Letting Go

Written Monday, March 20, 2017

Oh that grin...oh those eyes...

I don't know how to let go of you. I don't know how to quit thinking about you. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you have been gone five months now. How can that possibly be? It seems like yesterday you whirled in here like the wind; spending but a brief time before you whirled back in as fast as you arrived. You were always on the move. You liked being busy. And at the same time, you liked when you could take a break from being busy.  You were always off to see someone, help someone, or visit someone. Very seldom were you just "alone BJ". I don't think you liked the alone time; especially the six months prior to leaving us. You didn't like getting in your own head. You didn't like if you couldn't make sense of things, make sense of life, make sense of what the last half a year meant. You were a changed man. Marriage changed you, being a father changed you, and going through a divorce changed you. You were finally happy, you were finally making sense of life again, you were finding love again…you were happy! Some thought you might be moving on too quickly, but once you were gone we were thankful for that. We were thankful that you were not alone, that you had a wonderful relationship with your daughter, that you had many friends supporting you, and that you were spending time with a wonderful lady. We know now why things happened the way they did. We are still not happy that you are not physically with us any longer, but know that you will always be with us in our hearts, in our memories, and for Heaven's sake…in our minds. You are always on my mind. I don't know how to quit thinking about you…E V E R Y D A Y.

Remembering Our Brother, Ronald Lee Antonsen

Another dreadful Friday in the books and I know BJ won't mind sharing the Forget-YOU-Not Friday spotlight with his Uncle Ronnie. An uncle he didn't really know. I say "dreadful Friday", because I have had another notification of loss. That sinking feeling in your heart when you lose your breath, you are overcome with feelings of "oh my God, no, it can't be true", and all you can do is cry. Cry and shed more tears of a-n-o-t-h-e-r loss; a-n-o-t-h-e-r dreadful Friday notification.

Ronnie, as he was known by his siblings, was the oldest boy of the Antonsen clan. He moved to Utah early in his adult life, where he raised two great kids. He was a long haul truck driver for many years, loved tinkering on classic cars, and had a love for Jack…Jack Daniels that is! That was the case with many long haul drivers in the 70's and 80's…it just was. One would say he lived a typical life of a truck driver for his era, and they lived a "hard life". Ronnie was no exception to that. One would also say that he lived a long life, for the style he lived. My oldest brother was born on September 25, 1949 and left earth on April 14, 2017. As I get older, 67 years old just doesn't seem all that old anymore!

I didn't see my brother all that often nor did we talk on the phone often, but he did know I had very fond memories of him. I am thirteen years younger than him, so I don't really have memories of us living together as kids, but he knew he was "one of my favorites", mostly because he was just always fun!

When I was around ten we lived in Vale, Oregon and so did my sister Nancy and brother Ronnie, and their families. I remember one snowy winter day we were all bundled up out by one of the bare fields playing in the snow. Ronnie got this bright idea that he could tow us younger kids around on an old car hood behind a tractor.  We were kids…of course we thought it was an awesome idea! The only other thing I remember about that is when I was on the hood and Ronnie thought it would be fun to spin me in circles….well, as the story goes…those circles became faster and faster, until Peggy went flying off the "sled" (car hood).  I only recall that I hit my head and so the fun ended. :(

After he and his family moved to the Salt Lake area and Mom and Dad had moved us to the Centralia, WA. area and finally settling in the tiny town of Rochester; I recall Ronnie stopping by to see us in his "big truck".  I loved that! It was great to see him! He was fun and funny!  One time mom and dad let me ride to Aberdeen, Montesano, or one of those Washington Coastal places…in the big truck with him. That was so fun! It seems we were picking up Ocean Spray, but I'm certainly not sure; however, I think of him every time I see the Ocean Spray commercials and those guys standing in the water of cranberries. So, that is my story and why I think it must have been Ocean Spray we were off to pick up or deliver that day. For me, it was just fun being with my big brother in his big truck!

In the late 90's when I was on a family vacation with my own family, I had the opportunity to visit Ronnie and Cindy at their home in Utah. Even though, we only stopped in for the night, it was great to visit with them, see his projects, and see his home. By that time, he had given up truck driving and was a welder by trade. By this time, he had given up booze (for some fifteen years, I am told). My understanding is he took up with "Jack" again after our mother went "Home" in 2002. Sometimes it's just hard to give up old habits and old ways. I don't think he would apologize for it, it is who he was and often the drinking got the better of him. I do think he had a good heart, he loved life, and he was a good brother to me. Ronnie, I love you forever. I was planning to make another stop by and sleep over this summer on my way to Colorado and let you meet my little man. I'm sorry I no longer have that opportunity. Rest in peace dear brother. You will always remain in my heart.

