Throw a Fit!

I suppose some people think you get over grief. I also suppose those same people have never lost someone so dear to them that it shook them to their core that they literally felt their stomach in their throat, or that after a year a part of them still can’t believe that loved one is gone. There are those moments, not every day anymore, but still very often. I’ll get lost in a daze, drifting in thought, and BAM…it hits me in the face! He’s gone! He’s never coming back! I’m not going to see him driving up to my house, stepping out of his truck, walking up to the door, and throwing his arms around me and saying, “hi mom, I made it.” Never again. The next time I see him will be when I am walking through the “pearly gates” and he, along with others that have gone before me, are waiting to greet me and then…that will be the next time I get one of those legendary hugs of his. Sometimes the pain of loss sits in my throat and then I explode in a “fit of grief”. I cry uncontrollably. I turn to God and ask, “Why did you take him from us? Why did you take him so soon? Why was it his time?” And then I bounce back and know the answer is simple and yet complicated; it was his time. We are all on Earth until we aren’t and only God knows how long we are here for; our days are set even before we are born. Even though I don’t have answers to my questions I know how this works, I know where he is, and he visits me in dreams and for that I am blessed.

A “fit of grief” you might ask? Yes, that is what I call those moments described above. My body is throwing a fit and it is necessary in this journey. Your body and your mind need an outlet to stay healthy. This blog is my outlet for my mind; it helps me release the feelings I might otherwise keep bottled up or that I might continually bestow on some unwilling recipients. Many people do not know what to say to those of us that talk about our loss, our grief and that is ok. It just means they care about our feelings and our feelings are unknown to them so they don’t want to say something or do something that might upset our apple cart.  Usually we don’t need them to say anything; we just need to know it is ok for us to talk about our loved one, what happened to them, and how much we miss them. If you are the recipient of someone going through grief; just be there, that’s usually all we need. Even though we are broken, we don’t need fixed. We just need to release what is inside. Talking (or writing) isn’t the only release…tears, we need to shed tears. It is necessary for our body to detox the ugly and grief is ugly at times and at other times it is beautiful…like when we are filled with joyful memories. Parents that are going through grief – your kids need to see you grieve; they need to see you cry. They need to know that it’s ok and that it is part of the process. If they don’t see you grieve, they will likely not know how to do it themselves and they need the release to. They are hurting; they lost a loved one too! Let them process their feelings. Talk to them about how they feel or ask them to draw a picture about their loved one…but, whatever you do, help them and remember, kids acknowledge their loss 18-24 months after the death of their loved one. Be prepared and help them through it. If you don’t know how, most cities have grief support groups for kids with kids their own age group. We went to the Dougy Center when Dillon lost his dad and it was very beneficial for him. He didn’t have to talk about what happened if he didn’t want to but just being with other kids his own age that had lost a parent or sibling is comforting to a child. Let them throw their fit of grief and let them see you throw yours. You need to, your body needs you to, and it’s ok! Throw a fit!

As many know I am a professional event planner. I mostly plan educational conferences; about 10-12 conferences a year and I get to travel all over Oregon to manage them. Last week was spent in Pendleton and I just returned home from Newport where the weather on the coast was gorgeous. Last year, six days after returning from Central Oregon my son was killed in a car accident, in Central Oregon.  I’ve planned luaus, graduation parties, birthday parties, girl’s weekends, girl’s nights, and many kids’ birthday parties…but NEVER, EVER did I imagine planning a Celebration of Life for someone, let alone my own child. It was the worst…the worst thing a parent is forced to do…and yet, I wanted it perfect for him and fitting of him and that began by finding a venue that was just right. You know, like Goldie Locks…too hard, too soft, just right. Well, that’s how I felt…this one is too trashy, this one is too small, this one just doesn’t feel like BJ, and then, in what seemed like months later I found it. The one that was just right; it was the perfect size, had lots of parking, had a play area for kids, had a kitchen, had a bar, had a huge stone fireplace, was a lodge, and it felt just like BJ! From the moment I drove up, I knew this was the place. And, yes, it was much more expensive than some of the other places, but they also offered a nice discount for this “occasion”; which was not an “occasion” to me at all. But, it really was the perfect final gathering place for my son.