Fifteen Years of Goodbyes and A Bag of Rocks

For a dozen years death came to my life every couple of years. It started in April 2002 when our family lost our mother. It was sudden. It was gut wrenching. It was difficult to feel in my heart that this was the end of her on earth with us. It was heartbreaking to watch her slip away from us. I recall slowly watching her heart rate drop from Friday evening until Monday evening, praying with her and two of my sisters for her salvation, and knowing when she took her last breath she went home to be with Jesus. A joyous day in Heaven, a heartrending day for her family. By 2012, I realized someone from one branch or another of my family had died. As we get older, we start to expect it.

What I didn’t expect was to all of a sudden lose someone every year. That is too much! That started in 2014, when we lost Dillon's dad, Rich. In 2015 Uncle Jack, 2016 BJ, and 2017 my oldest brother Ronnie…TOO MUCH!

After Rich died, there was concern for his then ten year old son. How will he handle that kind of a loss? Does he need to be in counseling? After some research he joined a group of middle schoolers at the Dougy Center. What a phenomenal place! He could share as much or as little as he wanted or nothing at all. There was never any pressure. Bonus, while he met with his like-situation peers mom met with her like-situation peers. We met for ninety minutes twice a month.

Two years after losing his dad, he was getting emotional as the loss was now settling into his heart and his mind. Dad is not coming home. He was struggling adjusting to school, adjusting to the finality of dad in Heaven, adjusting to his new life. The morning of October 20, 2016 he woke up an emotional mess, he broke down for one of the first times in a long time and told me how much he was missing his daddy. My heart ached for his heart. We sat on my bed and both sobbed. It was a difficult morning but it was also a morning of progress on this long road known as grief.  Little did we know, we would lose his brother that very night. Little did I know that the following day I would have to sit him down and tell him his brother was gone, he was in an accident, and in the blink of an eye we won't see him until we are gone. Just when he thought he was adjusting to life without dad, when he thought he was ready to leave the Dougy Center, his brother was gone. Now he was thankful for the Dougy Center. Thankful to be among peers that had stories of their own, peers that understand. As helpful as the Dougy Center has been for Dillon that is equally true for me. I have made connections, I have heard stories, I have shared stories, we have shared our grief. The Dougy Center is a safe place to share whatever you are feeling in the moment or share nothing and just listen to others.  Once again, Dillon has decided he is ready to leave the Dougy Center and because the Dougy Center is for children and because I have allowed Dillon to steer his own journey of grief, I also must allow him the decision to stop going when he feels he is ready. This past Monday night was our last night at the Dougy Center. The Dougy Center has an informal time of goodbye when someone leaves and Dillon enjoyed his last time with this group; although we are able to return at any time. I, on the other hand, am not in the same place in my journey and the good byes were difficult. They have a little ritual when someone leaves. In our adult group, I picked four rocks from their bucket of rocks. Usually they suggest three smooth ones to represent how far you have come in this process and one rough one showing there is still room for more grief and growth. They provide a small bag for the rocks and then we pass the bag of rocks around the room and each person can share their experience of my participation in the group or if they don't know me they can just wish me well in the future. It was hard to say goodbye, it was hard to share why I was there, who I had lost and how they died. I still could not get through that without tears.

Picking out my rocks was a weird experience. How does one pick out rocks? As I looked in the bucket and rummaged my hand around, I saw a green one and I felt a little glimmer in my heart. It was like BJ was saying, "pick me, mom, pick me". It was a smooth rock, a slightly shiny rock, but to me it represented my smooth and steady love for my son, now in Heaven. So, you could say I was "pulling a BJ" and breaking the rock rules! I picked my four rocks a little differently. One would catch my eye and it would represent something about that person and not where I am at in this endless cycle of grief. I don't think there are any rocks quite as jagged as I feel most of the time.

This rock, "an angel's wing" represents Rich, Dillon's angel in Heaven.

This rock is my version of Salt Lake, where my brother Ronnie lived for many years.

I have two beautiful green rocks, neither one jagged, one shinier than the other.

Both for my precious boy in Heaven. BJ's favorite color was green. 

