Grief can leave you with feelings all over the place. You
can be enjoying Christmas and the beauty of your decorated home or the smells
of fall candles, and then boom, it hits you. You miss your loved one or loved
ones. I would say after 2+ years, we are doing pretty good day to day. There
are more memories and less tears. I’m a mother and I’m a survivor.
I was binge watching a comedy this week. It’s kind of raunchy
humor and more cussing than I care for, but I can relate to some of the
characters and I find myself laughing often by the dialog. Sometimes, we just
need a little laughter in our day. I was about 5 or 6 episodes into this show,
when BAM! One of the brothers came up missing. (Now, mind you, I am not a fan
of watching the news. I would like to see more “good” news than what is
reported. So, I really had no idea this character was due to leave the show.)
The father and slightly younger (about 3 years or so…like Bryan to BJ) brother
were called to the accident sight. The father could look at the mangled motorcycle
and see no way his son could survive that, while the younger brother could look
at the situation and be convinced that his brother had set this scene because
he had been threatened and by all accounts, in his mind, his brother was still
alive.
The show continues the story through a couple of episodes,
finally ending with a Celebration of Life for the MIA brother. The younger
brother was opposed to the celebration and felt everyone was turning their back
on his brother. Towards the end and after receiving a present from his lost brother,
he began to accept his brother had died.
Why do I share all of this? Because I’ve been quite busy
with life; the Christmas season, the ups and downs of the home buying process,
traveling, yada, yada, yada, to really “feel” feelings. I have kept others that
have lost a loved one this year in my thoughts and prayers, knowing how the
first holidays without their “person” can be. I’ve spent time with my kids,
with my grandkids, and with friends…the usual holiday stuff. I haven’t really
taken time to delve into my feelings, although when one of your children has
died you just always miss them and have a continual feeling of loss and sadness
without their human presence.
Watching that comedy this week provided a laughter I really
needed…right up until the accident. In that moment, as I watched the dad and
brother at the accident sight I cried. I could see Bill and Bryan on that road,
feeling those feelings, and I knew what that family had in store. I know it’s
just a TV show, but friends it was eerily real. I could feel the denial and
disbelief. I could feel the heartache having to come to terms of their loss and
I could cry at every word that was spoken at that Celebration of Life. I could
feel it as if I just went through that horrific ordeal…yesterday. The most
gut-wrenching was watching the younger brother scenes. They showed him while
playing “Drink a Beer” by Luke Bryan. Why was this so difficult? Because of the
resemblance it had to the brothers on TV and the McCormick brothers. Bryan
first heard that song just days after losing his brother. He quit listening to
country music for a few months because of that. I got a phone call in early June,
eight months after BJ died, from Bryan’s oldest son. He said, “Grandma Peggy,
something is wrong with Bryan. He’s just sitting outside, drinking a beer,
listening to the same country song.” I had just cooked a plate of food. I left
it on the counter, jumped in my car, and found my sweet boy sitting on his
patio, drinking a Coors Light (BJ’s beverage of choice), and listening to
country music. There was a sadness that he had suppressed…until he couldn’t anymore.
I didn’t tell him his son called me. I just told him I was out and about so was
stopping in to see him. I could tell he wasn’t good. He finally broke down and
told me about the song, when he first heard it, and how he quit listening to
country music, until that day, because it was too painful. We talked, he played
that song (several times) for me, and at times we were just quiet. I felt his
hurt all over again as I watched that show last night and as I heard that song.
Some days are harder than others. Some songs or some shows trigger our feelings
and allow us to release our sadness through “more” tears.
I have a good life. I have two wonderful living sons. I have
adorable, funny, and loving grandchildren. And, I have a son in Heaven. My person
that waits with my other people for my arrival. I miss him terribly, but in a
blink of an eye we will be together again. Knowing that helps me keep “living”,
just as he would want and expect of me.
If you have just went through your first holiday season without
your person, you have more strength than you knew. You are a survivor. You will
grieve for a long time and maybe forever. Remember to enjoy each day that you
are given, because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow and some will not make it
until then. God Bless and Godspeed!
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