Surrounded by God's Beauty

As I sit here on this beautiful sunny morning sipping my coffee, I have many thoughts that go through my head. I am on vacation, I am surrounded by God's beauty, it is July 28, it is "Chicka's" birthday…and  all of these thoughts take me back a year…when I was on vacation with BJ, when we were seeing God's beauty from East Coast to West Coast making our journey back home, it was July 28, and he was excited to be home and celebrate the birthday of his lovely lady. I knew I would never forget her birthday because it is also the birthday of one of my nieces. 

Vacation this year has been much different than last year. Last year BJ was up early and excited every day to go and explore country he had never seen. He loved the Atlantic Ocean beaches and he enjoyed the charm of the south; however, he was not thrilled about the humidity or the big a$$ bugs…but there was not a whole lot that got under his skin or ruined his day. He made the most of life and rolled with a positive outlook most of the time. I miss that about him.

Like a vacation and seeing things for the first time; grief takes you through a journey where you see life in a new way. A journey where you can succumb to  the beast or you can roll with a positive outlook most of the time. I chose the latter. Make no mistake, it is not easy, but it IS my choice. I choose to keep living my life. I choose to see the beauty in my surroundings. I choose to not forget you!

If you are struggling to find the positive today, it's ok. We all take our journey at our own pace. Some days we are only able to get up and do the smallest of things while other days we have something to look forward to. It's ok. Spend your day the way you choose, but spend the day. Know that you are not alone on this journey. There are countless other people on their own journey and even though our journeys are different, they are the same. They are about loss…the loss of a parent, the loss of a sibling, the loss of a child. You may even be experiencing a living loss…the loss of a job, the loss of a marriage, the loss of community. Loss is loss. You may be in the middle of a compounded loss…multiple people, a job, a divorce, or a combination of losses. I encourage you to just sit…enjoy your surroundings of Gods beauty and reflect on where you are in your journey…choose to keep living, choose to not forget what or who has brought you on this journey, choose to get up and get dressed. #ForgetYOUnotFriday

Operation: Glass Etching

Written, Sunday, March 19, 2017

What a blessed weekend. My heart is full. As I sit here, the sun finally shining on this mid-March day, reflecting on the past twenty-four hours I know how blessed I am. BJ's passing has brought about many new friendships; deep friendships and they have one root, one common connection…BJ. His sweet, sweet girlfriend and his sweet, sweet sister-friend spent the weekend with me. We "grazed" on good-eats, we drank wine, and we etched the Willy emblem on FOUR DOZEN wine glasses and beer glasses!  

It all began about six months ago when BJ and Teri came to visit for the weekend; my birthday weekend. A couple of weeks prior to that he had posted a picture of a coffee/wine rack on Kristi's Facebook page. I fell in love with it. When he was here I showed him the picture of it and told him I was going to make myself one and how I would do it.  With excitement, he said, "yea…I'm going to make one for Kristi for Christmas". As I replied, "cool"! Teri nudged him saying, "you should make one for your mom too". He just smiled that BJ smile! BJ died a month later. Going into the holidays after the loss of my son was nearly unbearable, but I had to. I couldn't just cancel the holidays, I couldn't cancel life; I wasn't allowed to do that. I still have so much to live for, so many blessings that I call family. I had to find a way to not only keep going, but to move through the holidays, and find joy in the holidays. I decided I was going to honor his memory by making the wine rack for his sister-friend. She was suffering, she missed her "brother", and some days it was unbearable for her. I could hear it in her "posts". I wasn't quite sure how to do one part of the rack so I shared my plan with Bryan and Josie…and ultimately enlisted his help. I had until January 7 to complete it; we were going to a White Elephant party at Chuck and Kristi's and that would be my gift to her.  

