Today is a Better Day

We all have good days and we all have bad days, but what we should say is, “all days are good; some days are better.” Someone I know just lost her husband and that is her grief mantra. It really is important to remember that your loved one would want you to continue living even though they aren’t on earth to share life with you anymore. Live your life with purpose. Live your life with desire. Live your life with goodness. Live your life.

I am blessed to spend this day with people I love, people that bring happiness to my life, and people that loved and lost BJ too. Dillon is spending this holiday weekend with his cousins and his aunty; his daddy’s sister and he loves them dearly. I am spending the weekend with BJ’s Aunt Jenny, her kiddos, and just for an enhanced good time I brought my grandson Willy with me. It is joyful to spend time sharing good memories about BJ and making new memories without him, but always with him in our hearts. Tonight I get to share our latest family tradition with her. A tradition that BJ started on our trip to South Carolina, a few months before he died. As a thank you to the family we visited I wanted to make them a homemade spaghetti dinner. As I was cooking, BJ insisted we needed a side of bacon with the dinner. I will admit…I thought he was nuts but we cooked up some bacon to go with dinner anyway.  It has become a tradition with our family and now we are sharing that tradition with his Aunt Jenny…who looked at me like I was crazy when I started cooking the bacon as she was making the salad. :)

All days are good, some days are better. Today is a “better day”.

3 Blind Mice

Three blind mice…three blind mice...see how they run…see how they run…

And so the mice invasion began. (Read last week's blog for the prequel.) You know, on the day we would later be celebrating the life of our BJ. I realize I needed a distraction, but I can think of many other distractions that would have been welcomed at that point; a massage, a day at the beach…anything other than mice thinking they can move into my home! After I cleaned up under the sink I really did put the thought out of my head. I was just beginning my grief journey after all.

The weekend before Thanksgiving and two weeks after BJ’s Celebration of Life, I retreated north of Seattle to spend the weekend with family. Let’s face it, life as I knew it was over, I lost a child, I was a mess, and when I wasn’t crying I was numb. I needed a break, I needed a change of scenery, and I needed to be able to grieve. The drive was good, the holiday lights along the way were lovely, and it was just plain nice to leave home for a short time. Jenny and I played many rounds of Bananagrams while the kids kept us well entertained. It was the distraction that was needed until we had to go back home on Sunday.

I was getting settled into bed. Dillon was working on one of his many projects in his room. It was nice just to be in jammies in the comfort of my bed; until I heard Dillon holler for me. I went to him and he proceeded to tell me that he thought he saw a mouse in his room and he was pretty sure it was hiding out under his dresser. “How do you know,” I asked. “Because I used my flashlight to look under there. It is in the far corner and I can see its beady little eyes!” he responded. I let out a heavy sigh, grabbed my own flashlight, knelt down to take a look for myself; all the while thinking Lord, I really don’t need this right now…I really don’t want to deal with this tonight! Sure enough, those beady little eyes were staring back at me! I immediately went downstairs to grab a “snap trap” from the garage; until now, the only other place we had seen a mouse since moving in the prior year. At that time we killed three before insisting the landlord follow up with pest control. All I could think is…THEY’RE BAAAACK!

I loaded up the trap with some peanut butter and set it up right next to the dresser. “Loaded up” is an exaggeration; I barely put any inside the loop where they have to work for it. I set it up and went off to do something else. Dillon called for me again. Again I went to his room. “Mom, I just watched the mouse come out, eat the peanut butter, and run back under the dresser! Shouldn’t it have trapped him, mom?”  “Um, yes” I responded in my irritated voice. By this time it was 9:00 and the last thing I wanted to be doing this Sunday night was chase a stinking mouse around the house, but hey a girl has to do what a girl has to do! We sat on the edge of Dillon’s bed for a bit; hammer in his hand. He was certain he could trip the trap and catch the mouse if it came out again; well it didn’t. I threw on my slippers and coat; I was off to Walgreen’s, the closest store that I imagined had any mouse paraphernalia. I bought several snap traps, electronic repellents, and the condominium traps that I still feel are useless. As I was loading the snaps with peanut butter I heard some rustling in the reusable grocery bag that I earlier emptied from our trip. I was puzzled; it was on top of a box that was on top of something else…surely a mouse couldn’t be in there. Oh boy was I wrong. I mouse there was! NOOOOOOOOOOO!  I gasped, grabbed the bag, ran out to the front street and shook the mouse out of the bag.  Probably the most humane treatment I have given one of those uninvited houseguests and he probably ran back in the house before I did! Just sayin’! Oh, now my blood was boiling, it’s 10:30 pm, and all I want to do is get some sleep. I strategically placed the three electronic repellents where they could work the majority of the open space, I set some snap traps in areas where we spotted the rodents, and I was going to bed. Clearly Dillon had no interest in crawling into his bed that night and besides my bed sits about 2 ½ feet off the ground. Finally, my bed….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