Three weeks later…

We are off to Salt Lake City (SLC) to spend a little time with Ronnie's kids and grand kids. I loaded up the car, two sisters, and a niece and we were off.  We left on a Thursday, spent the night in Ontario, Oregon where we got to spend a couple of hours with our two oldest "seesters"!  It was the first time we had been together in eleven years; since the passing of our "daddy".  It was a joy to my heart to be with all of them, at the same time; share some food, share some laughter, and shed a few tears…knowing that this could be the last time we would all be together. Time has a funny way of slipping away, we all have our own families, and we live miles apart.  Sometimes we have to be satisfied that sometimes the dearest ones to us live in our hearts, in our memories, in our thoughts; but they are not always within reach BUT they are only a phone call away, a Facebook message away, a memory away.

On a delightful, sunny Friday morning we were off to Salt Lake City and looking forward to time with family we rarely get to see! The trip did not disappoint. It was fun from the time we all got in the car to the time we arrived back home. The OCD and yet fun gal I am…decided it was a great idea to make a scavenger hunt for each of my passengers! Something fun, interactive, and very "kid like" and it was! They all assumed I had lost my mind when I handed out "individualized" hunts and highlighters when we were a few miles east on I-84…Eastbound and Down! Yes, I played that old tune in Ronnie's memory as we began our journey east.

We arrived in SLC early afternoon on Friday, May 5th…Cinco De Mayo…our niece Dawn's (Ronnie's daughter) birthday! We met up with two nephews, checked into the hotel, had lunch, and found our way to our great niece's home and enjoyed an evening of family, beer, and lots and lots of memories and stories! This was a DELIGHTFUL Friday!!! I am finding the desire to have a delightful Friday for every dreadful one. Today as I am writing this, I am anxiously looking forward to going out for coffee with a neighbor, going to some garden shops, and working in my flower garden…another Delightful Friday!

 

Saturday in SLC began with sleeping in…for a few of us…others were up at the crack of dawn and off to help with a yard and Man Sale at my brother's house. After sleeping in, enjoying breakfast, and loading up on coffee the rest of us went to Ronnie's house. He had a ton of tools and Man stuff for sale, a bit of household stuff, and many hand built birdhouses. I bought two "cowboy boot" birdhouses; one for me and one for Bryan…I love them!  Late afternoon and early evening we went to my nephew, David's (Ronnie's son) home and BBQ'd, enjoyed more stories, and observed the "Utah kids" teaching the youngest kids how to trap snails in a ring of salt and…well, you can guess! All in all, it was a fun trip! A quick trip, a priceless time with family, and lots of scenery along the way!

Thank you, BJ, for sharing this Forget-YOU-Not Friday with your Uncle! And, if you are together right now, give him a BIG hug for me! Love you both….

Seven months and still counting….

As I write this…it has been SEVEN MONTHS SINCE YOU LEFT US. How does a mother move on? How does a mother "get over" the loss of one of their babies? How do I learn to live without you?

How does a mother move on? Slowly. Carefully. With intention. With the love and support of family and friends. With God's GRACE.  God is full of grace, so accept it when it is given. Grace? What does grace really mean? By definition: 1. simple elegance or refinement of movement 2. a period officially allowed for payment of a sum due or for compliance with a law or condition 3. a short prayer of thanks said before or after a meal. By Christian definition: the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. So, with the free and unmerited favor of God, I will learn to move through this journey of grief or "move on" without my oldest son on earth. A son that provided love, laughter, and joy in my life.

How does a mother "get over" the loss of one of her babies? We don't! No one EVER "gets over it". Please don't expect that. Please don't ask that of a grieving person. We NEVER EVER get over the loss of someone that was a part of our life, a part of our being. It isn't going to happen, so please don't expect that it will. If you are grieving the loss of someone, know that you are not alone, your feelings are normal, and you will get through this; with God's grace, with the support of family and friends, and with the intent to move through the process referred to as "grieving". If you feel alone and do not have a personal support system, find a support group. It will help. You need to talk about your feelings, you need to cry, you need to move through this journey.