As I was finalizing plans to finish this project, I had a "light bulb moment". We all have them. You know, the moment you get that great idea and it pops in your head like the turning on of a light bulb! I decided I would etch the "W" of the Willy emblem on the wine glasses, in his honor. When they hang upside down on the rack the W is an M for McCormick. YES…this is perfect!  And so the glass etching of the Willy emblem was born! I did present her with the gift from Heaven, from BJ, completed by his mom and brother. She loved it, she teared up, and she grabbed the glass and filled it with wine! 

I could see how much Bryan loved the etching and I know how much he loves and misses his big brother. I was doing things for others, but I wanted to do something special for him. Something so special that he would know…mom did THIS for me because she loves ME so much. I do, I love Bryan so much. I love them all so much. Bryan was my baby for nearly twenty years (until God blessed our family with his little brother), twenty years that he was mama's boy, my baby. Once he was no longer "the baby" he loved to joke that he was the neglected "middle child". He never was a "middle child" to me…he was the baby of my oldest two and now I want to do something special for him.  He drinks whiskey. I wanted to etch a special whiskey glass. Not just any whiskey glass. I wanted a crystal glass for my baby; he deserved the best. I etched the Willy emblem, in his brothers memory, on a pair of crystal whiskey glasses. They are special to him; for many reasons…he thinks of his big brother every time he sees the W and he knows his mom loves him so much; so much that she did this special thing JUST FOR HIM.  He posted a picture of them on Facebook. Then the requests began…where is my glass? That is awesome, we should do beer glasses for the guys. When do I get my wine glass?  

This weekend I was overjoyed to spend time with "BJ's Girls" etching "W"ine and beer glasses. We etched four dozen glasses in al! Glasses we will give to family, to friends, to loved ones. They too are special. They had a special relationship with BJ…because they had a relationship with BJ.

Firsts and Lasts

Written Monday, July 17

Firsts and Lasts. What does that really mean? For mourners, it means the "first" Christmas, "first" Birthday, "first" camping trip, etc. without the one they lost. It also means, the "last" time I talked to them, the "last" time I saw them, or in some cases…their "last" vacation. I have the memory of going on BJ's "last" vacation, with his daughter and his youngest brother. A year ago at this time we had made our way from Central Oregon to Greer, South Carolina. A trip that will always be treasured. We went to see one of his best friends; a man that BJ took under his wing and made many special memories with. Today, I am packing and preparing to make my first trip (without BJ) to see Kyle and his family. We will start our journey on the ninth month since his death. I will be with family for the first leg of our trip and spend the night with family in Eastern Oregon before continuing our venture to The Centennial State. Because of BJ's last vacation, and my "tagging along" as he preciously put it,  we (me and his littlest brother) have formed our own relationships with Kyle's family. We are now making our first trip to see Kyle and I am thankful that in the past year they have relocated to Colorado, so our trek is much shorter this year. Mixed emotions? You bet! But, we love Kyle and his little southern family. Will it be different this year? Of course! BJ won't be there…physically but make no mistake…HE WILL BE THERE!

BJ was so happy on this trip.

He loved the warmth of the Atlantic Ocean.

He was thrilled to go to th "Dirty South Mud Bogs"!

(Kyle, Allison, Cheyenne, BJ)

If you are reading this, no matter where you are, the firsts and lasts are tough to walk through, but they will be part of the new you, the you without the person you grieve for. They are necessary. Some will be more difficult than others and some dates will have new meaning; and in some cases that is good. As I have shared, Dillon (my youngest son) lost his dad nearly three years ago, at only ten years old. Nine months later, as Father's Day rolled around I knew the day had to be about him and how he would experience the first Father's Day without his daddy. I asked him if he wanted to do anything special or with meaning. He simply said, "Dad and I didn't do anything special on Father's Day, mom. We just spent the day being together." That is a beautiful way for a child to feel. I let him know that was perfectly fine, but if he changed his mind or thought of anything to let me know. We went to our first "Father's Day Movie" that year and my first Fast and Furious (Furious 7) movie.  We have now enjoyed three Father's Day Movies; each one picked because he knows he would have enjoyed them with his dad and his dad would like the movie he picked. His dad is enjoying the day with us from Heaven and we are learning to live without him on earth.

