The Cherry on Top

After we lose a loved one, some of the most difficult days to get through are the holidays; holidays they loved, holidays we love, and family holidays. But for me the most difficult day of the year is Mother’s Day followed a few days later by his birthday. No one ever thinks they will lose their child, let alone can begin to imagine the loss that consumes your existence. Eventually we learn to manage our way without them, but life is never as it once was. There is a sadness that resides inside your being and regardless of the desire to overcome it, sometimes it feels like you are hostage to it. Most of the time I can keep a stiff upper lip, a positive attitude, and hope of happier days ahead. 

When you are filled with grief, you hurt and sometimes that hurt is overwhelming. Grief makes you more susceptible to heartache, physical pain, and ailments you might otherwise be able to overcome more easily. You’ve heard of the “kick me when I’m down” saying, right? That’s how it feels sometimes. For nearly a year I have been dealing with shoulder pain that has escalated week by week and month by month. Just recently, I feel like the doctors are figuring it out. The first response, 10 months ago, was, “You pulled muscles back here,” as he pointed to my shoulder blade. “You need to go in and get some massages or you will end up with Fibromyalgia again.” Seriously, that’s your answer? No range of motion tests, no physical tests, no nothing…just listened to the onset and what was going on and told me to go get some massages. Well, most everything helps…temporarily! 

By early January the pain had escalated, increased, and moved further down the arm and become more intense than before. I went back to the doctor and insisted on some tests because this isn’t normal by any stretch of the imagination. This time my appointment was with my primary care and I have refused to see anyone else in the office. I have since had x-rays, followed by 5 weeks of not only unsuccessful Physical Therapy, but it made the condition worse. The therapist suggested I see my doctor again and insist on an MRI to find out what the actual injury is. I did just that. From my visit in February the doctor suspected a Rotator Cuff Tear, but the MRI showed five other things instead. The point of this is not “poor, woe is me” but to say that I have been in horrible pain which causes stress and exaggerates feelings; which when combined with grief leaves you feeling like nothing; hollow, sorrowful, exhausted, and wondering why I must go through this on top of loss. Why isn’t it enough just to go through grief? Why does God know I can handle more than I think I can? When will I feel like living again…every day, not just “some” days?

I know there are others out there that know exactly what I am talking about. You feel like you are emotionally drained, dealing with more than you ever expected to, hurting because you miss someone, and on top of that…likely have experienced some type of physical pain as the “cherry on top.” Stay strong, there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel, count your blessings, but most of all…don’t give up! God’s got this for you! Surrender and let Him carry you through this journey of your life. You are not alone.