How do I learn to live without you? I am still learning to. No doubt, I will be learning to everyday for the rest of my days. I never imaged my life this way. I never imagined my life without one of my children on earth with me. I don't think any parent does. But nonetheless, here I am…without you. Why? I ask this question every day. God, why did you take my son from me on that rainy, dark night?  God, why did he accomplish in his 35 years on earth what you set out for his life, but I haven't at 54 years old? God, why didn't you "take the wheel" that night? God, why didn't you give me time to get there? To say my goodbye's to my son? I don't even know how to say goodbye to him and he's been gone SEVEN MONTHS! God, why didn't you let me say goodbye to him? Learning to live without my son is like putting a knife into my heart every single day. It's like taking a big gulp of air, just so you can breath for a few more minutes.  It's knowing you are missing every day, in every place, in every way. We learn to live without you; if only physically because you are implanted in our memories, you are part of our hearts, you are part of my being. I am your mother. You are my son. Your heart still beats within me. I still cry almost every day. The pain is still so severe that sometimes I can't catch my breath or I burst into tears. I surround myself with you because I don't want to be without you. I surround myself with pictures, forever trees, ash globes, hoodies, jackets, and everything you ever made me, bought me, and gave me. I surround myself with you. While your dad can't bear to have the reminders. You are in his head, you consume his memories, you are in his heart, and you are part of his being. You are OUR son, OUR brother, OUR daddy...we will learn to live without you but we do not want to!

     

Around the Bonfire

This page is dedicated to friends and family of BJ. Those who lost their best friend, their co-worker, their brother. Grief is not easy. It is downright difficult and ever-changing. What I am going through as his mother does not compare to what his brother of 32+ years is going through and it does not compare to what many of his numerous friends (also family) are going through. No grief is worse than another. It impacts each of us uniquely and individually. We all go through the journey at a different pace than another. I created this blog to have a release of my most inner feelings as I travel this journey I never asked to be on, but one I am on nonetheless. I created this page for others to share. It is important to me, and I know it would be important to BJ, that each one of you continue on the path life takes you. Do not look back. Do not be sad that you are still breathing and he is not. Do not be sad that you still have a life to live and he has renewed life in Heaven. Because the fact is, he is gone, he is in a happy place, and we still have the weight of the world with us. Shed your tears, let your sadness go, hug your little ones, and live your life. You will always have your memories and let them comfort you. I invite you to share your memories of my son. I invite you to share your journey of grief. We just never know when one little sentence, one little word, or one little thought might help someone else struggling through their own journey of grief. I have asked a couple of people to share, but I know taking that step is not easy. So, since I don't seem to be able to keep my thoughts to myself, I will share the first Around the Bonfire blog…

The day has come. It's been two months in the planning. As I wake up today, Friday, March 31, 2017, I am with my youngest son and my precious granddaughter, Cheyenne, Princess of Prineville…BJ's daughter, his pride and joy, the love of his life, the apple of his eye….

I have been excited for a while now to get together with some of BJ's friends, in a relaxed and fun atmosphere…Around the Bonfire. However, I must first make the trek to "THE CROSS". The Cross so lovingly built by his "Chicka". A beautiful, large, vintage looking cross so completely fitting of BJ's personality. I went there, I went there by myself. I needed to do this alone. I needed time to observe the spot where my son took his last breath, the spot where he lost his life nearly six months ago. It is a busy country road and what I know to be the desert…is a swamp! I am very thankful I brought along my "wellies"! I very privately and very discreetly cleaned up his cross from winter debris, from Christmas bouquets, dried out flowers, and deflated balloons. I love that there is a mason jar there for fresh flowers. I brought a single red rose, from his little brother…he so lovingly called, "Baby D" and then "Little D" as he got older. I brought a beautiful purple daisy to plant and if it doesn't survive mom will be bringing fake flowers from the Dollar Store…and BJ wouldn't even care!  On the upside…the ground was plenty soft so that I could plant the Daisy! :) I filled the mason jar with swamp water and made a home for the rose. I quietly stood there, tears streaming down my face in disbelief that my son is gone. In the blink of an eye, we lost him and in the blink of an eye we will be together again.

The bonfire…oh my goodness….it was WAY out of town and I was glad not to be driving. Thanks to a beautiful friend for not only being the designated driver (DD), but she also did the cooking which allowed me to mingle and be surrounded by the love of my son and his friends…friends that have been impacted by his death. I was excited to share a personally etched wine or beer glass with most everyone there. A memorial glass for my son. Even though there was plenty of Coors Light in his honor, there were all so plenty of DD's as well! We shared stories, we BBQ'd, and we missed BJ. We also felt him there in spirit. There were a lot of stories about bonfires with mattresses, even though this particular one contained a lot of dried out Christmas trees. "Little D" had much fun with his brothers friends, he had some meaningful conversations, and he had fun! I also had fun. I needed this! I found these weird little black things in a jacket pocket and after discussing this I also found out they are spark plug boots AKA "shop ammo". That means the guys in the shop have fun chucking them at one another. It seemed a good memory for them and the wild ways of BJ in the shop!  I gave a couple of the guys there that night a handful of this ammo; one immediately started chucking them across the bonfire at other guys (as I imagine BJ would do in this situation) while the other guy quietly turned away and shed some tears. In that very moment it was clear to me, how after over five months his friends are still suffering at the loss of their friend.

