For the Very Last Time

How can it possibly be almost two years already?

Two years since you took your daughter to school, for the very last time.

Two years since you took her school clothes shopping, for the very last time.

Two years since you sent me a picture of her first day of school, for the very last time.

Two years since you played with her at the park, for the very last time.

Two years since you took her camping, for the very last time.

Two years since you held her, hugged her, and told her you love her, for the very last time.

Two years since you roared into my driveway late at night for your last weekend in “the valley”, for the very last time.

Two years since I saw your beautiful smile.

Two years since I heard your voice.

Two years since I laughed with you.

Two years since I heard more incredible stories of your summer shenanigans.

Two years since I hugged you.

Two years since I heard you say, “Love you, Mom.”

Two years since your brothers saw their big brother.

Two years since your father talked to you on the phone.

Two years since your nieces and nephews ran around the yard with you.

Two years since your daughter lost her father and her life was changed forevermore.

I could go on forever, because the pain is so real and still so raw sometimes…like today. My eyes are a well for the tears and my throat has a lump that catches my breath. I try to swallow as I try to hold back the tears, but it’s no use. There is a part of me that feels empty and a part of me that still has many tears for you. Life goes on and yet, some days, I stop. Grief has knocked the breath out of me and altered my life.

Grief is often thought of as a destructive intruder and not many realize that it is one of the most powerful teachers to learn from. To embrace grief, allows you to walk through it, learn from it, learn how to love others much more deeply, and how to love God despite it. Grief often takes a person on a journey of anger with God. Anger is also a natural part of the process. The key words, “part of.” Don’t let it become your entire process. Allow grief to be your teacher, so that you can live a fuller life and not take ordinary moments for granted. Grief is like a torrential storm that uproots all things familiar, but after the storm life becomes clear and gives you new perspective on everything that matters.

Tomorrow is the first day of September and seems to begin my difficult season. September 14, 2014, we lost Dillon’s dad. October 20, 2016, we lost our son, our brother, our uncle, our friend, and Cheyenne’s beloved “daddy”. I will remain hopeful for what God has planned in my future and in the future of those I love. Grief has given me the opportunity to know and understand God at a richer and more intimate level. Grief has allowed me to experience God’s hope and love that only He can pour into a hurting heart; my hurting heart. He never fails me. He always comforts me.