We were nestled, relaxing to TV while trying to relax enough to sleep…..S-NAP! We both looked at each other and he asked, “My room?” I responded, “I have no idea. You stay here, I will go check.”  I just wanted him to get some sleep; after all he had school the following day. I first checked his room; nope, everything was untouched. I went downstairs to check the kitchen and there it was…a mousey trapped by its foot. Oh my gosh; are you kidding me? He’s trapped, he’s squirming, and I’m freaking out! I can pick up the trap with the deceased rodent and put the entire thing in a bag and give it a proper burial in the garbage can, but I can’t deal with one that is squirming and I shouldn’t have to. FYI: snap traps are a dollar store cheapo and I would much rather toss the entire thing than to remove…well you get the picture! Dillon came to my rescue and well, I disposed of it. I grabbed the disinfectant wipes cleaned up the hammer and the ground around where the trap had sat.

Take two: We were nestled in bed, trying to relax to TV after taking care of mouse business…..S-NAP! Seriously, again!? Again, I told Dillon to stay in bed and I was off to find the filled trap. We got the little hummer that was hanging out under the dresser; I removed the remains, cleaned up, and went back to bed; now wondering if I will ever get any sleep this night. Dillon sat up and said he was going to take a shower so maybe he could sleep. The shower has been Dillon’s “place” since he lost his daddy over three years ago. He has taken up to five showers in one day. He finds comfort, he prays, he cries, and now as he is getting older, listens to a lot of music.

We caught three, things were quieting down, and now maybe, just maybe I can get some sleep…S-NAP!  NOOOOO!  YESSSSSS! No, I just want to sleep! Yes, we killed another little sucker! By this time, Dillon was a sleep. It was another in his room. I set more traps, cleaned things up, and then went back to bed. Finally, I was asleep too. I checked things the next morning; the traps were empty and we went about our day. I contacted the landlord to let them know the mice had crossed the barrier into the house and we needed to address this situation immediately; pest control was scheduled for the following day. The day was quiet. I was chatting on the phone with a friend, telling her my mice story and she asked if I had caught more this day. I said, “Nope, they must be hiding out!” S-NAP! No kidding; while I was talking with her on the phone I caught another.

Pest Control confirmed that the bait which was originally in the traps the previous year, under the house, in the garage, and outdoors, was gone. He reloaded all of them. He told me that he rarely goes into someone’s home that has set the traps up exactly as they should be set; against the wall, two or more 6-8” apart in a row, and very little peanut butter…just enough to give them a scent. I almost felt he was congratulating me…um, ok?! But when he told me that for every one we see there are 10-12 we don’t see! OMG…are you kidding me!? I told him I had walked the parameter of every room and couldn’t find any droppings and I know mice can poop…A LOT! He also checked and couldn’t see any. So, “along the wall”? Yes, mouse traps need to be set up against a wall with the trap coming down towards the wall. The reason is simple; mice are blind, they run along the walls and boxes, etc. because their whiskers feel the wall. So, three blind mice, three blind mice, see how they run, see how they run…

So far, so good, praying the uninvited guests stay away this winter. I hope this brought some laughter to your life today!

I'm Up and I'm Dressed

Solemn thoughts…about this Friday…a year ago…

That first two weeks are pretty much a blur; I can’t tell you who was here exactly when or on what day I did what. All I know is I had people in and out of my house staying with me, helping me prepare for the afterlife; you know…the life after you’ve lost your loved one. My memory bank has always been much like my mother’s; you ask me when something happened or when someone did what and I can narrow it down to the year or the month…and sometimes, even the day. But, not those first two weeks of losing my son; they are a blur. On this Friday last year, I was preparing for a houseful of people. Family and friends coming from all over the United States; the furthest coming from South Carolina…one of his best friends, the friend we had just, three months prior, trekked across the US to see, in the same truck that crushed him…the same truck that rest on him as he took his last breath. I still shiver and tear up thinking of my son lying there, on the cold, wet ground, and what thoughts must have been going through his mind knowing he was at the end of his life on earth. Sigh, take a breath, recompose myself…

“I’m up and I’m dressed”…my mantra the first few weeks. I knew BJ would not want me to lose myself. He would expect me to get up, get dressed, and carry on, so I did. Today, I am still processing all that has happened, the loss of my oldest child, and what keeps me going every day. I won’t lie; I have had a few days that I have stayed in bed or days that I haven’t gotten dressed. Not because they were unbearable days, but because I was exhausted or just needed a down day. But, I can count those days on one hand not two, so considering the flipside and where else I could’ve ended up on this journey of grief I am ok with that and I think BJ would be too; or at least I tell myself that.