As mid-July approached this year, my thoughts were with many different people but two have been heavily on my heart. Bryan, BJ's "bro", who celebrated his first birthday without a "Birthday" text or phone call from his big brother. Even though Bryan's birthday was NOT about BJ, my heart ached for him knowing what very small, minute (mī-ˈnüt) gesture was missing from his day as there would not be that birthday greeting from his older brother. Teri, our sweet "Chicka" (as BJ lovingly coined her), reconnected with BJ a year ago this summer and she is now going through her "firsts and lasts" all in one fail swoop! The first date and last summer fest, all one in the same.  Lord, I pray for strength and comfort for this sweet lady during these difficult months she is  beginning. For many of us, the firsts and lasts are getting a bit easier, but for her and the first eight months of her journey were much different than my own, much different than many others.  But, now, I can see how her journey will now take a much deepened drop as she goes through her firsts and lasts. Lord, again I ask that you give her strength to walk this journey, comfort to know that she is not now nor will she ever be alone, and peace to understand that, as much as we miss him, he is in the greatest place of all. Lord, wrap your loving arms around each person that is grieving today and to know that they are not alone as they read this. That through you and your grace, they will learn their way to their new. In Jesus name.

Zipline fun!

BJ and "Chicka"

How do I live without you?

I want to know.

When I sit here consumed in my own thoughts or drowning inside myself; those two simple sentences replay over and over in an otherwise empty head. Yes, it is a part of a song but that question, followed by that statement, is the only part of the song that matter to me.

How do I live without you? How…do…I…live…without…you? That really is the question and still, today, nearly nine months after my oldest son died…I still do not know how to live without him.  I still don't have an answer to that question. But…I still get up every day and I make my best effort to get dressed every day. Make no mistake there ARE days that I do not get dressed and there are days that I may not even brush my hair or brush my teeth, but I make a valiant effort to get out of bed…EVERY DAY. Some days I feel hollow inside, some days I just go through the motions of the day, and some days I wake up happy and live life with a purpose. The latter happens more often than it used to and probably not as often as it will in nine more months.

On some days...the loss of just one child is too much to handle even though I have two others that still need me and that I still need. One child does not replace another child. As you give birth, each child takes their own place in your heart, their own place in your family, and their own place in your thoughts. Losing one doesn't mean those places are now vacant; they cannot be filled with another. But, the overwhelming feelings that go on during your journey of grief have a way of taking up that void that was once filled with the happiness of that child, now lost to us. And, truth be told, the grief is more consuming and deep than one can imagine and even more consuming than the love, thoughts, and joy you had for them when they were alive.  That is the hard part. My thought is…"Today, I will fill my thoughts with your photos, your smile, the fun we had, and the memories we shared so that grief cannot sneak its way in and diminish me further." A thought that works on some days and not so much on others.

I want to know. A statement that does not have a simple answer. And combined with the question: How do I  live without you? Even more of a mystery. Bottom line…there is not an answer to know how to live without someone. It is not written in a text book. It is written within the person learning to live without another. It is part of the new you. As time progresses and life unfolds without that person, you are knowing how to live without them. Knowing is as individualized as the persons  journey of grief; all unique to each of us.

So, I indisputably will continue to have that question and that statement replay over and over in my head on my days of doubt, my days of question, and my moments of loss. When I sit here alone and wonder why; why was my son taken from us at such a young age? How did he accomplish in his 35 years, 5 months, and 4 days on earth what I have not accomplished in my fifty-something years? That remains the mystery in my mind and I don't know that I will ever have that answer.  But, I will get up every day and I will attempt to live without him…every day.