BJ would say, "they are just rocks, mom". They are just rocks, rocks that remind me I had a group of people that welcomed me, let me cry, let me talk, and let me cry some more. People that felt my pain as I shared for the first time that I had just lost my oldest son, people that cried with me, people that did not judge how I was handling it or how I am doing. People that just let me be me.

As I continue in life, I will never be ready for the next one that dies. I won't be any more prepared than any of the other times, but I do know there will be a next time.

For more information on the Dougy Center, the National Center for Grieving Children & Families: www.dougy.org

Clear Lake, Stars, and Good Memories

Even though you weren't physically there this year, son…it was said by many…you were there! A favorite picture of you, taken at your last camping trip to Clear Lake, was posted on two trees near the campfire.  There was plenty of Coors Light and mama passed the moonshine around the campfire. You know, the moonshine we brought back from Tennessee, on our way home from South Carolina.  A trip I will be forever grateful for in so many ways and for so many reasons. I am also grateful that I took your baby brother and went camping at Clear Lake. A camping trip you should've been on instead of me. But when life gives us lemons, we make lemonade and that was my lemonade of the situation.

Your girls, you know…Amanda and Kristy…they knew you were there. I was told on the first night, after dark, when things were in a bit of disarray…I don't know all the details about that, son, but I do know your girls felt comfort in your presence with them.  As they walked out to the clearing by the lake and looked up, they encountered more stars in the sky than they've ever seen there. They were amazed by the spectacular display and knew it was you. You, letting them know you are with them…always. I had to chuckle to myself, because both Amanda and Kristy were so enthralled by that display…mama may have heard that story twice. :D 

It was a good time. I met more of your friends. They always make me feel welcome, although I can sometimes see in their eyes they don't know what to say to me. I suppose I would be the same way meeting the mom of a good friend that died. What does one say? I'm sorry for your loss. Are you doing ok? He should be here.  But, it's ok and I'm ok…or at least better than I was six months ago…on most days anyway. It's still very difficult not to break down when the emotions get too high or the thoughts get too deep and before you know it…bam,  I'm crying a river of tears again because I miss you so damn much! I often hear from many people…I just want one more of his bear hugs, I want to see that big infectious smile one more time, I just want one more conversation with him. But, you know what? ONE MORE would not be enough. It wouldn't be enough for me and it wouldn't be enough for you. So, hold on to the last one you had…the last hug, the last smile, the last conversation; because some people may not even recall their last and if you do, you are one of the lucky ones.

And so the story goes…I had a great time at Clear Lake…well, at least the first night! Mama needs to remember…she can't party like it's 1999 or like she's 29. As it goes sometimes, I had a great time, I might of drank a bit much, but I was with good people, sharing good stories, missing a great man. I imagine you with that mischievous grin on your face, watching the camp show from above…loving that your mom was there…being her somewhat obnoxious self…and even possibly shaking your head at me! :D

Above all the fun, all the memories, all the stories…it just breaks my heart to see one friend in particular and the overwhelming sadness he feels everyday. We took a walk, we had a great conversation, he wears his heart on his sleeve, and he grieves for you every single day, son. He remembered how he felt a year ago, when you drove into camp, and the words you asked him when you stepped out of your truck and his amazement that you would even ask if you two "were ok". But, as a person going through a divorce we don't know how mutual friends feel or how we (the impending divorce') will be received. I think we too often don't give people enough credit and too many people forget their friends are getting a divorce and that doesn't mean they are divorcing the friends. Friends shouldn't have to choose sides. But regardless, this is about your friend missing you and remembering a year ago when you were there and not being able to share this with me without many tears. I am continually amazed by the magnitude of lives you so profoundly touched, and continue to touch, here on earth. They all take care of me, you know? Your friends, your brothers. The relationships have grown much deeper. People are showing they care about each other, making sure one another knows they are loved.

When I look at the big picture of how things are with you in Heaven, your death has brought a lot of pain, a lot of heartache, but it has also brought a lot of love, a lot of new friendships, and deepened many others. Still, from Heaven, you amaze me in what is happening here...all...because you aren't here.

Big shout out to Bob and Kristy…Happy Birthday friends!

