Written, Thursday, May 3, 2018
Today is not a “better” day. My heart hurts and I find myself crying nonstop at the pain of missing you. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I miss you so much that I just hurt and cry and hurt and cry. Yesterday was such a positive and uplifting day filled with joy and friendships.
Today is not a “better” day. My heart hurts and I find myself crying nonstop at the pain of missing you. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I miss you so much that I just hurt and cry and hurt and cry. Yesterday was such a positive and uplifting day filled with joy and friendships.
Today as I am backing up one laptop preparing for my new
laptop, I decided I would FINALLY go outside and take the “Christmas” off of
your tree. It’s amazing how much new growth it has had this spring. It’s a
bittersweet task; I love the tree and the memorial to you, but I hate it
because it’s “your tree” and a memorial to you. I don’t want memorials…I want
you back!!! I come back inside and on the backup of my laptop up pops your
memorial video “You Should Be Here” and of course I push the button to play it;
I haven’t done that in a while. I can’t even get all the way through it without
the floodgates of my eyes opening up. I see you so happy, with friends, with
your dad, with me, with your brothers, and with your precious baby girl…and my
heart breaks all over again and I can’t stop crying and asking why? Why did you
have to die? I want you back so badly it hurts.
I have sitting on the table next to me the beautiful
necklace urn I had made for me, so I will have you with me…everywhere and
always. And then I hate the thought of knowing you are gone and all I have are
my precious memories and every single one is precious. Today, I just hurt. This is grief; at its rawest and most painful form.
No comments:
Post a Comment