If you are reading this and have thought of something you would like to share email your story. It doesn't have to be eloquently written, just written from the heart.

Forget-YOU-Not

My week was going great. I had just come back from a conference in Bend, Oregon. I had talked to BJ a couple of times while I was there and again on Monday. He was happy, it was his five day stretch with Cheyenne, they had spent the weekend doing Halloween things…the Pumpkin Patch, Pumpkin Carving, and he ordered her the Queen of Hearts costume! It was a Friday, I was working, and I was happy! Until…

...the day that changed me forever. It is Friday, October 21st and I am off to take Dillon to school. Around 8:00 a.m. I got a Facebook (FB) message from an acquaintance…"Peggy my dear".  Ok, that's weird.  When I got home I logged in on the computer and responded…"what's up lady?"  I didn't hear anything back and figured she was busy and really didn't think any more about it. I had lots of work to do today.  About 10:15 a.m. I got another FB message, this time from a close family friend. I will leave out the colorful language, but basically said, "ma, I'm so effing sorry. I love that man so much. I will be there as soon as I can."  I started thinking people were losing their minds. I responded with, "what are  you talking about?" Silence, no response. Ok, now I have shivers running through me and I know something is not right. I texted Bryan; Have you heard anything about BJ?  My phone rang. It was that dreaded phone call; the one a parent NEVER wants to receive and one that should never have to come from another son.  On the other end of the phone he said, " BJ was in a fatal car accident last night and he's no longer with us". Oh my God, I am in immediate disbelief. I couldn't even begin to tell you what was happening. I then heard, "mom, I am on my way to your house. I should be there in about ten minutes. I'll be there soon mom."  I can't catch my breath. Things are flashing through my head. I started screaming…No, you can't have him yet! I didn't have time to save him! No, don't take my baby!  He was only 35 years old, he was not supposed to die yet.

Bryan is so strong, so much strength in that man. He immediately took care of things. He comforted me until friends came; then he had to go and be with his dad and then tell his kids. He sat here and put together a statement to put on FB; so thoughtful, so loving. I called a friend and a sister. My sister said she would call all the family so I didn't have to.  I don't know that I could've that day. We started getting many calls and messages. The world was not the same. My son was gone and our world was changed forever…in an instant...on that Friday, October 21, 2017. I am changed forever.

Today, May 16, 2017 - BJ's 36th Birthday, is the official launching of my blog:

Remembering BJ

His mothers journey through grief   

This blog is dedicated to his life and the love he brought to our life. He will be forever missed and forever remembered. This blog is my place to write my thoughts; even though jumbled at times. A place to talk to him; even though he can't use words to speak to me. A place to journal my journey through the unthinkable; the death of my child. My hope is that this blog will be shared freely with others and through social media. Shared so that it can reach that one person that might need to read just one thing that I write, that needs to know what they are feeling is normal because nothing about grief is normal and this is their new normal.  That person may not even be someone I know or someone you know, but it might be someone that needs to know they are not on their journey alone. 

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His "New Beginning"

My son was full of life; until he wasn't.
He had a huge heart; even though when he started life it had a hole in it.

He loved his daughter, family, and friends like no other; but God loved him more. 

God loved him enough to say, "come with me, BJ and let me give you everlasting life." BJ went.
 

It hurts, I won't lie. But at that point, he was no longer mine. The decision was made. He had fulfilled his earthly duty. God already knows when each of us will be given our choice to go "home" to be with him. Will you make the choice to be His child? We are all His from the beginning and we can all be His in the end. He prefers we walk with him and talk with him in between, but not all of us do. Some do for a while and some never know the glory of God. Christ died for us and we are given the choice in the end. Will you chose God?

He saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. Titus 3:5 (NLT)

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT) 

I know all of this and yet my heart aches as much today as it did on October 21, 2016, in the moment I heard those words. The days leading up to this day, his 36th Birthday, have been gut wrenching and I cannot hardly get through a thought without tears filling my eyes and then rolling down my cheeks. I know he would not want us to be sad that he is no longer here, but we are. We must be; it is part of the healing process. Through sadness we will find joy. Through gray skies we will see the sun again. Through snowy days....well, let's just say we know it is BJ smiling down on us and most likely laughing out loud! We cannot see him, but we can feel his presence and we know that he is not far.