Time Does Heal...Right?

Written Saturday, January 20, 2018

"It's hard to believe BJ's been gone 15 months today. No matter the length of time, he lives in us and through us. It seems like an eternity already and yet like yesterday. Dance with Jesus, baby! Love you and miss you every minute."

This is how my day started…excited to try out my homemade coffee creamer and sitting down to work when realizing it’s the “20^th” of another month. And then, you find yourself calculating exactly how many months it’s been even though you just calculated it last month and the month before and the month before that…you get the picture. For the first time since October 20, 2017; BJ’s first birthday in Heaven, I decided to recognize this day on Facebook. And after my message has posted, I reread it and that is the moment my eyes fill with tears. Knowing my boy is in Heaven; waiting for the rest of us and knowing he’s never going to walk in my front door again and knowing his memory is living in me and it just hurts that one of my babies died. By now, there is an endless flow of tears. I feel each one running down my face, getting colder as they reach the end and fall to my shirt. I taste the salt of each one that hits my lip. I can’t reach for the tissue fast enough because I want to make sure I get my feelings down on paper; exactly how I am feeling them in this moment because I know there is someone else out there that will read this and will feel this and know they are not alone…even if it is only one person…they need to know they are not alone. These feelings happen, usually unexpectedly. They are part of the process, they are part of the healing, and they will likely happen for years to come. It’s not that I’m not letting go of BJ, it’s that I don’t want to let go of my memories of BJ and that I am keeping his memory alive. I am processing the feelings as they come; some days not at all and some days like a thunder storm.

“Time does heal and the pain does lessen”, people say. My perspective: Time will not heal your grief; it’s the effort you make in that time that will bring about healing and the pain doesn’t lessen, not for me anyway. It is just as intense, but I don’t feel it as often. Maybe it should say, “Your effort of time will bring about healing and painful moments occur less often.” That I would agree with, but it doesn’t have the same “ring” to it and here I am analyzing a silly statement because apparently I have nothing better to do on this Saturday morning. But when someone you love so much has died that statement does mean something and it’s not silly. Most people just beginning their journey have difficulty believing that they can heal over time because when you are waist deep in grief and turmoil it feels like it will never end. You feel like you will never stop crying or never start living again…and never heal. I guess you have to ask yourself: Would (fill in your loved ones name) want me to keep living? Would (fill in your loved ones name) want me to keep their memory alive? Would (fill in your loved ones name) want me to heal? My answers would be…Yes, Yes, and Yes…BJ would want that; for all of us in his life and most likely your loved one would too.

So, no matter where you are in your journey of grief, no matter what you are doing in this moment, no matter how much pain you are feeling, and no matter how many tears are falling…keep living, keep healing, and be thankful for this day as if it is your last because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. God bless you in this very moment.