My house filled up that weekend as we prepared to “love him, but let him go”, as I pulled together photos of his life that would scroll on the big screen for all to see, as I prepared to meet and greet his loving friends and family that would make the trip to honor their loved one that they just lost. That Friday was filled with last minute shopping and family arriving late into the night. Saturday was a day I allowed myself a pedicure and wine, dinner and shared memories of BJ with friends, some of his cousins, two of his aunties, and his brother; while more people were arriving late into the night. Much of Sunday was a blur, except the mice…that memory is embedded in my brain. That morning, the 8+ people that were sharing 1200 square feet of space were taking turns in the shower, sharing memories over coffee, making bacon maple bars, and even sharing some laughter from BJ stories. The morning was good…until….some uninvited guests showed up. The house was somewhat quiet with two people making a last minute store run, one person in the backyard indulging in coffee and a “smoke”, while the other few were upstairs getting themselves together for the day. However, I decided to take advantage of the time and clean up the kitchen that had mass amounts of bacon and maple bars everywhere. All was going fine, dishes were getting rinsed and in the dishwasher, recycling finding its way to the container, and garbage getting put in the bag. Wait a minute, what’s that I see under my sink? Mouse droppings?! You’ve got to be kidding me! Today of all days…are you kidding me!? I don’t need this and I certainly don’t want to deal with it. Mice are cute little critters…as long as they don’t try to move into my dwelling! I swiftly grabbed my dustpan and brush, cleaned up the mess, and carried on. Really didn’t give it another thought. I dodged a bullet…so to speak. My bestie that was staying here didn’t know (until she reads this…if she does) and she would have freaked out…not her cup of tea. The others would have likely taken it with a grain of salt (and have already heard my "mice story").

Everyone gathered in my living room, my sister and her family met us here, we loaded the car, and we were off for a day that was sure to be a day fitting of my son. A day we would celebrate his much too short life and a day filled with hugs and many, many tears. That’s the part of the day that was a blur. I saw many people, I hugged many people, and I heard many memories of my son, but my heart hurt so much that I don’t remember much about that day. As quickly as my house filled, it emptied, and then I had to learn to live with what had happened; that my son was suddenly gone. My heart still hurts and I still have a hard time remembering what has happened (and when) over this past year and two weeks, but I still get up and I still get dressed and I still carry on…just as BJ would want.

Celebrating Life

As you might imagine one of the most difficult parts of loss is the funeral, graveside service, Celebration of Life, or any combination of them…the finality of the devastation that has just consumed your life. Our immediate family is small and we are very close. The final celebration of our loved ones life needed to be as special as he was to us. The decisions had clarity, were made swiftly, and consumed our lives for the better part of two weeks. When you lose someone, the plans do not take care of themselves; often a funeral home will take care of that part for you. We knew immediately, our family would plan this day and as MOM and the event planner of the family I took the helm to begin planning. How does one plan a Celebration of Life?  The outline below shows you just that. You don’t have to read through the process if it’s not your thing, but there are some things I feel important to share and for anyone facing the dilemma of this task I hope my notes will bring a source of help to you during this difficult time. This is a time when we don’t think clearly, life is a blur, and we are trying to come to terms with the unimaginable…the loss of a loved one.

2016 Jack-o-lanterns by BJ, Cheyenne, & Teri

 Steps to Plan a Celebration of Life 

1.       Find a venue

2.       Theme 

3.       Plan the menu

4.       Invitations

5.       Decorations

6.       Celebration brochure

7.       Event Insurance

8.       The Help

  1.       The venue. There are some questions you need to ask yourself. 

a.       What is the most fitting for the guest of honor. Yes, they are the guest of honor. They are the reason you are coming together. They are the life you are celebrating. They are THE GUEST OF HONOR.

