Happy Birthday Bill

Life seems to happen in increments; especially these days. I focus on "what's next" to get me through from one moment, one day, one week to another. This frame of mind began 8 months ago June 21; the day I got that dreadful news…a day after our son died.  From that moment my focus was to tell his little brother, then to plan his celebration, get through the celebration…all without falling apart, all with heartbreaking thoughts of his little girl and what she was feeling and how her little six year old mind was understanding that her daddy is now in Heaven and he wouldn't be picking her up from school any more. He wouldn't be taking her to the park to play anymore. He wouldn't be with her…physically…anymore. My heart breaks for that little one.

After the immediate focus, my focus was the holidays. They would never be as I had known them to be for 35 years. There would be one less person to buy gifts for, there would be one less person at our dinner table, and my son was gone…in the blink of an eye, he was gone.  How could I possibly get through the holidays? How can I possibly help his baby brother when I, myself am falling apart? Prayers, strength, and God's Grace; that's how. I mustered up what I needed to, even though I don't necessarily know what that was. I got through the holidays, then I got through my conferences, Dillon's birthday, the first time to his cross, Mother's Day, his birthday, his daughter's birthday, and Father's Day. As Father's Day approached, my thoughts and grief went to his dad because no matter how I was feeling about BJ not being here on Father's Day, with his daughter on Father's Day…he also was not with his dad, his dad did not get a phone call from him. I know how this feels; I just made it through Mother's Day. YES, I made it through Mother's Day; I am on the other side now. His dad made it through Father's Day.

Today, June 20th, 8 months since our son went home to Jesus, is his dad's birthday. My heart aches for him. I know he is in a much different place than I am. I have a different support group. I have a different social life. I have my blog. I have my friends. We both have our family, but he is in a much different place in his grief journey than I am.  I hurt for him, not just today, but every day because I don't think he knows how to process the loss of our child. He doesn't have the distractions that I do. I hurt for him. I cry for him.  Even though Bill and I have been divorced for 17 years, I still hurt for him in this process. I want to take him aside and tell him it's ok to hurt, it's ok to cry, but don't forget it's ok to live too. We can't bring our son back, because trust me I WOULD IF I COULD, but we can honor him and his memory every single day. BJ would not want any of us to stop living…SO DON'T.

Bill, I'm sorry our oldest son died, and I'm sorry he died on the 20th of a month, because one anniversary date every year will always be on your birthday. I'm sorry for your pain, as I know it all too well. Hold on to the memories you created with him and know that you will one day, with God's Grace, be together again.

Happy Birthday, Bill, father of BJ, our son in Heaven and father of Bryan, our son still with us. May peace be in your heart today.