I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always

Written September 21, 2018

It’s been a long week and although I have had many thoughts about BJ and what to blog this week I’m still in a place of “where do I begin?” It’s not always this way. Most times I just put my thoughts down and it all works out. This week has been different and even though I can’t pinpoint exactly why, I have ideas of why: 1. Yesterday was 11 months since BJ’s accident and today was 11 months since I received that dreaded, life changing news. 2. I am now in my crazy busy time of year with work and sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a breath, but yet I can drift off with thoughts of BJ. 3. I saw BJ’s dad last weekend for a short time and I have many thoughts and emotions about that. 4. I have been blessed (NOT) with a head cold and I just don’t have time to be sick right now! Since I have outlined why I think things are “different” this week, that’s just how this blog will go.

1.      Yesterday was 11 months since BJ’s accident and today was 11 months since I received that dreaded, life changing news. I am a “date” person, so I do recognize each and every date that pops up and most times I can give you a date of something that happened long ago, or narrow it down to the year. I get that from my mother; is it a blessing or is it a curse? Well, it can be either. I’ve thought, “How can he be gone for 11 months already? Only one more month and then there will be no more firsts in this journey of grief. How will I handle this? How is any of this ok?”  Yes, 11 months later, I still ask, “How is any of this ok?” It’s not, but without sounding cliché…it is, what it is…and most of the time the thought of “it” sucks! 11 months; OMGosh seriously!? And, that’s how I really feel about it!

2.       I am now in my crazy busy time of year with work and sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a breath, but yet I can drift off with thoughts of BJ. It’s true! I am working 6-7 days a week and sometimes 10 hours a day right now. Mind you; I am NOT complaining! I love my job and I am very blessed to have my job. I get to work in PJ’s and no makeup. I can work in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. I can work from Starbucks!  But, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing…work or not…my thoughts often drift to BJ, what has happened, how it has impacted our entire family, and how it has changed many of us. As I was driving this afternoon and listening to the radio I was reminded of a wonderful quote:

This began my train of thoughts. Everyone knows that BJ was not deemed nor ever held the title of “mommy’s baby”. No he did not; that was reserved for his younger brother…for 20 years until #3 came along. Bryan was only too willing to have that term of endearment go to the new “baby” of the family. Funny thing is, after Dillon came along I have referred to Bryan as “my baby of the oldest two”; because never has he been anything but my baby. Truth be told; every one of our children are our babies and we don’t stop loving them, caring about them, worrying about them when they turn the magical age of “18”. There is not a time frame for being a parent and loving our babies.

3.       I saw BJ’s dad last weekend for a short time and I have many thoughts and emotions about that. Ok, so I try to keep this blog about me and my journey even though his death affects many people. Where do I start? BJ had an amazing relationship with his dad. They talked very often on the phone; if not daily, it was several times a week. And when they talked, I mean it was lengthy…BJ once told me that when he was going to talk to his dad on the phone it would be a minimum of a half hour. That’s just how it was; they would shoot the breeze, catch up on all their “side deals”, encourage one another with their horse trading shenanigans. They needed each other to feed the others life. For every intense purpose of the meaning, BJ was Bill’s best friend. So, Bill not only lost his son, he lost his best friend. He is angry, he lashes out, he cannot accept it, and he doesn’t know where to go from here; how to live life without his oldest son, his best friend. You see, he doesn’t have the everyday distractions that the rest of us do; he doesn’t work, he doesn’t do social media, he doesn’t do much social anything. So, initially seeing him and talking for a few minutes, I left there thinking that he needed to stop being angry at everyone when I realized he’s not angry with others, he’s angry with BJ…that he is gone. He’s just taking it out on everyone around him because that’s all he knows how to do right now. He hasn’t learned to accept it or how to even work through it and that is what is difficult for me to see.

4.      I have been blessed (NOT) with a head cold and I just don’t have time to be sick right now! In the spectrum of life, this item really is irrelevant. I think it has just added to the compound of everything else. It snuck up on me and came on pretty quick. But, I think the wine tonight is helping! ;)

To sum this blog post up I would say, “Don’t get stuck in your grief and don’t displace your anger on undeserving people. Treasure those “drop in thoughts” of the one you’re grieving over and share your journey with someone or with yourself.” Writing down your thoughts, even if you do nothing with them, helps a lot. It is another outlet to help release them and not keep them bottled up. At the end of the day, sit down with a good glass of wine or a nice cup of tea and relax…it may be the only moment of the day you have to do it. God Bless and thank you for reading and for continually sharing my blog!