Mixed Emotions and a Campfire

Today, I am headed to the "Clear Lake Campout". A campout with BJ's friends. A campout I have never went on and a campout he rarely missed.  Last year was the first year he went alone as it was shortly after the divorce stuff began. BJ was a mess. He told me many things about that trip, but they were personal to him and they will stay that way.  BJ has a wonderful group of friends, all across the state of Oregon and beyond. I have had a bonfire with his Central Oregon peeps, I am now camping out with his St. Helens peeps (that's what I call the Hall et al group! LOL), and in a month I will be hanging out in Colorado with his (oh Lord, what do I even call Kyle!?)...well his little mini me of the later years. I say that because in his pre-adult life his baby brother, Bryan, was "baby BJ" or "baby nickel", as their friends called him. I am blessed to have all these "kids" in my life and so very grateful that they welcome me as "mom", "mama", "momma", and "ma". 

In the spring of 2016, BJ and I talked about me and Little D going camping with "them" that summer. But when divorce chaos arose that didn't happen. I am thankful for our cross country trip to South Carolina to visit Kyle, Allison, and Baby John though! I am blessed that his last vacation was shared with me and I will treasure that time forever.

I haven't camped in a tent…in…well…a good 20+ years! Dillon and I have never tent camped together. We have been in a yurt, teepee, and a cabin or two…but never a tent. If one of us doesn't come home, please forgive and bless the survivor!!! 😎 LOL

I am excited for this campout. I have no idea what to expect, but I anticipate it to be much like it was when Bill and I took BJ and Bryan camping with Uncle Jack and Aunt Terrie…and all the others we drug along with us at one time or another. Just a bunch of good people getting together for a little R & R along the lake! Oh heck…who am I kidding…I pretty much expect it to be a two day "let it all out and do what you want" time for mama cause she doesn't have to drive anywhere! She'll be with God, nature, and family…let the good times roll!  I imagine there will be stories of BJ and the "crazy" he brought to camp. I even imagine there might be some tears at his absence this year. But it's all good…we're with family,  we're loved, and the more tears the merrier when you're grieving!

Stay tuned to hear how this adventure goes.

Their "towel hero"! 

Happy Birthday Bill

Life seems to happen in increments; especially these days. I focus on "what's next" to get me through from one moment, one day, one week to another. This frame of mind began 8 months ago June 21; the day I got that dreadful news…a day after our son died.  From that moment my focus was to tell his little brother, then to plan his celebration, get through the celebration…all without falling apart, all with heartbreaking thoughts of his little girl and what she was feeling and how her little six year old mind was understanding that her daddy is now in Heaven and he wouldn't be picking her up from school any more. He wouldn't be taking her to the park to play anymore. He wouldn't be with her…physically…anymore. My heart breaks for that little one.

After the immediate focus, my focus was the holidays. They would never be as I had known them to be for 35 years. There would be one less person to buy gifts for, there would be one less person at our dinner table, and my son was gone…in the blink of an eye, he was gone.  How could I possibly get through the holidays? How can I possibly help his baby brother when I, myself am falling apart? Prayers, strength, and God's Grace; that's how. I mustered up what I needed to, even though I don't necessarily know what that was. I got through the holidays, then I got through my conferences, Dillon's birthday, the first time to his cross, Mother's Day, his birthday, his daughter's birthday, and Father's Day. As Father's Day approached, my thoughts and grief went to his dad because no matter how I was feeling about BJ not being here on Father's Day, with his daughter on Father's Day…he also was not with his dad, his dad did not get a phone call from him. I know how this feels; I just made it through Mother's Day. YES, I made it through Mother's Day; I am on the other side now. His dad made it through Father's Day.

Today, June 20th, 8 months since our son went home to Jesus, is his dad's birthday. My heart aches for him. I know he is in a much different place than I am. I have a different support group. I have a different social life. I have my blog. I have my friends. We both have our family, but he is in a much different place in his grief journey than I am.  I hurt for him, not just today, but every day because I don't think he knows how to process the loss of our child. He doesn't have the distractions that I do. I hurt for him. I cry for him.  Even though Bill and I have been divorced for 17 years, I still hurt for him in this process. I want to take him aside and tell him it's ok to hurt, it's ok to cry, but don't forget it's ok to live too. We can't bring our son back, because trust me I WOULD IF I COULD, but we can honor him and his memory every single day. BJ would not want any of us to stop living…SO DON'T.

