Queen of Hearts

A year ago tonight, October 17, 2016, I heard your voice for the last time. There was so much excitement and love in you. You and Cheyenne were laughing as you were both talking to me over the Bluetooth in the truck. You had such a fun weekend at the Pumpkin Patch and then carving the pumpkins. You excitedly told me that you ordered Cheyenne a Queen of Hearts costume for Trick or Treating and you couldn’t wait until it arrived. I don’t think you ever got to see her in it but she looked great and you would’ve absolutely loved taking her trick or treating. I’m so sorry that you missed that, son. You were so proud as you told me that Chey carved her very own pumpkin…all by herself! And then you said, “Mom, Little D will love the pumpkin I carved. It’s a big one eating a little one! I’ll send you a picture when I stop the truck. Show him, mom; be sure to show D.”  I can still hear those words. There is just something about the last words, the last conversation you have with someone when they are gone. It is on repeat in your head. I miss you as much right now as I did when you were first gone. I write this and I can’t stop crying at the heartache left in me. I relive our conversation and how happy and full of love and life you were. How thrilled you were about the weekend you just had with your daughter and Chicka.  How excited and anxious you were for Halloween and to see Chey as the Queen of Hearts as we all know she was the Queen of Your Heart. I know she misses you so much baby, but I also know that her mom is doing her best to keep her mind busy and her life moving along. She really has to. No one should get stuck in grief and especially not your precious little girl; your Queen of Hearts.

BJ's Queen of Hearts and her Uncle Bryan

BJ's final pumpkin carving

Fifty-one weeks; that is how long you have been gone. We are nearing one year of that horrible night you lost your life and that horrible day following when your loved ones lost you. The pain still cuts through my chest like a knife as I try to stop the tears and as I try to write how I am feeling.  There is no doubt this will be a difficult week. I am thankful that I will be plenty busy this week with work, as I leave town for a conference. I love my job and I love the people I get to spend time with. I know it will be a great distraction and I am thankful for that. In so many ways this past year has been a blur. I’ve done many things and I’ve went lots of places, but I have a hard time absorbing it all. I experience a lot of empty motions as I work my way with grief. My fuse is shorter and my patience is less. I keep struggling to get myself back together and feel life again, but I still feel like I am just going through the motions and can’t grasp it as it goes by. Some day... I'll feel a little better, have less pain, and learn to adapt to my new normal...some day.

BJ and Chey at the Pumpkin Patch