Happy Birthday "little bro"

Happy Birthday  😍 to my youngest of the older two sons, Bryan and BJ's  little brother for 33 years today! Even though I had a third son nearly twenty years later, Bryan will always be my baby of the older two. He grew up having a BIG brother; a brother that loved him, played with him, picked on him, and got him in trouble…as siblings often do. Those two boys! They grew up working on cars, riding dirt bikes, camping, and enjoying many things a good childhood brings. In their early childhood, BJ was unruffled, playful, and excited to have a little brother! There was never a doubt, Bryan was mama's baby, a bit spoiled, rambunctious, and kept right up with his brother.  Somewhere along the way they seemed to pull a switcheroo on mom; BJ became strong-willed and  the "wild child"  bad boy that made him attractive to the girls, while Bryan became more subdued, serious, responsible, and the strength of our family.  They both love deeply, are faithful friends, and have learned to roll with the punches life delivers. 

And then along came "Baby D", as BJ so lovingly nicknamed him. Dillon is nearly 20 years younger than Bryan and Bryan is a bit more than three years younger than BJ. The three of them finding their way through the uniqueness of a 20+ year span in age.  Even though they were both apprehensive about having a little brother as they were young adults; they soon fell in love with the little creature that now completed our family. Bryan showed the first sign of excitement when a light bulb clicked in his head and he was only too happy to take his toddler brother to the mall, to work picnics, and other adventures where he was just certain a baby was what all young women were attracted to. I mean who doesn't love a strapping young lad doting on his baby brother and taking him places? Hello "lady killer!"  Me….I was just happy for a break!  And, I did love that Bryan has been a great "BIG" brother since the beginning!  It took BJ a bit longer to figure out his relationship with Baby D, as he was also figuring out what adult life looked like for him. He was never one to follow the rules and wasn't made of a mold, but he did figure out his life and he did figure out how to have a strong, caring, and mentoring relationship with his youngest brother. 

Our family has endured much heartache losing the oldest. It has left us confused, broken, sorrowful, and darned angry at times! As a mother, it is unfathomable to lose an adult child and I imagine that is similar to how young adults feel when they lose a sibling near their own age. I still hear Bryan's voice over the phone as he had to tell me BJ was gone and the anguish I still feel inside when I recall that moment and that my son, BJ's brother had to muster the courage to say those words to his mom and his dad. That is a burden I wish wasn't laid on him. But then as I watched Bryan transform into a distraught robot, doing all the necessary things and making all the decisions  needed over the first few days of his grief, amazed me as much as broke my heart.  Bryan: derived from an Old Celtic language word meaning "high" or "noble" certainly describes my son. Bryan has incredible strength, the softest heart, and wise beyond his years. He is one of the best fathers I know, a dedicated brother, and a loving son.

Bryan, my birthday wish for you is that you continue to grow as a man and a father. That you continue to live up to the challenges you set for yourself. That you take time to grieve, love, and reflect on the relationship you miss, accept what cannot be changed, and have the foresight to know that we will all live together for eternity. Allow yourself to walk through this journey of grief and understand that you too are changed because of what you have lost.  Happy Birthday Bryan! I love you more today than yesterday, and less than I will tomorrow and never as much as Our Father in Heaven, but with all my heart!

Keep Calm and Carry On

Do you ever have those times when your day is going perfectly fine? You think to yourself, I am doing it…I am getting  through this…the rocky part. And, then BAM, it hits you in the face! Like a fly hitting the windshield! Grief is the most unpredictable course of life.  Most people think you grieve for a while and then life gets back to normal, but friends…if you are in grief, it is your new normal. It's not a phase, it's not an illness…it is the NEW you. Sometimes you feel like your old self and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you feel numb, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you want to be around people, sometimes you NEED to be around people, and sometimes you want to be alone.  As time passes, the old you may surface more often than before, but just as you get used to YOU being back…grief roars its ugly self again…without warning…and it S-U-C-K-S!

