Thinking Back

Thinking back…

I started writing my feelings down when I knew I was going to start this blog, so when it seems like I am jumping around chronologically…I am! Even though it is now June 16, 2017, it would be a disservice to others suffering or grievers following my blog not to share ALL the feelings and thoughts of this journey.

Written March 17, 2017

Is it just too much that he is on my mind all the time. Is it too much that I talk about him all the time? Is it too much what I share on social media? Is it too much?

My son died! So, in my mind it is not too much. But do I keep others from closing that door? Do my outbursts on social media just keep drudging up the past? It is unbearable to think that my pain could be causing others unnecessary pain. I don't want to do that. But, I don't want to forget my son. I don't want anyone to forget my son. Is that even possible? I find myself wanting to say something to him so I have been doing that on social media. Is that wrong? 

 That is part of the reason I have decided to do this blog. A place where I don't have to suffer in silence from a pain far greater than any I have felt before.  I can speak what's on my mind…to BJ…to others that are grieving. I can express how much I miss him. I can share the hole that is in my heart; a different hole than he had in his heart. That one can be repaired; this one cannot. I believe that mine can become smaller if I have a place to take my journey of grief. A place where no other living soul has to be unless they want to be. A place where they know they can grieve with me.

Today, June 16, 2017…Forget-YOU-Not-Friday

He is still on my mind all the time, I still talk about him quite often, but I have come a long way in three months. I still share on Facebook, but I save my gut wrenching and raw feelings for my blog…a safe place that I have provided for myself and for others that are grieving…a place where no one has to come unless they want to.

As I sit here, on this rainy morning in Oregon, I am thinking back to all that I have been through in just this last three months, since March 17th…

• One spring break (spent in Central Oregon, with his daughter)
• My first trip to his cross at the accident site 
• A Central Oregon bonfire with his friends, in his honor
• Two conferences
• Four holidays, including my first Mother's Day without my son
• The death of my oldest brother and a trip to Salt Lake City
• His 36th Birthday, celebrated with family and close friends, without him here
• My second trip to his cross, on his birthday
• His daughters 7th Birthday without him

As we approach Father's Day, his dad's birthday, an annual camping trip to Clear Lake, the 4th of July, his brother Bryan's birthday, his "Chicka's" birthday, and my trip to Colorado to visit one of his best friends family…all to come in the next six weeks…my heart aches for what these days will mean for those people. Father's Day for his daughter, Father's Day for his dad, an annual camping trip where he will only be in spirit, the 4th of July where friends and family that have spent with him but no longer will, his brother's birthday with no phone call or text message from his "big brother", my trip to Colorado that will begin on the 9th month of his death…and Chicka…who will begin her "firsts" this July; including her first birthday without him.  They only had four months together, but in that four months they shared their lifetime and she misses him like crazy and will soon begin her "firsts".

Through all of this, my message to you is…Don’t take one single day, one single moment for granted. In the blink of an eye your world can change drastically, change forever, and you will never see it coming. Hug your babies, honor your parents, love your spouses and if your marriage is in disarray; fix it, fight for it. Don't be in the majority of today with the mindset that it's easier to give up, get a divorce, and move on. You made the commitment and it is your responsibility to do your very best to keep it intact. Make sure your children know they are loved; praise them daily, they need it. Praise them for the little things, not just the things that are known as "accomplishments".  Praise them for putting the dishes away, for mowing the yard, for taking out the garbage! Tell them you love them EVERY SINGLE DAY; even when they grow up, move away, and have families of their own…they need to still hear that!

Happy Father's Day to all the dads that read this, to all the dads in Heaven, to my dad, Dillon's dad, BJ and Bryan's dad, and to my boys…BJ in Heaven and Bryan in Oregon; two of the very best dad's kids could have. I love you deeply, I love you unconditionally, and I love you forever!

Bill and BJ, love their smiles!!!