b.      What kind of gathering do you imagine? Will it be small and intimate? Will it be large and spacious? Will it be in between?  That might be best answered by: how many guests do you anticipate?  For my situation, I knew we could be at least 200 and upwards of 250. We ended up with 250-ish. My son is a country boy at heart, a modern day redneck,  a bonfire kind of guy so this meant I wanted something lodge-like, a country feel. Don't forget it needed adequate parking and space for up to 300 guests.  Portland is big, but the challenge was set. Four days later I found the perfect place.  You might think that didn't take long, but it took four days of multiple phone calls, site visits, emails, and the persistence of three of us. So four days seemed long to us!

c.       How many guests do you project?  You might get an idea by the responses to emails, texting, social media. It really is a guessing game, at best.

d.      How much parking do you need? Will people carpool?

e.      Will you have travelers? Traveling via cars, airplane? Do you need hotel accommodations in the area?

f.        Will you need a food prep area?

g.       Will you be serving any liquor? Not all places allow that or can accommodate that. If you are serving liquor you are required to carry a special insurance policy and to have a licensed bartender to serve. This is an Oregon State requirement. Check your state for their requirements.

2.       The theme. Will you have a theme? For us, the Guest of Honor dictated our theme. Green; his favorite color was green, his Willy's is green, money is green…well, you get the idea. 

3.       The menu. 

a.       Will you be providing a meal? Appetizers? Desserts? Beverages? You will need to figure that out.

b.      Will food be catered? Will there need to be prep space at the venue?

c.       Will you ask for potluck?

4.       The invitation. We kept it simple…social media and word of mouth. It was open to all who knew my son.

5.       The décor. This can be what you make it. For me it was lots of pictures. I wanted to share his life, his beautiful, well-lived life with everyone. He was an artist and not many people knew that. We displayed his artwork. We displayed his love of his 56 Willy truck. We displayed his love of family. We displayed his remains.

6.       The brochure. I wanted something that spoke something about my son. I chose a "This is BJ's Story" theme. A niece helped me find the idea. I started writing…started with his birth and ended…well with the end of his life. I highlighted things that I thought were important, things that shaped him into the person he had become, and the person that was loved by so many. It was a simple half-fold card style with his story on the inside pages. The front was simple; his name, his picture, dates of existence…all with a beautiful green background. The back was a light-hearted, sentiment telling his loved ones to love him, but let him go…I signed it by my son.  This would be the message he would want to give them.

a.       You may not have a program to do this yourself and that is ok. You might know someone that can. There are suppliers online. Make it what you want it.

7.       The insurance.  It's called Event Insurance. Save yourself headaches and buy it online, print the document and give it to the facility. It is inexpensive; less than $130. It's a million dollar policy and well worth it.

8.       The help. Delegate! You do not need and you should not do this alone. 

a.       Areas where you can delegate is anything that you are not capable of doing. It is either too painful, it's not your area of expertise, it will consume too much of your physical time. Start by choosing what you WILL do and delegate the rest. People are happy to help because they want to do something for you in your time of crisis. Let them! You are no lesser a person for not doing it all.

b.      I am an event planner and a creative designer so I knew I would organize everything, be the decision maker, and design the room layout, his Life Brochure, and décor needs. The rest I delegated, but what did that look like?

                                       i.            Menu: That was easy. We decided on a theme fitting for the Guest of Honor. He loved Mexican food, Bacon, and Coors Light.  That might seem like an odd combination, but it made perfect sense to us and it came together beautifully. We provided most of the Mexican items and Coors Light; we had guests bring their favorite Bacon themed appetizer or dessert. We had more food than you could possibly imagine!  I delegated a niece as Head Chef; she organized where/when items were to be purchased and she ran the show that day. She was an angel sent to me!

                                     ii.            Venue: As I already mentioned, I had two people that were helping me find the perfect venue. Even though the family made the final decision, they did the leg work, phone calls, emails, etc.

                                    iii.            Out of town guests: my niece found accommodations close to the venue and even though we couldn't get a discounted rate, the rate was doable.

                                   iv.            Liquor: A no-brainer you think? Well, we had to find a bartender and so another niece took on this task. She coordinated all details with the bartender; including the fee, location, and times. My other son was in charge of getting the kegs there. The venue was fully equipped with a  bar area, taps, ice, etc. This made the venue perfect in its own right. Did I mention it had a full kitchen and serving area as well?

                                     v.            Décor: I took on this task with the help of family and friends. One of my sons best friends works for a party décor place and they provided all the linens and serve ware that was needed for the day. A gem and a huge relief for me. Tables were provided by the venue and they would do the set up to my specifications. For a small fee they did the tear down and clean up too! 

