Missed Beyond Measure

I think many people have went through grief and they don’t even realize it. The first recognizable time I went through grief was nearly twenty years ago. As a counselor put it, I was grieving the loss of my marriage. Many of the symptoms then resemble symptoms now. I never really thought about grief by divorce, but it sure enough was. I was grieving the loss of life as I knew it, family as I knew it, my best friend, and my husband. There was life B.D. (Before Divorce) and life A.D. (After Divorce). It was difficult to navigate. I had been married nearly twenty years, we had two children together, two dogs, and a nice home. He was my best friend for the better part of that twenty years. We were high school sweethearts that married right out of high school and began our family soon thereafter.

A few years A.D. I lost my mother to sudden death, a few more years and my father died, I had severe and debilitating Fibromyalgia for nearly five years…this was my first 10 years of grief. Then I began my life renewed. I began a new career, I moved to a new home, we started Dillon in a new school, my older boys got married and started having babies. Life was good! I liked this new life. I survived divorce, the death of both parents, and a horrible disease. Grief is a process; a journey. We stumble, we lean, we fall, and we learn how to get back up. We are changed, and we become stronger, more confident, and more aware of our circumstance and our life. We know what we want, what we need, and what we will settle for.

And just as I’m getting comfortable in life again, it happens. Grief knocks on my door. It is the uninvited guest no one wants to have. Four years ago, Dillon’s dad had a stroke and eight days later he was gone. I had to do the unimaginable; tell him good-bye and tell him Dillon would be ok and I would take good care of him. I knew he could hear me; his heart rate increased while I spoke about Dillon. As difficult as that was, the next few months were nearly unbearable. I had to help my 10-year-old son through his journey of grief. My focus had to be on my child, after all I am an adult, and shouldn’t grief be easier for me? Grief is not easier for adults; it is different for everyone and with every loss. I found myself processing this loss by myself, in silence.

Just as we were coming to terms and learning to live life without his dad, BJ died. How cruel. How brutal. How unfair. Yes, I felt all those things and so much more! Dillon wonders, “whose next?” I still wonder why? Why does my little boy have to go through so much loss? Why did we lose his dad? Why did God take BJ? Why can’t I be more? Why can’t I feel like I’m doing everything right? Why can’t I feel like I am enough of a parent for Dillon? Why can’t the pain just stop?

I don’t have all the answers to why, but I do know that I am stronger than I was four years ago. I am stronger than I was two years ago. I am navigating my way. My sharing my journey is comfort to someone, brings peace in a moment, and has helped me express the heartache that no parent should ever have to feel. Grief is not just a journey; it is a new form of one’s self and a forever changed life.

For those that are grieving, remember to do something for you. Take care of you…every day take care of yourself. Start simple by getting out of bed. And a couple of days later, get out of bed and get dressed.  The first few weeks after BJ’s death, I got up and I got dressed…I felt accomplished and I knew he would be proud of me. I can count on one hand the days I stayed in bed or that I grabbed my laptop and worked from my bed; less than five days in almost a two-year span is pretty good! Find something that works for you; something attainable and just do it. I can honestly say; I am still in pain, I miss him more than anything, and I am one of his survivors. I am surviving, I am stronger, and yes, I am still in pain.