced with it.
I have so much to be grateful for and so much to be thankful
for; heck, I even have so much to be excited about…and yet, part of me still
feels hollow inside. There’s an emptiness inside of me that used to be full of life;
that used to be filled with BJ. I am still filled with your memories, but that
is nothing compared to being filled with your life.
I know you are happy, at peace, and watch us from above and
I know you know no sadness or sorrow. But somehow, I don’t feel very satisfied
in that tonight. With Christmas only a few days away, I want to see you, touch
you, and sit around the dinner table with you. I want to buy you presents and
have you love each one of them! I want you to bring Cheyenne over for her visit
this next week and I want you to stay for that visit. I want to watch you chase
the little kids around and toss them up in the air. I want to see how you and
Dillon would interact now that he has aged two and a half more years since you
last saw him. I want to enjoy some Christmas cheer with you and Bryan. I want, I
want, I want! I know this too shall pass…and I will get through another
Christmas without you…but I don’t want to!
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