Bill, I'm sorry our oldest son died, and I'm sorry he died on the 20th of a month, because one anniversary date every year will always be on your birthday. I'm sorry for your pain, as I know it all too well. Hold on to the memories you created with him and know that you will one day, with God's Grace, be together again.

Happy Birthday, Bill, father of BJ, our son in Heaven and father of Bryan, our son still with us. May peace be in your heart today.

Thinking Back

Thinking back…

I started writing my feelings down when I knew I was going to start this blog, so when it seems like I am jumping around chronologically…I am! Even though it is now June 16, 2017, it would be a disservice to others suffering or grievers following my blog not to share ALL the feelings and thoughts of this journey.

Written March 17, 2017

Is it just too much that he is on my mind all the time. Is it too much that I talk about him all the time? Is it too much what I share on social media? Is it too much?

My son died! So, in my mind it is not too much. But do I keep others from closing that door? Do my outbursts on social media just keep drudging up the past? It is unbearable to think that my pain could be causing others unnecessary pain. I don't want to do that. But, I don't want to forget my son. I don't want anyone to forget my son. Is that even possible? I find myself wanting to say something to him so I have been doing that on social media. Is that wrong? 

 That is part of the reason I have decided to do this blog. A place where I don't have to suffer in silence from a pain far greater than any I have felt before.  I can speak what's on my mind…to BJ…to others that are grieving. I can express how much I miss him. I can share the hole that is in my heart; a different hole than he had in his heart. That one can be repaired; this one cannot. I believe that mine can become smaller if I have a place to take my journey of grief. A place where no other living soul has to be unless they want to be. A place where they know they can grieve with me.

Today, June 16, 2017…Forget-YOU-Not-Friday

He is still on my mind all the time, I still talk about him quite often, but I have come a long way in three months. I still share on Facebook, but I save my gut wrenching and raw feelings for my blog…a safe place that I have provided for myself and for others that are grieving…a place where no one has to come unless they want to.

As I sit here, on this rainy morning in Oregon, I am thinking back to all that I have been through in just this last three months, since March 17th…

• One spring break (spent in Central Oregon, with his daughter)
• My first trip to his cross at the accident site 
• A Central Oregon bonfire with his friends, in his honor
• Two conferences
• Four holidays, including my first Mother's Day without my son
• The death of my oldest brother and a trip to Salt Lake City
• His 36th Birthday, celebrated with family and close friends, without him here
• My second trip to his cross, on his birthday
• His daughters 7th Birthday without him

As we approach Father's Day, his dad's birthday, an annual camping trip to Clear Lake, the 4th of July, his brother Bryan's birthday, his "Chicka's" birthday, and my trip to Colorado to visit one of his best friends family…all to come in the next six weeks…my heart aches for what these days will mean for those people. Father's Day for his daughter, Father's Day for his dad, an annual camping trip where he will only be in spirit, the 4th of July where friends and family that have spent with him but no longer will, his brother's birthday with no phone call or text message from his "big brother", my trip to Colorado that will begin on the 9th month of his death…and Chicka…who will begin her "firsts" this July; including her first birthday without him.  They only had four months together, but in that four months they shared their lifetime and she misses him like crazy and will soon begin her "firsts".

Through all of this, my message to you is…Don’t take one single day, one single moment for granted. In the blink of an eye your world can change drastically, change forever, and you will never see it coming. Hug your babies, honor your parents, love your spouses and if your marriage is in disarray; fix it, fight for it. Don't be in the majority of today with the mindset that it's easier to give up, get a divorce, and move on. You made the commitment and it is your responsibility to do your very best to keep it intact. Make sure your children know they are loved; praise them daily, they need it. Praise them for the little things, not just the things that are known as "accomplishments".  Praise them for putting the dishes away, for mowing the yard, for taking out the garbage! Tell them you love them EVERY SINGLE DAY; even when they grow up, move away, and have families of their own…they need to still hear that!

Happy Father's Day to all the dads that read this, to all the dads in Heaven, to my dad, Dillon's dad, BJ and Bryan's dad, and to my boys…BJ in Heaven and Bryan in Oregon; two of the very best dad's kids could have. I love you deeply, I love you unconditionally, and I love you forever!

Bill and BJ, love their smiles!!!