Not only do I want to be surrounded by BJ…pictures of him, mementos of him, his jacket, his shirt, his smile…I need to. For the most part, I am at a place where I can be. But, in a blink of an eye, his aura has captured my brain and I have a big, bold image of his smiling face that has consumed my head, almost as if he is right here and that's the moment…the moment I lose it…the outburst has arrived and all I can do is surrender to it. I stop whatever I am doing, I grab the nearest tissue, and I just let the tears, the screams, the anger…all of it, I release it. I have to and if you are in this place you need to too! It's not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of intelligence, a sign of healthiness, a sign that you are getting acquainted with the NEW you.  Embrace YOU and know that for whatever reason or whomever you are mourning, this is why you are  now changed. That person or that trauma was profoundly a part of your life and without them or without it, you are a NEW you.

There are many reasons we grieve, so when I say it or them, I am referring to ANY reason you might be grieving.  I could never just assume that the reader of this blog is on this page because they knew my son or they lost a human. We grieve the loss of a marriage, the loss of a job, the loss of friends when we relocate, and yes, the loss of a loved one. So, no matter why you are grieving there is a NEW you to become acquainted with. Cherish your memories, they are part of who you were and who you have become. Embrace you, accept the outbursts, keep calm and carry on!

Celebration of Our Independence

Independence Day... a federal holiday in the United States. Our country; now 241 years old of declaring our independence as a nation…"ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL". This day can mean different things to different people, but to most everyone it means a celebration of our country, of our flag, of our beginning.  Bill and I raised BJ and Bryan to believe in our great nation, believe in our fore fathers, and to respect the flag. We also celebrated every year with campouts, lots of fireworks, and family. Our boys carried on that foundation with celebrations of their own. I have rarely spent a 4th of July with BJ and Bryan since they became adults.  Once they got married and had families of their own it was time to start their own traditions and teach their off springs the importance of our great nation, the history of our independence, and the celebrations that come along with that.

Last year, was BJ's last 4th of July and his first 4th of July post marriage. He was so excited to share with me that he went to a campout celebration, over the weekend. One that he had not went to in years. Out in the country, by a river, with a LOT of fireworks.  He realized how much he had missed doing that over the last several years. But sometimes, when we are married or in a committed relationship, our priorities change and so do our celebrations…it was no different for BJ. He was committed to his family and they often travelled over our Independence Day.  Being a free spirit and "independent" man, last year he also hooved about 65 miles across the Willamette Valley to provide a celebratory display with his St. Helens family. I have no doubt everyone that spent last year with him will reminisce about last year and who is missing this year. As I have said many times, "he has an infectious personality" and most everyone was his friend.

Thankfully for me, this holiday isn't one of the more emotional ones. I have childhood memories spent with Bill, BJ, and Bryan. I will always have those memories. I have been very thankful to be surrounded by family this weekend, spending time cooking, decorating, having a campfire, making people feel special, and basically keeping preoccupied with the good things in life.

My thoughts have been with Bryan knowing he spent this weekend camping at one of our favorite areas and a place he last went with BJ. I know he struggles with this loss; he lost his big brother! It doesn't matter how often they were together or how often they spoke. They are brothers and brothers are for life and that doesn't change when one of them dies. If anything, that connection becomes stronger, more precious, and more gut wrenching. He can no longer pick up the phone to call him, he can longer sit and have a beer with him, and he can not reminisce about their childhood. Bryan has lost a lot and for that my heart aches. Bryan is strong, but strength often gives way to heartache. 

To BJ's brothers, friends, and family that are having a particularly difficult time on this celebratory day; whether it is because you are missing him or missing someone else…I pray for peace over your heart and a refocus to the love of our great nation; The United States of America. And, if you hear any undetectable loud booms it might just be BJ letting you know he is with us. God Bless America, land of the free because of the brave and God Bless You and your loved ones. Happy Birthday America!