I AM Prepared

I have struggled about what to write today. My mind is going in a million directions and there are so many things about what is on my mind that bring up thoughts of BJ.

I’m planning four days in Central Oregon next week with family. Always…always…always a trip over the mountain brings thoughts of BJ. How much he loved living there. How he found his way in life living there. How his most precious day ever, when his baby girl was born, was when he was living there. How he loved the climate there. How he loved the adventures there. How he loved the friends he made there. How his life really began, and how it ended, there. Sigh.

I’m planning my birthday weekend; another trip to the coast. Two years ago, on my birthday, was the last time I saw BJ, the last time I hugged BJ, and the last time he walked through my door. He was in late and out early and gone in between. He was happy that weekend; the happiest I had seen him in quite a long time. He was starting to figure out life after marriage, life as a single parent, and how to date again. He’s like me; he could look at the prospect of “life after” and get excited for the unknown, what was to come, and what adventure was next. His “life after” ended soon thereafter and his “after life” began.

I listen to Dillon be excited about learning to drive and what kind of car should he buy first. Buy first? Ha! Son, it’s what kind of car can you afford (period, no first about it!). LOL, I listen as he tells me why it might be a Mustang and what years and styles he likes. I listen as he tells me why it might be a Jeep and what styles he likes of those. The list goes on and YES, it very much reminds me of BJ and his love of cars and how many could he possibly own? Oh, I don’t know? How much acreage do you have? The boys and their toys!

So, yes, my mind is all over the place today. Am I grieving? Yes. Am I in a good place in my journey? Yes. Do I still have a rough journey ahead? Likely. Am I prepared? Yes. I am prepared for every day thoughts that lead to every day thoughts of BJ. I am prepared to laugh at some and cry at others. I am prepared to continue to live life without my son, knowing that I will be with him again one day. I am prepared to live life without expectations of what’s next. I am grieving. I am a survivor. I am prepared.