Around the Bonfire

This page is dedicated to friends and family of BJ. Those who lost their best friend, their co-worker, their brother. Grief is not easy. It is downright difficult and ever-changing. What I am going through as his mother does not compare to what his brother of 32+ years is going through and it does not compare to what many of his numerous friends (also family) are going through. No grief is worse than another. It impacts each of us uniquely and individually. We all go through the journey at a different pace than another. I created this blog to have a release of my most inner feelings as I travel this journey I never asked to be on, but one I am on nonetheless. I created this page for others to share. It is important to me, and I know it would be important to BJ, that each one of you continue on the path life takes you. Do not look back. Do not be sad that you are still breathing and he is not. Do not be sad that you still have a life to live and he has renewed life in Heaven. Because the fact is, he is gone, he is in a happy place, and we still have the weight of the world with us. Shed your tears, let your sadness go, hug your little ones, and live your life. You will always have your memories and let them comfort you. I invite you to share your memories of my son. I invite you to share your journey of grief. We just never know when one little sentence, one little word, or one little thought might help someone else struggling through their own journey of grief. I have asked a couple of people to share, but I know taking that step is not easy. So, since I don't seem to be able to keep my thoughts to myself, I will share the first Around the Bonfire blog…

The day has come. It's been two months in the planning. As I wake up today, Friday, March 31, 2017, I am with my youngest son and my precious granddaughter, Cheyenne, Princess of Prineville…BJ's daughter, his pride and joy, the love of his life, the apple of his eye….

I have been excited for a while now to get together with some of BJ's friends, in a relaxed and fun atmosphere…Around the Bonfire. However, I must first make the trek to "THE CROSS". The Cross so lovingly built by his "Chicka". A beautiful, large, vintage looking cross so completely fitting of BJ's personality. I went there, I went there by myself. I needed to do this alone. I needed time to observe the spot where my son took his last breath, the spot where he lost his life nearly six months ago. It is a busy country road and what I know to be the desert…is a swamp! I am very thankful I brought along my "wellies"! I very privately and very discreetly cleaned up his cross from winter debris, from Christmas bouquets, dried out flowers, and deflated balloons. I love that there is a mason jar there for fresh flowers. I brought a single red rose, from his little brother…he so lovingly called, "Baby D" and then "Little D" as he got older. I brought a beautiful purple daisy to plant and if it doesn't survive mom will be bringing fake flowers from the Dollar Store…and BJ wouldn't even care!  On the upside…the ground was plenty soft so that I could plant the Daisy! :) I filled the mason jar with swamp water and made a home for the rose. I quietly stood there, tears streaming down my face in disbelief that my son is gone. In the blink of an eye, we lost him and in the blink of an eye we will be together again.

The bonfire…oh my goodness….it was WAY out of town and I was glad not to be driving. Thanks to a beautiful friend for not only being the designated driver (DD), but she also did the cooking which allowed me to mingle and be surrounded by the love of my son and his friends…friends that have been impacted by his death. I was excited to share a personally etched wine or beer glass with most everyone there. A memorial glass for my son. Even though there was plenty of Coors Light in his honor, there were all so plenty of DD's as well! We shared stories, we BBQ'd, and we missed BJ. We also felt him there in spirit. There were a lot of stories about bonfires with mattresses, even though this particular one contained a lot of dried out Christmas trees. "Little D" had much fun with his brothers friends, he had some meaningful conversations, and he had fun! I also had fun. I needed this! I found these weird little black things in a jacket pocket and after discussing this I also found out they are spark plug boots AKA "shop ammo". That means the guys in the shop have fun chucking them at one another. It seemed a good memory for them and the wild ways of BJ in the shop!  I gave a couple of the guys there that night a handful of this ammo; one immediately started chucking them across the bonfire at other guys (as I imagine BJ would do in this situation) while the other guy quietly turned away and shed some tears. In that very moment it was clear to me, how after over five months his friends are still suffering at the loss of their friend.

If you are reading this and have thought of something you would like to share email your story. It doesn't have to be eloquently written, just written from the heart.