How do I live without you?

I want to know.

When I sit here consumed in my own thoughts or drowning inside myself; those two simple sentences replay over and over in an otherwise empty head. Yes, it is a part of a song but that question, followed by that statement, is the only part of the song that matter to me.

How do I live without you? How…do…I…live…without…you? That really is the question and still, today, nearly nine months after my oldest son died…I still do not know how to live without him.  I still don't have an answer to that question. But…I still get up every day and I make my best effort to get dressed every day. Make no mistake there ARE days that I do not get dressed and there are days that I may not even brush my hair or brush my teeth, but I make a valiant effort to get out of bed…EVERY DAY. Some days I feel hollow inside, some days I just go through the motions of the day, and some days I wake up happy and live life with a purpose. The latter happens more often than it used to and probably not as often as it will in nine more months.

On some days...the loss of just one child is too much to handle even though I have two others that still need me and that I still need. One child does not replace another child. As you give birth, each child takes their own place in your heart, their own place in your family, and their own place in your thoughts. Losing one doesn't mean those places are now vacant; they cannot be filled with another. But, the overwhelming feelings that go on during your journey of grief have a way of taking up that void that was once filled with the happiness of that child, now lost to us. And, truth be told, the grief is more consuming and deep than one can imagine and even more consuming than the love, thoughts, and joy you had for them when they were alive.  That is the hard part. My thought is…"Today, I will fill my thoughts with your photos, your smile, the fun we had, and the memories we shared so that grief cannot sneak its way in and diminish me further." A thought that works on some days and not so much on others.

I want to know. A statement that does not have a simple answer. And combined with the question: How do I  live without you? Even more of a mystery. Bottom line…there is not an answer to know how to live without someone. It is not written in a text book. It is written within the person learning to live without another. It is part of the new you. As time progresses and life unfolds without that person, you are knowing how to live without them. Knowing is as individualized as the persons  journey of grief; all unique to each of us.

So, I indisputably will continue to have that question and that statement replay over and over in my head on my days of doubt, my days of question, and my moments of loss. When I sit here alone and wonder why; why was my son taken from us at such a young age? How did he accomplish in his 35 years, 5 months, and 4 days on earth what I have not accomplished in my fifty-something years? That remains the mystery in my mind and I don't know that I will ever have that answer.  But, I will get up every day and I will attempt to live without him…every day.