Every Day I Miss You

Black Friday shopping is bittersweet now. I used to have it all figured out; what I would get each of you every year.  Things changed when we lost you and now my brain just doesn’t function the same as it used to. Sometimes I am on top of things and other times…not so much…sigh. I still remember the last Christmas present I got you; a Blu-Ray DVD player and the full Blu-Ray DVD Fast & Furious collection. I imagine this year I would have gotten you the Fate of the Furious!

As I was preparing my shopping list, as I do every year, I came across my original “Black Friday List”, an Excel file…yea; I’m a nerd like that! The same file I renamed Black Friday 2015; the last Christmas you were with us. Every year when I begin making my list I remove all of the previous year’s contents to start anew. I couldn’t bring myself to delete you from the list last year; so I didn’t. I made a new list. It’s all those little things we don’t think about; the things that are in our heart and in our head.

Christmas 1999

As I returned home this morning after my annual Fred Meyer early morning shopping extravaganza, I hid all my purchases and crawled back into bed to finish my night’s sleep. I couldn’t do it; you were in my head son. I wept thinking about what to write for today’s Forget You Not Friday post because I miss you so much. I’m doing life but I miss you and as much as a dearly love your brothers and all the kiddos there is a void in my heart. There will always be a void there, because that is your place in my heart. No one can fill it. It sits there with the memories of you, my love for you, and the painstaking heartache I feel since you died. The pain that is so deep all you can feel is a huge lump in your throat and it doesn’t go away until the tears stop.

January 2013; Celebrating Christmas 2012

I’m glad I have this little corner of my world where I can talk to you, BJ…where I can get my feelings out. They’re not being bottled up, brewing with pressure until the cork finally pops. I release them a little bit each week and I really think that helps me keep things in check. It helps me keep moving in life and through this journey of grief. Every day I miss you. Every day I love you. Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven, son.

This year you are honored with snowmen.

Snow....your favorite thing about winter!