If you have read through this and are planning a service for your loved one, my prayers are with you during this difficult time. If you have any questions please reach out to me through the “Contact Mom” link and I will be happy to help you through your journey.  If you know of someone that can benefit from this blog post or any other blog post please share freely and often.

Throw a Fit!

I suppose some people think you get over grief. I also suppose those same people have never lost someone so dear to them that it shook them to their core that they literally felt their stomach in their throat, or that after a year a part of them still can’t believe that loved one is gone. There are those moments, not every day anymore, but still very often. I’ll get lost in a daze, drifting in thought, and BAM…it hits me in the face! He’s gone! He’s never coming back! I’m not going to see him driving up to my house, stepping out of his truck, walking up to the door, and throwing his arms around me and saying, “hi mom, I made it.” Never again. The next time I see him will be when I am walking through the “pearly gates” and he, along with others that have gone before me, are waiting to greet me and then…that will be the next time I get one of those legendary hugs of his. Sometimes the pain of loss sits in my throat and then I explode in a “fit of grief”. I cry uncontrollably. I turn to God and ask, “Why did you take him from us? Why did you take him so soon? Why was it his time?” And then I bounce back and know the answer is simple and yet complicated; it was his time. We are all on Earth until we aren’t and only God knows how long we are here for; our days are set even before we are born. Even though I don’t have answers to my questions I know how this works, I know where he is, and he visits me in dreams and for that I am blessed.

A “fit of grief” you might ask? Yes, that is what I call those moments described above. My body is throwing a fit and it is necessary in this journey. Your body and your mind need an outlet to stay healthy. This blog is my outlet for my mind; it helps me release the feelings I might otherwise keep bottled up or that I might continually bestow on some unwilling recipients. Many people do not know what to say to those of us that talk about our loss, our grief and that is ok. It just means they care about our feelings and our feelings are unknown to them so they don’t want to say something or do something that might upset our apple cart.  Usually we don’t need them to say anything; we just need to know it is ok for us to talk about our loved one, what happened to them, and how much we miss them. If you are the recipient of someone going through grief; just be there, that’s usually all we need. Even though we are broken, we don’t need fixed. We just need to release what is inside. Talking (or writing) isn’t the only release…tears, we need to shed tears. It is necessary for our body to detox the ugly and grief is ugly at times and at other times it is beautiful…like when we are filled with joyful memories. Parents that are going through grief – your kids need to see you grieve; they need to see you cry. They need to know that it’s ok and that it is part of the process. If they don’t see you grieve, they will likely not know how to do it themselves and they need the release to. They are hurting; they lost a loved one too! Let them process their feelings. Talk to them about how they feel or ask them to draw a picture about their loved one…but, whatever you do, help them and remember, kids acknowledge their loss 18-24 months after the death of their loved one. Be prepared and help them through it. If you don’t know how, most cities have grief support groups for kids with kids their own age group. We went to the Dougy Center when Dillon lost his dad and it was very beneficial for him. He didn’t have to talk about what happened if he didn’t want to but just being with other kids his own age that had lost a parent or sibling is comforting to a child. Let them throw their fit of grief and let them see you throw yours. You need to, your body needs you to, and it’s ok! Throw a fit!

As many know I am a professional event planner. I mostly plan educational conferences; about 10-12 conferences a year and I get to travel all over Oregon to manage them. Last week was spent in Pendleton and I just returned home from Newport where the weather on the coast was gorgeous. Last year, six days after returning from Central Oregon my son was killed in a car accident, in Central Oregon.  I’ve planned luaus, graduation parties, birthday parties, girl’s weekends, girl’s nights, and many kids’ birthday parties…but NEVER, EVER did I imagine planning a Celebration of Life for someone, let alone my own child. It was the worst…the worst thing a parent is forced to do…and yet, I wanted it perfect for him and fitting of him and that began by finding a venue that was just right. You know, like Goldie Locks…too hard, too soft, just right. Well, that’s how I felt…this one is too trashy, this one is too small, this one just doesn’t feel like BJ, and then, in what seemed like months later I found it. The one that was just right; it was the perfect size, had lots of parking, had a play area for kids, had a kitchen, had a bar, had a huge stone fireplace, was a lodge, and it felt just like BJ! From the moment I drove up, I knew this was the place. And, yes, it was much more expensive than some of the other places, but they also offered a nice discount for this “occasion”; which was not an “occasion” to me at all. But, it really was the perfect final gathering place for my son.