You Can't Rush Grief

I recently attended a Celebration of Life for someone that I didn’t know personally, only professionally. Yet, I knew him to be kind, friendly, and always smiling…a genuinely good man. This celebration was much different than my sons because it was for his professional life as he was a city employee of one of Oregon’s largest cities. It was wonderful to see his many accomplishments throughout his long career in Public Works. As I heard his wife speak and the tremble in her voice and the tears you could hear her holding back, I held back my own tears. Tears I later shed for his wife and what she is going through, for their kids and grandkids and the man they are missing and learning to live life without. Tears of my own loss; as the memories of my son’s celebration came flooding in and the moment I was in front of everyone speaking and trying to hold back my own tears. I hardly remember that day, nearly a year ago. I remember faces, hugs, the venue, and watching my other son speak of his brother and the pain I could hear in his voice and the pain I could see on his face and the face of his “brothers” standing beside him on stage. No one could speak; the pain was just too great. But as the family, you must speak, you must pull yourself through one of the worst days of your life, you must be as strong as possible because there is someone somewhere that still depends on you. I cry for his family, their loss, and what lies ahead of them in their journey. I pray for their strength, courage, and comfort.

In one very short or one very long week it will be a year since my son died, since he took his last breath, and since he went Home. I know it has been on the minds of many of his friends and of course our immediate family. When you lose someone that means so much to you, you can’t help but track the time, notice things that remind you of them, and wish they were still with you. We are fully aware that he lost his earthly life on October 20, 2016. I have been experiencing terrible anxiety over the past few weeks and day by day as we draw closer to that day it increases. My body has more aches, I have less focus, and I can’t escape the sadness as easily. In one respect, I am dreading next Friday and on the other hand I just can’t wait for it to be over so I don’t have to feel anxious about its arrival.

There is no timeline for grieving. You can’t rush it. You will likely grieve, in some form, forever. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters and people that don’t know what to say. Its ok, you probably wouldn’t either if the situation was reversed. The pain of loss is a reflection of love you felt, so don’t ever regret loving.  Grief can make you question your faith, it is messy, and it is confusing…and sometimes it will make you feel like you are going crazy! However much you think grief is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse. Grief triggers are everywhere. You will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion. Get used to it, it happens frequently.

A couple of weeks ago as I was driving home I noticed a license plate on a car; it looked like a normal license plate, it had three digits and three letters. And then, I noticed it. It jumped right off the plate in my face and I began chuckling out loud and fully ready to tell Dillon why I was laughing…and then I noticed he had his earbuds in listening to music and didn’t even notice I was laughing…so I continued to do so.  The letters on the license plate: Y U P…Yup!  Anyone that has received texts from BJ knows he responds with YUP instead of yes. I have found myself responding with YUP over the past year.  Reminders are everywhere and especially when least expected; sometimes they make you cry and sometimes make you laugh. Be grateful you loved enough to experience grief; even the raw, painfully ugly experiences of grief…it means you were invested in that love.