It's Ok to Be Ok!

When you’re in grief and often asked, “how are you doing?”,  and if you respond with, “good” does that mean you loved the person you lost any less? Absolutely not! When you are grieving and writing about your journey, in the hopes of helping other mourners, am I doing a disservice to them if I write an uplifting post rather than one from the dark side of emotions? Absolutely not! No matter where someone is in their journey, I am likely not in the same exact place as another. It is important for others that are in the first few months, or even the first year, of grief to know that it’s ok to be ok.

You are not less of a spouse, child, or parent if you are learning to navigate yourself through the journey and finding a way to be happy without them. It is important for your well-being and for those around you, that you learn to “live” on your good days and still cry when you have the urge to cry. Grief is not scientific. Grief is filled with emotions; all kinds of emotions. Good emotions and ugly emotions…and you will be doing the best for you if you learn to express them as they arrive on your doorstep.

I recall a little over a year ago; BJ had been gone just shy of six months and I had just unexpectedly lost my oldest brother, me and a couple of my sisters (and a niece) were headed to Salt Lake City to spend a few days with my brother’s family. We planned a stop our first night to have dinner and see our other two sisters for a little while. We were enjoying dinner, having fun, and kidding around…as we always do. When we were finished, we knew we needed to take pictures of the 5 of us sisters because we don’t get the chance often. Well, the goofiness continued, and it was difficult for my niece to get some good shots because someone was always doing some shenanigan. Finally, I hear an outburst from my oldest sister, “You guys knock it off; this might be the last time we’re all together!” Instantaneously I burst into tears and turned my back to hide so I could weep. I wept, not at what she said or how she said it, but because all through dinner I kept thinking to myself…this might be the last time I am with all my sisters together in one place. She said the very thing that had been on my mind. After you lose someone, that is a part of you like BJ is a part of me, your thoughts about life and loved ones change. You value them and your time with them. You know they can be gone in a blink of an eye; that is reality. My sister has not experienced death in the same way I have, and she had absolutely no idea what she said would affect me the way it did. She had no idea what to say and I could see all of them huddling together with a loss of words to me. I pulled myself together pretty quick and we continued with photos.

I shared this story because that was only a few months after losing my son, compounded by losing my brother, and I was still in a very raw state of grief. I would likely handle that comment a bit differently now and would be able to keep myself composed…or, so I think. When in grief, we don’t often know what will set our emotions spinning and often the tears just flow. Now, nearly two years after losing BJ, the tears happen less often but still seem “bunched” together. I found myself weepy two days this week, at thoughts of him, his life, and my loss of his life. He is still hugely in the forefront of my mind and thoughts; he will always be with me. I am learning to navigate my journey and to share that it’s ok to be ok. It’s ok to express happiness on good days and it’s ok to cry on bad ones.