Our Guardian Angel

My thoughts have been all over the place the past twenty-four hours. That’s usually the time I begin compiling my thoughts for my Friday post; when I start putting into perspective how I am feeling and where I am at emotionally in the moment. I’m not quite sure why they’ve been all over the place; whether it’s been a couple of later than usual nights, I haven’t gotten as much sleep, he’s been on my mind in many different ways, or (check the box) all of the above.  So, I’m just going to do what I always do and …lay it out there…even if it’s all over the place. Grief is rarely an organized journey!

To begin with, I have been making a valiant effort to reach my Fitbit goals this year and with that comes walking every hour. I sit at a computer all day long working and it is really important to remember to eat and to “get up and move” hourly; neither of which I have been good at doing. So, when my Fitbit vibrates at ten minutes before the hours I have designated as “active” hours, I get up and walk circles around my dining room and kitchen. It’s not a big circle, fourteen steps to be exact, but it’s what I have and it’s what I do.

This week as I have been walking in circles; each time I pass BJ’s urn with Cheyenne’s picture next to it I am reminded of her Christmas visit. We were looking forward to cookie making the evening we returned from Central Oregon and my surprise to her was a Christmas Cookie Party the following night where she was the guest of honor. She would get to spend a few hours with some of her “west side of the mountain” family, friends, and kiddos…and, she was excited. First things first though, she was excited to give me a Christmas card along with her school picture. As I opened it and stared at the beauty in the photo she asked, “Grandma, will you put my picture up next to daddy?”  It’s still there, even though I need to get just the right frame for it. During our visit I came to realize, for most conversations, BJ is daddy and Kevin is dad. I won’t lie…that does take some getting used to and the first time I heard her refer to Kevin as dad it did sting and hurt. The entire situation has taken some getting used to. Not because of BJ’s death and not because of the impending finality to the marriage at the time of his death, but because of both.  They both had time to mourn the loss of their marriage; I had not gotten to that place yet. I hadn’t gotten to a place where Carrie and I had figured out the dynamics of our post-divorce relationship and I can honestly say that I don’t know how that would’ve looked had BJ not died. I do know that from the moment the split started BJ insisted that I keep a relationship with Carrie because she’s been like a daughter to me, she is Cheyenne’s mother, and she is a good mother. It was difficult not to feel heartache for my son during that time; which also meant that it was difficult to continue the same relationship I once had with Carrie.  I may not have been thrilled about the ending of their marriage or the way it came to be, but that has nothing to do with his death. I am also a firm believer that “they” were getting a divorce and neither of them was divorcing family and friends. Many people lose sight of this. Since that dreadful night 15 months and 6 days ago, I have built a new and better relationship with Carrie and I am accepting their family situation where Kevin fills the role of dad to my granddaughter.  He does not take BJ’s place; he has entered a different place in Cheyenne’s life, she knows the difference, and that's all that matters. I am thankful that Carrie does and will continue to keep BJ’s memory alive for Cheyenne, as that little girl is his greatest living legacy. I can clearly see that Cheyenne and Keegan are thriving in their environment and that, more than anything, is the most important thing. BJ will always be loved, never be forgotten, and his memory kept alive. There will be a day when Cheyenne doesn’t remember him as clearly as she does now; that is just the nature of the beast, but she will always have her memories and she will always learn more about him through the memories of others. Yes, all of this from walking circles.

As I mentioned earlier, my sleep or lack thereof was getting the best of me by yesterday afternoon so I opted for an early to bed evening.  I’m a dreamer, some people aren’t, but I am. Last night I dreamt BJ was back….here…alive. It’s different from other dreams I’ve had since he died. The other dreams he’s entered to give me a message; to let me know he’s watching us and he’s still with us. Last night we were racing four wheel drives around and he couldn’t believe everyone thought he was dead for the past 15+ months.  There were a lot of people there but the only faces that were clear were mine, BJ’s, and Bryan’s. They were inseparable; BJ and Bryan. You could tell Bryan had his brother back and he was not leaving his side for a moment.  As BJ and I were sitting down to have a heart-to-heart about what this time was like without him, I was abruptly awoke by the cry of the bladder…at 4 o’clock am. I’m not sure why the time is significant but it certainly does feel that way to me. I crawled back into bed…only to feel the heartache of his loss again. He has been in many dreams, but from Heaven. This one was so different, that even asleep; it gives you a false hope. I hope that this has all been a bad dream and he will walk through my door and give me a hug again. And to know that is not true, just makes me cry and have a strong desire to have him with us again.

I will keep praying for him to be in my dreams…from Heaven…to bring me messages. But I will never pray nor do I want another dream where he is back from the dead. That was just too painful! The message in this dream; the brother bond my two oldest sons share will never be broken and is as strong today, even though one of them is in Heaven. He is in Heaven watching and protecting his daughter and his brothers. He is our guardian angel.