Seven months and still counting….

As I write this…it has been SEVEN MONTHS SINCE YOU LEFT US. How does a mother move on? How does a mother "get over" the loss of one of their babies? How do I learn to live without you?

How does a mother move on? Slowly. Carefully. With intention. With the love and support of family and friends. With God's GRACE.  God is full of grace, so accept it when it is given. Grace? What does grace really mean? By definition: 1. simple elegance or refinement of movement 2. a period officially allowed for payment of a sum due or for compliance with a law or condition 3. a short prayer of thanks said before or after a meal. By Christian definition: the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. So, with the free and unmerited favor of God, I will learn to move through this journey of grief or "move on" without my oldest son on earth. A son that provided love, laughter, and joy in my life.

How does a mother "get over" the loss of one of her babies? We don't! No one EVER "gets over it". Please don't expect that. Please don't ask that of a grieving person. We NEVER EVER get over the loss of someone that was a part of our life, a part of our being. It isn't going to happen, so please don't expect that it will. If you are grieving the loss of someone, know that you are not alone, your feelings are normal, and you will get through this; with God's grace, with the support of family and friends, and with the intent to move through the process referred to as "grieving". If you feel alone and do not have a personal support system, find a support group. It will help. You need to talk about your feelings, you need to cry, you need to move through this journey.

How do I learn to live without you? I am still learning to. No doubt, I will be learning to everyday for the rest of my days. I never imaged my life this way. I never imagined my life without one of my children on earth with me. I don't think any parent does. But nonetheless, here I am…without you. Why? I ask this question every day. God, why did you take my son from me on that rainy, dark night?  God, why did he accomplish in his 35 years on earth what you set out for his life, but I haven't at 54 years old? God, why didn't you "take the wheel" that night? God, why didn't you give me time to get there? To say my goodbye's to my son? I don't even know how to say goodbye to him and he's been gone SEVEN MONTHS! God, why didn't you let me say goodbye to him? Learning to live without my son is like putting a knife into my heart every single day. It's like taking a big gulp of air, just so you can breath for a few more minutes.  It's knowing you are missing every day, in every place, in every way. We learn to live without you; if only physically because you are implanted in our memories, you are part of our hearts, you are part of my being. I am your mother. You are my son. Your heart still beats within me. I still cry almost every day. The pain is still so severe that sometimes I can't catch my breath or I burst into tears. I surround myself with you because I don't want to be without you. I surround myself with pictures, forever trees, ash globes, hoodies, jackets, and everything you ever made me, bought me, and gave me. I surround myself with you. While your dad can't bear to have the reminders. You are in his head, you consume his memories, you are in his heart, and you are part of his being. You are OUR son, OUR brother, OUR daddy...we will learn to live without you but we do not want to!