Time's Ticking Away

Do you ever feel like you are watching the world go by or feel the time ticking away? Sometimes it feels like we aren’t moving but simply going through the motions. I have an agenda a mile long and a task list to match it and I feel like I am simply just checking things off of a list, just getting things done. I rarely feel like I am “living”. Sometimes that hollow feeling that encompasses me creates a vision of life passing me by. Like I am here and I am living, but I don’t feel it.  And then other times I have so much feeling that I can’t control how I react to situations or thoughts; and that’s not always good.  I know I have a pretty full life and am very blessed. I do my fair share of traveling and see some beautiful places. But when you lose someone, especially your child, if feels like the wind has been knocked out of you and you search but don’t know how to catch your breath and regain your life. That is called “going through the motions” and I do that a lot since losing BJ, especially when I am alone and that is a great deal of the time.

Since his death, I live my life for “what’s next?”  He died a year ago October 20^th and first I planned his Celebration of Life, then it was to get through the holidays, next was Dillon’s 13^th Birthday, our trip to LA, and his trip to Washington DC followed by spring break. Spring break was spent with Cheyenne and at the end of the week my first trip to the accident site and his cross. And then, and then, and then. I just see what’s next on the calendar and I plan up to that point and then it’s the next thing. I usually have things planned out months in advance and am pretty organized about it. My brain won’t handle all that right now. I am lucky I am keeping up on the planning of one event this month, three next month, one in December, one in January…well, you get the idea. Well, that’s my job and that’s where my focus is…so I sit here watch the rest of my time ticking away…until another day.