The Good…
I am no stranger to grief. Over the past 20 years there have
been waves of loss followed by waves of grief. Each time I lose someone close
to me I discover more inner strength than I ever knew I housed. This time is no
different albeit this grief is so much more than any other. The Good is that I
am grieving, I am walking the process, and I am learning to continue life without
daily access to one of my children. I am learning it is ok to be happy and not
only be happy, but to show happiness to others around me. My other children and
my grandchildren need to know grandma is
happy, even though I sometimes have sad days or sad moments. Overall, I am
happy, and I know I have BJ’s blessing to be happy. Not only have his blessing;
he would insist upon it. It is a good feeling to know that on the 21st
month anniversary of losing my oldest child, I can say, “I am happy. I am still
grieving, but I am happy.” That is Good.
The Bad…
Once you lose someone; a parent, a spouse, a good friend,
and especially…a child, your way of thinking changes. I’ve mentioned before
that after losing my youngest sons father a natural question for him was, “if
something happens to you, mom, what will happen to me?” No matter their age,
you just can’t tell them, “that won’t happen, honey.” First, it’s not the truth
and second, they likely won’t believe you; not even at 10 years old. After that
loss, I set aside the time to get guardianship papers, a will, and life
insurance in place. You would be surprised how many people think “they have time”
and continually put it off. Don’t make that mistake, friend.
After loss, a difficult thing to overcome is the concern you
have when you hear a family member is traveling to another state for a ball
tournament, or a friend is on an adventure to another country, or even a wildfire
that sounds too close to someone you know. Hearing any one of these things, I
first smile…and then, involuntarily I get this vision of an accident that takes
them away or causes severe injury. I can’t help it. As quick as I have that
vision, most of the time I can shake it off just as quick. But there are those
times that I can’t shake it off; sometimes it is a vivid dream with too many
graphics and I wake up crying over the loss I experienced in my dream. Although
not real, it was vivid enough to feel real. Sometimes, I even have added
thoughts of grief for the families that lost their loved one…in my dream. These
involuntary thoughts are part of The Bad you don’t want to experience, and I am
thankful I don’t experience too often and usually triggered when I know someone
is traveling.
The Ugly…
Plain and simple…the first fourteen days of grief are The
Ugly, followed by another six months of ugly.
The
Grateful…
You’re in shock, you’re confused, and you’re angry! After
all, you just lost someone near and dear to you and you want to know why! Why
are they gone? Why did this happen? And…Why didn’t you protect my son, God?
Yes, you will likely be angry at God…if you are a believer. I didn’t even
realize I was angry with God; until the first time I returned to Church after
his death…February 18, in Southern California, with family. As praise began, so
did the tears, and I couldn’t control them. I sat down and hung my head low,
searching for tissues. I realized in those moments that I was angry at God,
angry that he wanted my son. A few months later I was Grateful; grateful that
He never left my side, grateful that he comforted me in my worst hours, grateful
that he gave me strength when I was weak, and grateful that he gave me grace to
get through each day. I knew it was ok to be angry, but I was more thankful to
be grateful in His faithfulness, His love, and His peace. I am grateful God is
walking me through grief; day by day.
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